Boiling Point

I'm sorry for the lack of updates as I didn't want to cut off my "One Last Lecture" post by having others in between the two parts. BUT Ugh, I get so pissed sometimes with some people in class. And this has been a consistent feeling these days. =( My limit is just so much. Don't you think the quiets are normally the scariest? And you haven't seen me when I'm angry.

You say things you don't mean when you get emotional. But I think it's either the heat hasn't cooled off or I'm stable but still unhappy. Screw them.

One Last Lecture – Part 1

I used to really look forward to Saturdays.

Because I could get to meet all those familiar faces that I usually really get to meet only once a week(Saturday) and also to do the things I loved.

Yeah, I used to.

I stumbled upon CHS Guides by the recommendation of two friends: Le Yi and Pei Jia, who both had sisters in the society. So on Gerko Day, I signed myself up without much qualm. I remember during the welcoming party I was “caught” to stand up and had to introduce myself. I don’t remember why, but it was a game.

Then, there was Junior Camp. My patrol was Kai Yi and I remember being in awe with her, because well, she was so good. One memorable scene was where she told us to stay put in the shelter while she fought the rain herself to fix up our tents. And it was raining VERY heavily. I really owe Kai Yi a lot for what she taught us. Our patrol won the best performance and if I didn’t remember wrong, overall best patrol too. =’) If only you had stayed on longer, you would have helped changed this place a lot.

I know Form 1 was a really quiet year for me. I never really was active. I probably wanted to, but there was no one to do it with me. My closest friends weren’t that active themselves so I was restricted. We weren’t taken much notice of but we didn’t mind much. Fun was all we knew. And with that AGM arrived, I remember how emotional the seniors were. But as young as we were, we could feel not much sadness =(.

Form Two came and the batch of Form 5 that were elected had quite a bond with us as Le Yi knew some through her sister. But things didn’t change that much. I remember being a lousy member in a certain someone’s test camp and I am forever sorry. I still wonder whether it was my fault she gave up halfway. Also, during Form 2, we were exposed to tests, though being late bloomers, it was enough to get us interested. Even so, this was a year where I seem to be isolated from a lot of activities. Maybe because I was declared as incompetent. It was also the year where my peers got elected into office and there a barrier was formed.

To tell the truth, I was pretty (okay, awfully) disappointed without getting a post. Me and my friend, we were in quite a state of denial. We spent long hours discussing in the library. How were they any better from us? Some obviously stood out since day 1, but the rest fared no better than us, they might have been worse. Jia gave an explanation about them being more recognisable. But still, some damage was done there and to this day, I still have no answer.

At the end of Form 2, they had a camp. That we were no part of. And I can’t say that I felt no pang of jealousy at that. Moving on, it was also the time I met Hue Ching and also the time where she was facing one of her most crucial decisions. I guess it was because of that event that we actually became friends. I don’t remember how we started talking, just that it was from MSN. Me and Le Yi used to come early quite a lot for fun and we met her through that. Somehow, Le Yi asked for her email and I copied it down. So, to meet someone and advise them at such a turning point in their life. It is fate, don’t you think? =)

Also during the end of that year, there was the BAKP. That I myself had no part of somehow o.0. I remember being such an emo, even jotting down the reasons I sucked as a Guide in this VERY blog ( oh wait, was that another event?!) I remember writing emo personal messages on my blog and ranting to people, Hue Ching in particular =/ And I believed she tried to help me. Not to much avail. This was a particularly dark time for me. The end of Form 2 and possibly the start of Form 3. But anyway, somehow or another I did end up in that camp. And it was quite memorable, wrote about it in this very blog too. First out-of-school camp for me.

Oh yes, this AGM went by without much memory too. But I remember Le Yi exclaiming loudly with surprise when she found out who became the new UL.

Oh yeah, there was one day in Form 2 year end where me and Le Yi came to school to complete Kelas Dua folio. How semangat-ed we were then! And coincidentally, we met Marissa and Hue Ching too, who were gonna visit the old folk’s home XD

You could see that I probably never looked forward to Saturdays much then.

Form 3 year, I guess I could feel a bit of rebellion building. The disappointment was still there from not getting a post, and I thought, honestly that it separated us. I didn’t know this batch of Form 5s well at all and had this biased ill-fated opinion of them. I guess this was also a year I felt pretty isolated. (It was either this or last year) ==. Also, during this year, some small strides were taken. I actually stepped out to do a test without my usual posse of friends. Was it a certain someone’s influence? *shrugs* I know they were a lot of doubts of my capability, and in the end it never happened. But I remember all the encouragement I got. A pat on the back while we sat at the corridor after Sports Day raptai and I was feeling sorry for my sick self. A rather long comment of encouragement from a person i still look up to till today. Thanks a lot = ).

But also, things weren’t always going that well. I remember being told to wait outside a room while a gang discussed their own “private” affairs inside even though we were supposed to be working together on something else. I also remember being told not to follow some people and to walk my own way. So, how could I feel that I actually belonged? Devastated, really. There were probably lots of rants to different people on different matters but all is faded memory.

Of course, Form 3 was a time when I expanded my measly social circle somewhat. I remember walks with Lyn everyday after school and long talks with Marissa on Msn. So, slowly I was feeling some acceptance. Also I guess people were coming together, yeah the COH of my batch. And there was also the time we celebrated Shu Ling’s birthday in Dominoes’ and we played Spin The Bottle = =. I know.

Hm, this year I also got closer to my some form 4 seniors. From random occasions. One had asked me to prove myself and show myself too. But I guess I might have disappointed her when I never went for the interview, thinking it was of no hope. Also, that day was my birthday and I was taking the fire-lighting. I received a lot of help =) (you know who you are) Later, we also watched the HnG concert. Hehe X D

I hope I never crushed any senior’s hopes again during the camps I ‘helped’ out in. I know the Permit I went to was way better than the previous but still =(. But the BAKP one went on fine and JiaX was an awesome leader XD.

This AGM also went on pretty calmly. Just that some controversy about presents occured. And it was held in a ..classroom instead of the usual Lecture Theatre. Ah yes, I even remember how the results were announced. That day it was the Independence Day Launching and there was the Traditional Costume Competition. Me and Lyn were spending recess talking at our classroom blocks. Soon, we received news that the results were out and some quite shocking too. (HC!) And we both went “Aiyah! Should have gone down, now we missed all the drama XD”

Wah, so long.== Part 2 later lar.

17 Candles

I lived my life full with expectation. And all this while I had my hopes crushed and scattered before me. Thus, I had resorted to placing no to exceptionally low expectations on events in my life. The thing is, this method seems to work. Never mind about that now, the main thing here is, I am happy =DD.

12th July which was yesterday, was my birthday. Compared to that rather emotional affair last year, this beats it by a long shot. Though, for last year I only had myself to blame. A wrong decision and some false hope was the cause. =( Anyway,onto pictures and brief reminiscence  of the past two days.

Someone once pointed out the puzzling thought of why a person like me (what kind of person I dunno) could have such good friends. And yes, she was right. I do have awesome awesum awezum friends :)

First off, Hui Wen, Le Yi and Pei Jia spent the eve with me at my home. Lyn was supposed to be present too..but stuff came up =S.

Jia and Le Yi cycling on my brother’s bikes haha =D

 

The oreo cheesecake Le Yi made. Yum =)

Cutting cake

Then, on the day itself. Yee Ling wished me through SMS like3 minutes earlier lol. She had to purposely set alarm to remind herself to send=. = And Hue Ching wished me on MSN. Facebook wishes started piling up at around 12.30 o.0. In school, I saw a bunch of people gathered round already before assembly and suspected something le.

It was also Wan Siang’s birthday. So class sang for us =D. By the way, class photos were out and ours looked AWESOME!! Recess, more wishes and my suspicions were right! Pei Jia gave me a card, so adorable =D

Pei, Yu Li and Rach also gave me a book—The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. Too bad I had it already….And they took it back =. =. But let me mention here, good pick because out of all 4 of his books, I enjoyed this the most =)

At night,went to dinner at Umai-Ya, IOI Boulevard with Hui Wen. Only the two of us. Again >=( Kena sorta ffk. Grr.

 

Adorable Tea Cup

Udon Yum =P

Tora Yaki Yum Yum =D

=D

After window shopping at IOI, I had to get home to cut the cake. Alexis Tiramisu,  Yum Yum. Too bad the meringue one wouldn’t last.

What  I got :

                             

The book from Pei, Li and Rach. My own copy as a replacement =)

A….er…craft house from Wen, Lyn, Jia , Le Yi, Hue Ching and Seng Yew

 

   Pei Jia’s handmade card.

 

A card from Xin Ying

 

3 songs. 2 cakes. And one pretty awesome birthday. Though there were moments of minor dissatisfaction and still the urge to pummel someone, yes, I am happy. And so grateful =)) Thank you, everyone.

As If

A friend once said that the lack of updates was a good thing, at least the lack of my more sentimental (emo) updates is.

But, that's not true.

I haven been feeling down on multiple random occasions, for reasons known to myself.

But the main emotion here is not one of sadness, but of anger.

This is hatred coursing through my veins now.

You've crossed a line, two times too fast.

And if I hadn't slept earlier, I would still have murderous intent. But never mind, I don't care anymore.

And I doubt that you would to.

Though concerning different matters.

My Dream Story of Success

All my life I’ve been questioned on my ambition. And throughout the years I’ve given different answers. True, the mind of one does develop and mature as they grow but there is one thing that I have always place as an ambition just yearning for me to attain., one that I can truly call my success. I need to learn the courage to accept and to change. The earth shifts, the stars die, people come and go. You can say that change is the only constant cycle in life. Yet., many are feared by it. I wish for not only the power to accept change but also the gift to administer it.

Have you listened to the “Earth Song” by Michael Jackson? I do not quite recall it now but I remember part of the lyrics to b like “What about sunrise? What about rain?” Yes. What about them? Or is it more like what has happened to them? The sun rises into a sky filled with toxic fumes and smog. The rain we children used to play under now has the destructive power of acid corrosion. What has happened to the world? Yes, it is change. We are slowly entering the area of metal and technology, where soon parks and ball games will only be seen through and experienced through virtual simulation. Is that what we really want? I hope for the power to do change the world back to it roots, where one ran barefooted in the grassy fields and drank out of fresh spring water. From signing petitions to regular lake clean-ups, that is only so little I can do. But once, with the authority and power, I hope to be able to do more.

I used to have different ideas on what career to pursue in. Now, I am quite keen on majoring in the field of medicine. Once, when asked why I wanted to be a doctor, I (quite so)innocently replied that it was in order to help people. Only to have my mum snort in disbelief, claiming that medical practitioners nowadays only have eyes on their own financial needs. Is that so? I wouldn’t believe that there is no one left in the world who would take up a job with the sincere interest of making a difference in this world. So many wars have broken out through the years, and over nonsensical reasons were they fought. The high-ranking officials responsible sit smugly at home, while the citizens of those war-torn lands, the TRUE victims, are tortured, maimed and mentally destroyed each day the white flag is not raised. If I would ever get the chance and the courage to do so, I would volunteer myself to these lands to give medical aid. It is not out any act of sympathy, but as a duty of every man to care for their fellow.

Besides all that talk, one thing that I wish the power to change most is---myself. I am really a rotten person sometimes. I have been on the verge on neglecting what’s most important to me—my family and friends. When was the last time I had a nice laugh over the phone with a best buddy or the last time I talked to my grandmother, who watches on each day as I rush up the stairs upon reaching home from school, leaving her alone on the sofa…I, not only me, but this world needs a bit more love. A little act of kindness can go so far. You could help a teacher carry her books or buy lunch for a friend. These small things, though just miniscule compared to the accomplishments of missionaries and politicians, are just ways of showing we care for this world. Even though it may not be much to the world, but it may be the world to someone.

I may be alone now with only hope to cling on in achieving my dream. But I know, together with hope I can soar. This world deserves to be in the hands of better people and I know my generation is making the first step into brightening our futures. We will have a land of peace, harmony and integral understanding. One day, I will see all this in front of me, and I can say, I have succeeded.

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one”

“Maybe someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one”

http://www.sunway.edu.my/mysuccess

Any way the wind blows...

Well, the time had finally come. I don't know what spurred you to say that but thank you for your honesty. And yes, as how you've put me, a part of me still remains sceptical about your sincerity but why put my mind through so much doubt and torture? I will just and can only accept it and let it be. Also, this is a part of me that will take some time to change. You built your defences, why can't I?

I know I was pretty demanding, and I admit, annoying. Still am and will be. X D. I was biting more than I could chew, I wanted more when I already had so much. I always thought you could give me more, and as a dealer of false hope, I gambled on. I should have learnt my lesson long ago and here I'm pretty grateful to you for not abandoning me, because I know you could have. Easily. I wanted more freedom with this, but it only ended up restricting us more. I don't know but things felt so awkward sometimes. It was just a struggle to hold myself together, an inner struggle which I kept losing.

Yes, things will be better now. They have to be. We are happy the way we are, no point straining this friendship. It's true, I decide on my happiness. And hopefully, I get to share it with you. I am a stubborn person ( and rather impulsive too), so getting my moods in check is going to be really challenging. Sorry.

"Life had just begun"- Bohemian Rhapsody. And I'm sure there's still a long way to go for us. We've faced so much before, but life's only just beginning. Oh, one more thing, I was a jerk that day. You know, I know, what I mean. But this means, I lose to you once again. FML ><

Not that I can't get over it. I just think I should mark this down =)Nothing has changed. Except maybe for a cleared mind. We're still close, good friends. =D

I've restricted the use of emoticons to not spoil the mood X).

Glee's version of Bohemian Rhapsody and Over the Rainbow is <3.

And of course, this post is only for the said person. And it still sucks because I haven't hung out with you yet ><" Grrr....

Undeserving

Why is all that's left an empty feeling?

I just feel very bad now.

No wonder my brother says that I have two sides of me. Bipolar disorder?

I probably typed and said things I wouldn't have under a cool mind.

Yet, a part of me doesn't regret all this.

Which part is the true me? @.@

And I screwed up. Because things could have turned out better.