That Sinking Feeling

I was enjoying myself in the water too much.

Everytime, I looked back I only saw far away swimmers trying to catch up. I only let myself relaxed and allowed the waves to sweep me along. Because I thought I would never be overtaken.

Thus, I got caught off guard.

A huge wave emerged and almost drowned me. I got pushed back to the shore but I saw those who were behind, moving along with that wave, onto a further destination.

But, this is fine. I will use the force of that wave to push me back up, stronger and calmer than before. Ready to tackle the great waters once more. I will be victorious once more.

When will the world start being honest with me?

My insolence annoys even me.

Not only that. Looking back, I am still the same stubborn, obnoxious, defiant introvert I was a year ago.

I cannot live up to my own thoughts and opinions.

I swore to do some Add Math every day during the PMR break. That didn't go well. I procrastinate everything, resulting in rushing, ending with nothing. I have my own opinions on the way things should have gone or should be. But I never do anything about it, not because I can't but because I won't. I would give myself reason after reason, demoralising my own self-worth. I am only talk but no action. Wait, no, I don't even talk. I think. Most ideas start off with short-lived enthusiasm and die out with a fizzle.

I've brought myself up against a task that's a few levels above me.

I wonder. Are there the snickers behind my backs? Are there the disapproving stares coming at my way? Is there the disbelief in my capability. There should be when I myself sometimes regard myself as not worthy. But that on the otherhand will cause the backfire effect urging me to prove myself more.

I am arrogant, obnoxious, insolent, whatever.

I would doubt the ability of others, roll my eyes at their incompetence. Yet, I myself am not any better, or maybe lesser than them. I believe respect is only given where respect is due. True there are only some I've held in my highest regards. I take seniority or authority as an excuse for people to demand respect. I judge on capability and personality.

I am so naive

I suspect a lot of people around me. Unless they have truly gained my trust. Their motives, I predict. Their actions, speech, I analyse. I just treat people honestly by how I feel about them. I don't want to wear a mask, it's so tiring. I don't want to waste time on friendships that won't last. I want people to approach me, but I don't make the first move. As I see the silhoulettes leaving, I ask whether people are just socialising but never truly befriending. I don't know how the world works, I do not want to. I would want to be an individual, standing on my own in any situation but I seem more like a helpless failure, a social outcast.

I've betrayed.

I put false hope on things I will never get.

The dream, will always stay a dream. My imagination keeps me in this rewinding scene, where I achieve what I want. It helps me stay sane. I still foster blind hopes but in truth, I know it is futile. I see a someone, going away and I don't know what to say. The more I chase, the more you faster escape. The further I get, you still stay away.

I've made a lot of wrong choices.

I cannot break out from my bubble

I cannot release myself from this psychological cage I've seemed to placed myself in. I fear any wrongdoings I may cause, or worry over any shame. I doubt my capability. I've shadowed myself below that of giants. I don't trust myself. I hesitate with every decision, not trusting myself. I only find solace and real freedom of expression in a few people. And thank god for them =).

I am on this emotional rollercoaster.

In short, yes, I emo frequently and at random moments. Beware.

I do not give myself enough credit? But there is no credit to give.

I fail. So much.

Flip the two-headed coin

It is hereby declared that if Soh Zhi Min gets into the top 5 of class this term, she will be slave to Low Jun Lyn and Kwan Hui Wen until the 16th of November. And they will be permitted to hit her like they initially planned to. But no shoe throwing ><.

*Terms and Conditions apply.

Won't happen anyway X) Seeing how lousy I did this term.

Sunny Side Up

I seemed to have gone out everyday for this 4 days =. =. And now bearing the consequences of not getting any work done. ><

Yesterday, me, le yi, lyn, wen and jia went to Mid Valley to catch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

Shows that too much food is bad for your health (and your survival.) X)

Lol, and the movie had all those Chem terms for Lyn. Hahaha^^

Picked out Shan En's gift at the first stall we saw==. And realised there was a whole row of them. Bad consumerism, this is.

Suggested the food court for lunch. Then, looked at the directory and in the end, it was still the food court=. =.

I actually forgot to take pictures. Except for one random scene.

And you know what? After me and Wen went home, these happy people took the wrong bus and ended up in KL Sentral. They were supposed to head back to school by the way =. =.

Then today, me, Alicia and our four permit candidates went hiking again. Also to the Lake Gardens. And we got lost a few times == But nothing happened la. Today was so hot. Last time it rained a bit so it was nice and cool =D.

Shan En received her gift. And left it in school. ==

Speaking of school, it starts again tomorrow >< Aww shoot

Martians and Earthlings

Friday was a day for celebration~^^

Cause we(me, seng yew and wen) had a successful outing for once.

We went to the Shogun at Sunway Pyramid for dinner. Left home at about 4.30 pm and wen's dad sent the 3 of us there~ The restaurant didn't open until 6 so we walked around the place until it was time.

Waited for Sin Yee and Siew Mein to come before we went to take food.

People were very lame during dinner e,g 回头率, 火星语. 地球语...

Hehe. Lame. So lame.

o.0 We witnessed severe food wastage and Wen has high metabolism >< *envy*

We camwhored a bit but people don't want their pics shown so.......

Here's a picture of my ice-cream


And me camwhoring with a spoon~

Sad case, I know==.

In the end, everyone was full....except wen XD But she got effected by us, so, did not continue eating lo.

After Siew Mein left, we go wander aimlessly around Pyramid. Nice X) And someone got a muscle cramp in her legs, so we looked like posers outside shops =. =

And also looked like homeless people, seating on the benches...crapping in "martian language" and "earth language". And the 3 of us would break into song everytime Seng Yew played 身骑白马 and 失落沙洲~

Then on Saturday, I went to Sunway Pyramid. Again.

My bro was going out with his friends. So I went to see books~ Couldn't find the one I really wanted though. Dang it.

Then, later went to Mum's office for Hari Raya dinner.

And today, me, wen, lyn, le yi and jia are going to MV to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

Btw, Wen, call this my lousy sense of taste but I think you look better lo. That's why I never laughed at "those" jokes. You never give yourself any credit for your looks Haiz.... =)

Telepathy, Empathy, Sympathy?

This is especially for the twin, Lyn X)

We somehow seem to think the other can guess what we're thinking (eg. your blog post==). So, this is for you! To interpret! Let's see what you can get from this poem I wrote. Hm Hm ^^

Seasons

Pale blue sky,

Morning glow,

Yet the air is dry,

Why is the waking of the land so slow?

Threading on fresh grass,

Vibrant hues,

Blossoms of the new,

But still the blades scar me as I pass,

Pulling me back to what I thought was lost,

Colours fade as I try to hold on,

Fragile petals with the wind gone,

All fading with time due

Scorching sun up high,

Mocking me as I blindly go by,

Yet the chill is here,

Something dreadful approaching I fear.

Holding my hands up high,

Reaching out to grasp,

What has already died.

A shower of yellow,

Raining red,

None my fellow,

One spirit’s dead.

Stuck on the cold,

Here comes the snow,

Warmth I try to withhold,

Like water it will flow.

I hear the wind blowing,

See the sun blazing,

Feel the Earth growing,

But why am I fading?

Seasons revolve,

One to the other,

Yet nothing gets resolve,

Here will repeat again another.

The warmth is here,

Yet I feel cold,

The sky is clear,

But why is my world so uncontrolled?

The Earth is growing,

The times are changing,

But I’m still dying,

My spirit is wilting.

Observer at the stand,

As this heart starts to wear

Regret is the end

I will never be anywhere.

I wonder what deduction you can come up with.

Of course, this is also for other readers to admire *cough cough*

Good Luck Lyn^^! Let's see how good our twin telepathy is.

And tell Aik Zuan to unblock me=. = if he did block me.

Short Posts like this aint needing no title

Ok....I got FFK-ed again. =.=

And I feel so tired..Not just because of exams...

Why are things always like that?

I should just get fed up and throw my hopes away.

The turbulent whirlpool that is my life, starts again.

Remember all the worry about Add Math?

Well, I'm still not doing anything. When will I learn*sighs and smacks head.*

yay me!

Russian Roulette

Minds made up,

Decisions won’t go back,

Revolvers lay,

Fingers ready to act.

Glint of the metal,

Weight of the bullet,

Spin the barrel,

Just bet on it.

Tentative hesitation,

Apprehensive glances,

Here comes the rotation

No second chances.

Nervous shaking,

Trigger pulled,

Beads of sweat dripping,

Here comes the end.

Is it death?

One bullet will decide,

But life’s like that.

It’s usually never on your side.

If you’re lucky,

You’re free to move on,

If you’re not,

Well, so long.

You Got No Skill XD

I will probably get killed if it's found out that we went to the Lake Gardens instead of just looking at trees in Taman Jaya. But it was worth it! And we came back with time to spare. =)

So, arrived at school in the morning. and made a stop at the RC room to chat with Lyn and Wen XD. And apparently, Lyn feels honoured to be called cuter then two 9 and 7 year-old girls. Anyway, I practically ignored someone and left her sleeping in the Lodge but then, I already told her I was at the room=. =".

We put off our initial plan to have hike cooking( which we found out later could have been done la as we were early~) and walked to Taman Jaya. Experienced the Rush Hour LRT XD People trying to squeeze in at every stop. But I guess, being like a switching point for all commuters, more people got down. We got delayed at KL Sentral cause......we didnt know which direction to head. But fortunately, we did not get lost, and we found the musuem and from there headed to the Lake Gardens.

To summarize what happened next, we :

1) walked a lot but didn't see any monkeys by the road
2) took pictures in a building and set off the warning=.=
3) failed to interview Arabs== as they only speak well, Arabic
4)listened to Michael Jackson songs in the Bird Park gift shop
5)interviewed more friendlier caucasian tourists
6)spotted a pair of little triplets =D
7)told tourist that the entrance fee for the bird park is rm15 when that was actually the price for Malaysian Citizens =S
8)sat a over charged taxi back to KL Sentral
9) Hanged at a McDonald's outlet in KL sentral
10)I ate a sundae that was so not worth it== it didn't even fill the container
9) walked back to school from Taman Jaya Station
10) Lepak 30 minutes at the canteen~

Then, I had me a nice long nap. Z Z z z

Taken at the McD outlet. =D

Other photos in Facebook~

I will probably fail add maths but oh well...

*Slaps myself in the face*

Those words coming from me?!

And to think with a 54 for Add Math last term, I got 2nd in class. Hahaha~

Seriously, never have I felt so futile before an exam. ><><

Thank god, there's still Paper 1.

And I shall make sure to really work hard for Add Math this time.






Starting tomorrow.




PS: No one seems to think it's possible for me to fail o.0

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

AH, finally the weekends are here!

And I already screwed my physics paper. Careless careless =( Stupid insufficient time.

And and I also think God doesn't want me to achieve anymore than I can now nor does he want me to go down (in the matter of exam grade average, anyway). So sometimes, luck is with me and other times,...well, shit happens ==

I still blame the panic caused by insufficient time. Heck, I couldn't even check my answers. ><

Add Math!! ><