Blackjack

For some time now I have condemned the hand dealt to me

Trying hard to bust the dealer

But it had seemed that fate aimed to spite me

Until I acted rather unbecomingly off character.

It turned into a moment I would rue

All the other players revealed no clue

Cards all faced down what was I to do

Did not know which choice would be true.

Turns out what was needed is a change of perception

Or you could call it a willing submission

Faced the next round with no expectation

Releasing all the restless energy and frustration.

Would I take a hit? Or would it be a soft?

One move could make feelings aloft

Whatever I get I accept, I chose to relent

Even without acquiring the blackjack I am content.

What a way to revive this old thing. As always, poem sounds somewhat nonsensical yet may be a reflection of ...who knows.

Ceased

Coming back here after more than half a year. With 2013 drawing to a close, it's time to leave one final blogpost for the year.

2013 was another year of transition, with me entering university after almost 9 months on break. Honestly, I felt like I was in a state of denial for the initial MONTHS there. It felt like a reversion from a seasoned warrior to a mere novice, having all that you've built on stripped away. Everything that I've come to achieve seemed obsolete, having to earn new qualifications within your period in university instead. Oh, I welcomed that clean slate, it was a chance for more growth after all, but it took a while to shake off the feeling of injustice, seeing your peers "settle" on a uni while you once more have to strive and struggle for a place in one. IMU felt like limbo, a mere transit point before the actual destination. It's probably why I clung unto memories of college, insisting that days here would never better those during PM4.

Thankfully, they have.

The year proved to be one where I could discover new terrains and cross personal boundaries. Having a clean slate provided opportunities for me to venture into fields I never thought I would enter. There was Chariofare, which could be said to be the trigger that initiated everything. The whole ride was a great experience and all, but what I gained most from this would probably be meeting all these people. From going to uni just to sell shirts to having meals together, even somehow ending up in the same CSU group for Sem 2(which made all the meetups easier), it's a bond that I hope develops more through the semesters.

There was futsal. I've always wanted to give football/futsal a try so another opportunity presented itself. And that lead to deep conversations at the mamak, sleepovers and huh, even constant hospital visits after someone fell into a hole heh. They're an eccentric bunch of people, but great company. Makes me look forward to training all the time. I remember how we trained at the hottest of times throughout a week to prepare for a 15minute match(that we won!) and during IMU cup season, where rivalry was still somewhat friendly. Futsal somehow made this slacker a bit fitter and hopefully more coordinated. Who would have thought I'd participate in a sporting event, win at pool, get overly worked up over futsal and very nearly got pulled into the cheer team?

There was also the constant connecting with people. I normally don't go out of my way to try and form interactions with people. But maybe it was the overwhelming studies or the idea that forming bonds preceded constant mugging in uni, that lead me to seek out company more. I remember when I would get bored of studying and just go on walks to seek out familiar faces. That habit died down in Semester Two though, as now I have groups I can return with assurance. They are, despite all the quirks, amazing people who just make me feel at ease.

This year had its fair share of losses as well as gains. Everything in moderation I suppose. I've lost chances, people and even direction to gain what I've had so far. Some things I may never get back, but some I hope to set right in the coming year.

There were times where I've questioned myself, caught in a loop of uncertainty. Yet, now I think I've come to terms with these fears, settling into silent contentment with where I stand now. Though still looking for opportunities to better myself intrinsically.

Life has its fair share of joy and adversity. Where would the meaning if there were only one of the spectrum? So, whatever comes, shall be embraced head on.

This comes about a day late but the 14th this year would make 2 years since grandma's passing. Though I'm sure we've moved on but there are still moments where the void is apparent and some thoughts come back haunting, especially the days that lead to this day itself. You've always been inspiration and continue to be one that steers me through whenever I waver on this path.

Speaking of wavering, can't say that I haven't been without my doubts lately. Also, have not been feeling in the best of shape. It could be that my immunity's been low or the confining environment of uni really isn't doing any good. I think I could even blame part of it on my mental state. It probably is my mental state. What I have to see at lectures all the time really doesn't help with my developing hypochondria. No wonder doctors(or medical students) really have to let loose hard from time to time. Really craving a break now, despite the long 8 month one I had before uni started.

Life seems to have lost much of its luster. Have the people become less interesting? Not exactly. And there's also much to do. Just that that "much" usually consists of studying. The constantly nagging thought that one has to study every single day is... not healthy, even if it's true. Even if I still slack off most of the time, the pressure's always there. I can't look forward to other recreational activities without remembering the hours of study time I would have to compensate. I really need more genuinely interesting and uplifting things to look forward too. Or bear this accursed monotony.

Like a friend reminded me, "Change is constant". Hoping to finally settle down, for my own true acceptance of this fate and the strength to bear this grit.

Writing/rambling does help with the coping. Phew

I've seen too much of such a sight that it can be only greeted with cynicism(along with the word Bandwagon!) than any form of joy or appreciation: Peers on social media suddenly get all gungho over a certain issue and  it spreads like wildfire, I see emotional statuses, pictures, shares, changing of profile pictures...Only for the hype to eventually dissipate,as if not such thing ever occurred. As I type, already I see people reverting to their original profile pictures... YET... yet, for this case, I shall reserve a bit of that cynicism, seeing as this is an issue more personal to us and one that has caused such an uproar.

There's nothing wrong with being so emotional over this, it shows that this bothers you and that's a good sign.  But do let this emotion translate into further effort later on to strive for the change that you grieved for. I saw many a rant, many thoughts on social media until most gave off the same repetitive point. That's all very well done, especially those who took the time to pen such thoughtful posts, but where do you go from there? As mentioned earlier, some who only changed their profile pictures in a show of solidarity have already begun to change their pictures back, supposedly because the one day is almost done. I hope they did it because they are done with the mourning, and are aware of the next step to take in all this.

And the matter of how the elections have united us all. It's true if you look at the bigger picture where Malaysians all gathered together to cast their votes for a better nation. But on the aftermath, I saw friends on Facebook arguing, one slandering the other because of their choice of party. And discord arising because of dissent on how one should act/feel after knowing the results. This is just blatant sadness. Why such bigotry? I thought we were all beyond all this discrimination. Were those friendships worth this "sacrifice"? Or were they never important to begin with? Sometimes, you really should look beyond the party and at the individual instead.

This is going to be really hypocritical of me, having written all that, but I know I probably won't be doing as much relating to this matter. That's why I hope that you after all your sharing, preaching and liking, will go further and do more. Read more, educate yourselves, follow the news, seize any opportunity you have. Ultimately, just keep that passion in you burning. For myself, I will still strive hard, but for the matters that I will strive for. I told myself a while back that I'll make change for this nation, in my own way. We'll all fulfill our duties come election period but in the mean time, find what matters to you, it need not just apply to a political aspect. We are all capable of change, it's just a matter of how, and when.

Another day, another destiny

I know I constantly need reminders to be grateful for everything that I have and to stop constantly fretting over my own trivial matters but, to hear such terrible news yesterday was just. :'( It provided a good dose of harsh reality but I was also reminded of how helpless I am in such situations. Not much I can do except pray and spread more positive vibes.

And as it's the eve of our nation's 13th General Election, this song comes to mind:

There's not a lot I can say that's not been said all over the Internet already.Our people have come a long way since the last election. More people are taking the stand and expressing their rights as voters. For me, I've long stepped out of the childhood view that an election was a battle between the "good" party and the "bad" party. Whatever the outcome tomorrow, I hope both parties accept it with dignity. The MOST important thing though, is that may we see tomorrow through unscathed and safe. There's really no point in people getting hurt over this, even if it's of national proportions. 

First blog post in over a month woah. Either Med school's been really packed or I've been really lazy. 

There seems to be a Les Mis song for every occasion. Wheee

Met up with a couple of old friends yesterday night, and after all the food and drink, we would go into some customary reminiscing. I mean, these people have seen me through the most formative years of my life (should I say, we saw each other through). Recalling events of the past, laughing over former crazy shenanigans, hearing about relationships, past and current, and even learning about things that occurred years ago.

With the topic of relationships coming up most of the time, we eventually settled on one of our friends present. Having somehowww maintained a pretty low-key relationship for most of 3 years, I guess the rest of us were pretty curious how it all began.

After hearing their story, I was pretty amazed. You could say, they aren't your conventional couple. The buildup did not consist of a guy scheming to impress a girl, or deliberately going after her, but that of two really good friends that allowed time to run its course, with the pieces setting naturally into place, slowly coming into realisation that their friendship could go further. They recently celebrated their anniversary, but it was not to commemorate the day one party professed their feelings to the other. Apparently, their anniversary date was chosen to remember the "trigger": the day in a cold lecture hall, when a guy instinctively clutched the girl's hand, just to keep her warm. (And even after that, it probably took months of confusion before they knew where this was heading.)

They do not see each other as much, believing that days of our youth should be spent hanging out with your other friends too. Sometimes, even during moments when they do meet up, they will inadvertently focus more on reconnecting with old friends, then be the couple that trails behind a group.

I am both happy for and envious of them. Here are two people who have grown in love, seamlessly arriving to this stage where they are so comfortable with each other. So, maybe once in a while, we should discard our worries of the future and let fate run its course. As my friend herself has said, it's better to just keep things simple.

P.S: Never did mention my orientation here. In short, it was an eventful two weeks. Met some pretty awesome people and had loads of fun. The group may not be PM4 yet, but that requires effort mainly from my part. Besides that, med school just has the most "what the hell" timetable ever.

Priorities

Recalling this exchange me and Agnes had while talking to Thivya and Sarah at Salmon Steak.

On the topic of extra co-curricular activities:

Agnes: Honestly, it isn't the gerko marks that are important.

Me: Ya...

(Simultaneously)

Agnes: It's the certs.

Me: It's the passion.

(Awkward glances)