Never Truly Gone

I can't believe a year has passed already. Time felt like it has flowed both swiftly and slowly. I remember it was the week of holiday after the Semester 1 examinations. It wasn't a particularly good week, with today last year marking my grandmother's passing.

This year, the week was mostly going out, meeting people and preparing for Prom on Friday. It's fortunate that you've already seen me dressed up lavishly during my last prom. You may not be able to see my look tomorrow, but I'm sure you would have said I looked wonderful despite my own doubts.

Always in thought, and in memory.

Minute

I recall, during the last Raleigh meet, me and Kar Lye were talking about my probable Borneo expedition (fingers crossed!) and my gap year plans. Soon she said to me " It's good(that you'll be doing medicine)! We're always in need of medical staff. Our doctors are usually venturers who take time off their work to volunteer during expeditions."

I guess, it's these little things, that are of such significance to me. Comments that may seem so casually uttered bear more weight to me. How we'll be meeting after so long to see how everyone has fared, how my friends consulting me (best they don't get that chance) in the future. Mere words, or the simplest of actions, all forms of motivation, expectation. If you put it in a darker light, burden and pressure.

Nonetheless, this is all it takes to thrust me back on my path.

Only takes you so far

    You could say that I am sort of an amphibian. As how they are able to survive both on land and underwater, I find that I am still at least able to sustain myself by learning both the arts and the sciences. However, frogs too are able to drown and now, amidst my finals, I find that I am too, possibly suffocating under these Science-based subjects. Maybe that's why I am under-performing, the purely science and math syllabus has gradually lost its appeal, and I was soon enough forced into repetition. Yes, I have come to find that I detest routine, I tire of things easily (at least in that of a career, there is reassurance of doing the same simple daily actions). So, Medicine seemed a good choice, new cases and people everyday, also a fine balance of humanity and technology. Yet, I sometimes doubt my decision. It's not only because I may be bored of it soon or that I'm not suited to it. Unlike other careers, you deal with life in Medicine. I wonder how my peers are so confidently assured that this is their career pathway, have they ever stumbled on doubts such as mine? Can they be so sure they won't be pummeled by the pressure of the workload? Are they able to stay strong and calm when all around them is dejection and gloom? Can you tell a patient with a straight face the chances they have or to not be eaten away yourself by the sorrow? To live such an altruistic lifestyle, that a phone call from the hospital puts off any social arrangements immediately? I know, the situations may not be as bad as I said or one may choose to not be as dedicated. But what if you really had to give all that, and you couldn't, or wouldn't?

     I wish I could be like Michael Crichton, medical doctor yet also accomplished author(Jurassic Park among his works). I guess I really do enjoying learning new thing (tires of old knowledge easily too). If only I really could do a medical and art degree together.

     Quite a while back, I read a post from Louise's blog.( I would share the specific post link but there doesn't seem to be one for it, only the blog in general ), where she wrote on privilege. Yes, I too am privileged. You, reading this too, as well. I am grateful that I've always been given these opportunities, that I had a chance to test myself, to even still be as indecisive as I currently am now. Some do not have the right to make such (in)decisions, having being thrust a particular way of life they have to conform to. I still have the right to choose, to realise what truly is right for me, to be wrong, to try and to learn. I am truly grateful to my parents, for almost always giving me these chances to take that leap of faith, to venture into waters untested. There will be even more chances to really pit myself against the world later on, but whatever the decision I make, something will come out of it.

      Another thing I thought about was Passion. I am also truly blessed to have known many passionate people throughout my short lifetime, especially from CHS. By passionate, I mean they really had a cause or a talent that they were fully devoted to. You would expect these people to want to fully develop their potentials by gunning for the best possible institutions. Yet, that seems far from it. I know of a friend, who is currently pursuing Law locally(for now, twinning later on). From his tweets, his actions, his affiliations, you could really tell that he is REALLY into it, the political situation of our country, our rights, they really are of true concern to him. On the other hand, another friend has been accepted into one of the world's most prestigious to read Law, yet she has never displayed( at least not as openly, or as strongly) her passion as compared to my earlier mentioned friend. It does make me wonder, do we apply to these top institutions, because we need the reassurance of a highly-creditable certification to succeed in that field later on? Those who are truly passionate, confident enough with their talents that they would settle for a sufficiently creditable institution locally, knowing that it is their skill that will take them far? I have friends who work wonders with a brush(or other drawing materials) and a friend who has been contributing to one of the Star's pullout since high school, all having their big dreams but slowly attaining them here at home. I know, that this isn't generally true. Passionate people do get in to top institutions and there are other factors as to why you stay or go overseas. But this is an observation and it does make me wonder, am I myself not content, unsure of my skill, painstaking ambitious or do I really just seek the exposure?

A Leap of Faith(Fate)

To be honest, I was already quite fascinated with the option of taking a gap year, even before I got into the predicament I am in now. When my UCAS application results were coming out, and I got my first rejection, half of me was just hoping everything would just turn up null so I could go on the gap year. And well, they did!

So, though it still stings, I am still looking forward to the possibilities of a free year :D Shall list out my plans. So many options swimming in my head, yet am unsure whether I'll be able to accomplish them all.

1. Learn First Aid+ Life Saving
This one is quite a priority. Not just because I'll be studying Medicine(hopefully?) but because I think these skills are quite vital. In case of emergencies, at least I'll be able to help somehow, instead of standing still in wide-mouthed fear. Have found some classes, shall look more into it after A2.

2. Volunteer
This one also is a must, and unless I'm that heartless or fussy of the organisations I volunteer for, I will definitely be devoting my time to a charity/organisation. I was initially considering applying to volunteer at Pax Lodge, which was in the UK. But I only found out there was a deadline, a few days before the deadline... Furthermore, the application process is quite complicated, needing 3 references and all that. Have looked at some websites and asked a friend for any recommendations, still waiting for my answer.

3. Read and Watch!
So many unread books I have collecting dust on my bookshelves. Must get to devouring them before I buy more books and increase the pile. Will explore new series of manga too XD. For watch, it would be movies.  I never really went to the cinemas when I was younger, probably missed out on some good movies. So when I'm not out exploring the world, can still do so mentally through a good film.

4.UCAS/ Common App(?)
One reason why I considered going to Pax Lodge was because if I do reapply for UCAS. I wouldn't have to fly over to the UK for any interview, because I'll be there already!  And Common App, also still considering this. Preparing for SATs itself would just take up so much of the Gap Year, and more money would be used for the application. I do sort of rue not trying this out last year. The American Education System does seem quite appealing. It supports the moulding of all-rounded individuals, so you may not only learn things from your course. Yet, admissions(into the Ivies) are so tough. Who knows whether the risk is worth it. Oh yes, I was put off applying because Medicine is only Post-Graduate there and that the US is quite scary. Looking past that now, and just thinking about how the education system would benefit me.(Won't apply for Medicine if I do try this out).

5.Expedition!
I first saw a Raleigh article a few years back, and was keen on making a trip to Borneo to really "Get Out There". Hearing the testimonials of past-venturers, really inspires you to take this leap. One would really come back different from this, giving yourself away to nature for 10 weeks. Finally, an opportunity has appeared. Shall be participating in the Spring 2013 expedition if all goes well.

Besides that expedition, I really do want to do more travelling. Had actually planned to head to Taiwan for cycling with a friend. Unfortunately, she now has other commitments to tend too. Besides that idea, haven't really given this much thought, except maybe that I should go to the UK again.

6.Climbing Mt. Kinabalu
Read an article here . The writer was recounting his trip from when they started off at KK up until they reached the peak. As a Malaysian and self-proclaimed adventurous(only for certain cases), I must achieve this if not during my gap year than some day. After seeing Kareem's(said article's writer) photos, I was hooked. I have to get up there and see those sights for myself. The thing is, how do I train myself to be physically fit for it so I don't tumble 4000km down and who to go with.

* Mind the Gap Malaysia was started by fellow Malaysian students who are currently on their Gap Years. One of the founders, Louise is an old high school senior, thus how I came upon it.

7.Clean my room
I probably have much stowed away junk that I have forgotten about. And I lost my Form 5 photos D: Really mind-boggling how stuff just keeps piling up.

That's about it for now. A2 comes first!

Back

The blog shall be open to public again :) And as I said, blog post after uni results are out. First :

 

Ain’t that just sad? You may ignore the final choice, because the course wasn’t Medicine.  I think if I had blogged about this earlier, the post would be way more emotional than it is now. Currently, I heard that friends who are of better qualifications (at least academically) too receiving all rejections. It seems that for us Medicine applicants, the admission process and the chances of selection are just that more tedious. However, after seeing those even more deserving fail too. Doesn’t make you that sorry for yourself. It’s still unfair though, seeing how things have worked out better for some than others. Guess it’s just luck sometimes.

One thing the string of rejections has done though, is it made me question whether I was really that suitable for the course. Being one (who tries )to not settle for second best, I have this mentality that if I couldn’t achieve the best of something , the I probably am not suited for it. e.g if I couldn’t get into that (high-ranked) uni for that particular field, I may not be suited for the course after all.  I know that is just BS, but it’s quite hard to shrug off this kiasu attitude I’ve developed since..secondary school? :3

As a form of comfort:

This is from the Guardian’s University Guide for Medicine. And those circled are the unis I’ve applied to. Yeah, so in my defence, they were all elites D= though some say Dundee was the black sheep in my application. My state in the applications was like a “You’re good, but sorry you’re not good ENOUGH”.  It must have something to do with my articulation(or lack thereof). Since interviews were all used to judge me before the decision was made. Except for Edinburgh, who had no interviews.(So I guess I lack in other aspects too). 

So now, a lingering thought that has kept plaguing is : Should I have chosen Medicine? (Un)Fortunately, I get around to organising my reasons for choosing it in the first place and reassure myself. Though I wish my path would be clearer. Being a jack of all traits does this to you. I actually enjoy arguments(though I usually only speak better and make better arguments  when it is typed, oh the irony). Law? And I do write though not as extensively as before. So considered being an author, journalist? Spent long hours just thinking about how people and the world work? Hm philosophy? Used to draw manga characters while friends gave their opinions? So there was design? There doesn’t see to be any fixed and certain occupation that one is perfect for.  If only I could just be a volunteer my whole life, to travel and meet people. How enriching that would be.

On the bright side of this: Gap Year! To do all exploring I want before I head back to formal education. Hoping that a year off would give me some enlightenment.  And since trials are over and it is now the holidays, shall properly plan what I will due with that year.

野心

I believe that you can't measure and compare suffering the same way for any two people. Some people would have been granted the ability to overcome more obstacles than others. You could say that we have different thresholds for our sadness and our pain. The environment and one's upbringing would also have influenced their strengths to face adversity. People who have been through worst at earlier stages of their life would probably disregard a problem of the same gravity faced by someone else. Those in war-torn countries or those living in lands scarce of resources have faced such conditions their whole life but have gradually adapted themselves to cope. Though our problems would never outweigh theirs, the amount of pain and anguish you feel would probably amount to the same level.

The same would probably go for one's level of content. Though gifted with more skills, it may not mean they are happy. I believe I have been granted with a wee bit more talent in certain fields (and subsequently, way more ego).The achievements I've accomplished thus far may be enough to make others proud yet myself am not satisfied. The urge to do better provides one with the will to improve but it has culminate into a hunger that is never easily satiated. Sometimes I do wish I were more easily content. Though supposedly more gifted, it is not enough for success. And I still have to teach myself to settle for second best. Currently, this mentality of aiming for the top is causing myself a lot of doubt and conflict,making decisions that much more harder than they already are.

Last uni has not replied yet but wanted to blog this. And my ruler was left behind at the hotel. Sigh. Depressed.

（I would have written the english version of the blog title, which means ambition. But the chinese one has so much more aggression and emotion to it.)

Dull

Recently, Pei asked me to unprivatise my blog,as well as blog too since it has been a while, and the need to make this blog private is no more, since almost all my UCAS unis have replied,(bearing bad news though). But I'm not giving a more substantial update yet, nor making this public, until I get my reply.

For now, life is feeling very routine and empty. I need something more than the obligations I have in college. Missing the spontaneity and vibrancy life once had. And how my activities were more diverse than college matters. Decided to visit CHS on Friday with a few good friends/fellow guides. I was delayed slightly because of CALEB stuff and the line at Chatime, and the rain probably shortened the meet up but it was still good being back at the lodge. One always feels welcomed back at CHS. That day was a accumulation of simple but happy matters, like making lucky yet impressive shots at pool and hearing that your juniors wanted to meet you but had to rush to work.

After A2, I really need to return to the all the affiliations that mattered to me and to resume doing what I want to do.