Recently, Pei asked me to unprivatise my blog,as well as blog too since it has been a while, and the need to make this blog private is no more, since almost all my UCAS unis have replied,(bearing bad news though). But I'm not giving a more substantial update yet, nor making this public, until I get my reply.
For now, life is feeling very routine and empty. I need something more than the obligations I have in college. Missing the spontaneity and vibrancy life once had. And how my activities were more diverse than college matters. Decided to visit CHS on Friday with a few good friends/fellow guides. I was delayed slightly because of CALEB stuff and the line at Chatime, and the rain probably shortened the meet up but it was still good being back at the lodge. One always feels welcomed back at CHS. That day was a accumulation of simple but happy matters, like making lucky yet impressive shots at pool and hearing that your juniors wanted to meet you but had to rush to work.
After A2, I really need to return to the all the affiliations that mattered to me and to resume doing what I want to do.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Dong Dong Qiang
Slept at about 3a.m on Sunday night and woke up at about 8.40 the next morning. So you could imagine the groggy state of mind I was in. Already on Twitter and Facebook, I could see classmates rejoicing....and lamenting.
My results are alright. But I'm still boggled, and worried about the percentiles. A lot of effort is now required for A2.
And that was how the morning of Chinese New Year 2012 began.
My results are alright. But I'm still boggled, and worried about the percentiles. A lot of effort is now required for A2.
And that was how the morning of Chinese New Year 2012 began.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Blackout
Back in high school when I was taking Lit for SPM, one of the poems we learnt was "A quarrel between day and night". Though it may not be as eloquent as the others( I prefer those that rhyme!), I think one part stuck with us.
“that is why I fear the night
always bringing dream thoughts
making one hungry in the chest
the next morning”
What is it about the night that seems to make it associated with more morbid matters. I tend to drift into my emotional state at night, resulting in most of my poems being written then. Coincidentally, all these poems were on a rather melancholic tone.
It must be during the quiet of the night, when you are alone in your room, facing the computer screen, that inspiration comes to you. In the silence, you let the thoughts that would never venture beyond your subconscious in the day penetrate to your line of thought. The problems you flung to the back of your head resurface, you doubt the decisions you’ve made, you worry about the next day. Dream thoughts aren’t only nightmares, they occur in reality too. In times of great emotional stress, you let all those extreme feelings settle in the night and they subdue you. You wonder about the point of all this, you ask yourself why did you ever go this far? You feel like giving it all up and you try to escape to the temporary fortress of your dreams, to wake up with a yearning feeling.
I remember how serious conversations occur at night. I use to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, plainly chatting with a few friends. Our topics ranged from trivial daily happenings to those of our organisation’s grave political standing. Two of us were both passionate( I believe we still are now) and long nights used to be spent discussing about the organisations future, how things have deteriorated dearly compared to the past, how we sought to revive it to it’s former glory and abilities. Certain bonds seem to be fostered from spilling your inner thoughts to like minds late at night, where you find some solace in the other soul reading your words another computer away.
I welcome the night, it brings forth what you would not dare face in the day. It means that daylight is not far away.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
A thought
A long while back, around Form 2 or Form 3, a friend of mine told me that I was the type who relied more on my ability than luck to achieve success. He was actually referring specifically to how I could never score as well in those Paper 1 MCQ questions compared to the Subjective ones. But, I guess it goes beyond the four choices of A,B,C,D,( damn, now I think of AS Physics Paper 1) to how I have to choose between 31 colleges.
Ian and Jie Min always said they were lucky, after the interview, it really is down to luck. Ish.
And I seem to be going to the Five Stages of Grief.I guess I'm pass the denial phase, still pretty much angry, skipped passed bargaining to depression and probably will never come to terms with it.
Ian and Jie Min always said they were lucky, after the interview, it really is down to luck. Ish.
And I seem to be going to the Five Stages of Grief.I guess I'm pass the denial phase, still pretty much angry, skipped passed bargaining to depression and probably will never come to terms with it.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Strikeout
Please don't worry. Am in stable condition. I just need to put my thoughts down in this self-depreciating/rant and very disorganised post.
You know despite how Trinity is, it is still your fault. You're not good enough. Why were you so complacent? Maybe if you had studied more and practiced more, you would have done better for BMAT. Maybe if you had stopped slacking so much and read up more, the interview would have gone much smoother. Why did you have to hesitate? The answers were in your head, yet uncertainty overruled your courage and you backed out. He probably thought you were inept, resorting to prompt and give you hints instead.
You were greedy too. You foolishly thought you stood a chance for a scholarship as lucrative yet as elusive as Jardine. You applied to Trinity, because of its reputation and standing, also as it is one of Jardine's chosen colleges. In the end, you got nothing. You already had an inkling it would end like this. You doubted whether Trinity was a wise choice, but for the scholarship, you went with it. Now,maybe someone of lower qualifications has gotten an offer because they went for a lesser college. Yet, knowing you, if you didn't try aiming for the best, your hunger would never be satisfied too. That's just how selfish you are.
Now, you would never be among those in CUMAS, never be able to experience collegiate uni life or to partake in their activities.Cambridge does have that appeal after all, besides the reputation, there's the beautiful landscapes and the quaint university town. You sought for that, and it was not yours to be.
You're a fool. You are cocky. You are never satisfied.
Now you look at people celebrating their offers on thestudentroom, each new offer a small blow, with those of medicine particularly harder. You know that you're only feeling alright now because you have yet to receive news of successful candidates from your college for medicine. You will be happy for your friends who succeed, but inside it will still hurt. You will both congratulate them and envy them. And your heart will die a little more inside.
You have failed all who believed in you. Wasted the effort of those who helped you on your path. Forced to break sad news to those who were along with you on this journey, telling them of your abrupt end. You weren't worth it, worth their support and advice. You try to sound as nonchalant as possible, maybe you really were alright with it then. It takes time for the realization to set in.
Well, now you reside in false hope, a state of self-denial. You still hope for a miracle even when it's alright set. It's alright, this is how you have always dealt with rejection. You'll come to your senses. This is a big blow, it may take longer. And you may never fully recover from it. But you'll move on soon. You hope this may be for the better, yes you do hope that, but you know you've let a big chance in life slip away.
You know despite how Trinity is, it is still your fault. You're not good enough. Why were you so complacent? Maybe if you had studied more and practiced more, you would have done better for BMAT. Maybe if you had stopped slacking so much and read up more, the interview would have gone much smoother. Why did you have to hesitate? The answers were in your head, yet uncertainty overruled your courage and you backed out. He probably thought you were inept, resorting to prompt and give you hints instead.
You were greedy too. You foolishly thought you stood a chance for a scholarship as lucrative yet as elusive as Jardine. You applied to Trinity, because of its reputation and standing, also as it is one of Jardine's chosen colleges. In the end, you got nothing. You already had an inkling it would end like this. You doubted whether Trinity was a wise choice, but for the scholarship, you went with it. Now,maybe someone of lower qualifications has gotten an offer because they went for a lesser college. Yet, knowing you, if you didn't try aiming for the best, your hunger would never be satisfied too. That's just how selfish you are.
Now, you would never be among those in CUMAS, never be able to experience collegiate uni life or to partake in their activities.Cambridge does have that appeal after all, besides the reputation, there's the beautiful landscapes and the quaint university town. You sought for that, and it was not yours to be.
You're a fool. You are cocky. You are never satisfied.
Now you look at people celebrating their offers on thestudentroom, each new offer a small blow, with those of medicine particularly harder. You know that you're only feeling alright now because you have yet to receive news of successful candidates from your college for medicine. You will be happy for your friends who succeed, but inside it will still hurt. You will both congratulate them and envy them. And your heart will die a little more inside.
You have failed all who believed in you. Wasted the effort of those who helped you on your path. Forced to break sad news to those who were along with you on this journey, telling them of your abrupt end. You weren't worth it, worth their support and advice. You try to sound as nonchalant as possible, maybe you really were alright with it then. It takes time for the realization to set in.
Well, now you reside in false hope, a state of self-denial. You still hope for a miracle even when it's alright set. It's alright, this is how you have always dealt with rejection. You'll come to your senses. This is a big blow, it may take longer. And you may never fully recover from it. But you'll move on soon. You hope this may be for the better, yes you do hope that, but you know you've let a big chance in life slip away.
Losing the Gamble
I already knew deep down that an offer was too much to ask. I was desperately hoping to at least be pooled. Though my imagination still wondered off to scenes of celebrations and walks around the campus. But still, too much to hope for.
With Gmail being how it is, I already saw the beginning of the email before I clicked it.
"I regret to inform you that,....."
And I could say that my heart did sink. (CHS joke here)
Just to make sure, I read it again. To make matters worst, I won't even be considered for pooling, which would have at least gave me a second lifeline.
Fortunately, I took it better than I had expected. Guess maybe the realization hasn't really hit yet. Proceeded then to tell my friends who I've shared my Cambridge applying experience with, breaking the news to them. Am grateful for their advice and consideration, telling me to not dwell on the matter, to not think it's because I'm the one unworthy, to say that it wasn't worth all that stress anyway, one friend even said he expected me to get in. Haha. After a talk with a senior who's there now, I guess I just made some wrong choices. I gambled on a college I knew was competitive because I wanted to risk a scholarship. Instead of taking the more strategic route of applying to a college with a higher admissions rate, I foolishly(or as my senior says, confidently) risked it on Trinity( which is usually the highest-performing college of Cambridge).
So, if anyone were to blame, it would be me. For not doing as well as I could have and for being so foolish.
Maybe it was just not meant to be.
With Gmail being how it is, I already saw the beginning of the email before I clicked it.
"I regret to inform you that,....."
And I could say that my heart did sink. (CHS joke here)
Just to make sure, I read it again. To make matters worst, I won't even be considered for pooling, which would have at least gave me a second lifeline.
Fortunately, I took it better than I had expected. Guess maybe the realization hasn't really hit yet. Proceeded then to tell my friends who I've shared my Cambridge applying experience with, breaking the news to them. Am grateful for their advice and consideration, telling me to not dwell on the matter, to not think it's because I'm the one unworthy, to say that it wasn't worth all that stress anyway, one friend even said he expected me to get in. Haha. After a talk with a senior who's there now, I guess I just made some wrong choices. I gambled on a college I knew was competitive because I wanted to risk a scholarship. Instead of taking the more strategic route of applying to a college with a higher admissions rate, I foolishly(or as my senior says, confidently) risked it on Trinity( which is usually the highest-performing college of Cambridge).
So, if anyone were to blame, it would be me. For not doing as well as I could have and for being so foolish.
Maybe it was just not meant to be.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Year that was
It was a year that welcomed new stages in life as some things had to be left in the past.
The one major component of this year was college, and more specifically, the people of PM4. It was a new environment for us all as we fresh out of high school. I remember the first day of class where we had our "orientation", everything seemed so awkward still. I think the one who really spurred the craziness of our class was John, the weirdest assistant class rep you could ever get. A guy who leans in so close to your face during random times it's claustrophobic, who can do splits, wakes you up by going "HARK!" when you least expect it and who likes almost every comment and post on our class group page. According to him,the class was so quiet initially, he figured he had to do something crazy to lighten things up. And thank god he did! We've gone through so much together now, there was our epic oreo prank on Ms Lim during April Fool's day, class parties, farewells, sleepovers, badminton sessions,movie and karaoke sessions and the class trip to Singapore!Ok, I shall stop going into detailed on the class as I think PM4 deserves a post on its own when we graduate next year. So, it's been a year of ups and downs with the Pre-MAD people but I'm looking forward to another 6 months of mayhem!
Another big chunk of college was CALEB. Ok I know most of my readers would fall under this group (Hi Yunny! Hi Shufy! =3) so I shal try to keep this short too haha. Well, joining CALEB has introduced to people who I think have clicked better with me than some classmates. Maybe we share more common interests( like the love of manga/anime XD) or somehow it's just much more easier talking to them. Things never got off to a great start and are still pretty rough now. Conflicts seem to keep arising from certain parties but what organisation doesn't have it's share of politics? Just that sometimes I really feel like bitch-slapping someone and telling them to quit living in their own delusional bubble or to acquire some sense of self-respect. Geez. Well, our tenure has yet to end to, so I stop here. Let's hope the yearbook doesn't turn out a disaster. *shuffles feet and moves on*
From this year onwards, I won't be directly involved with the Girl Guides of CHS anymore, only a senior who visits occasionally to dish out advice(whether it helps is another thing) or just to observe. After going through so much with an organisation that taught you so much, and possibly changed you for the better, it is hard to fully detach yourself from it. I've managed to return for most of the major events- Junior Camp, Night Gathering, and most recently, the Permit Camp (and it was during AS!). Nevertheless,it isn't the same when you're not the one building gadgets under the hot sun all the long, fretting over the goings of your camp, or losing sleep to finish more gadgets and rush logbooks. Haha it doesn't sound as bad as it does, seriously. All these activities are what bring you and your groupmates together.Camping really does bring out the best and worst of you. When I returned for Permit, Ms Margaret even asked me to help her be the tester by checking on their campsite. Sigh. Glad to still be part of all this. Looking forward for more events in the future.
I guess, as a result of not fully being part of the girl guides anymore, I joined Raleigh. It was actually something I knew of for quite a long time. I read articles on it in the paper years ago, about how they traveled rural areas to help the communities there. So, I finally got the chance to join one of their Introduction Weekends(IW) March this year. I think,besides the activities they do, one of the factors that make you stick to Raleigh would be their people. Never have seen such dedicated and passionate youths. These are really people with hopes of bringing change for our community. They come from all walks of life, but have all gathered under Raleigh( and for some, other youth organisation of their own) to channel their beliefs and knowledge to future eager young participants. Unfortunately, I couldn't be as active as I would like to be. Due to other events clashing or exams looming, I missed out on most of the Monthly Meets and couldn't be a facilitator for the other two IWs held after mine. Hopefully, next year allows me more time to be involved with more simpler pleasures such as this.
Now for some more possibly life-changing events. One was how I had gotten a scholarship from JPA, which entails a chosen Pre-U course and then a degree course in medicine in IMU. Let me digress a bit here, I recently finish that Steve Jobs' Biography by Walter Isaacson. One thing I can relate with Steve is how he has this urge to control every aspect of his company. For me, I would say it's more of an urge to want to have control of my choices in life,to have everything pre-planned in my head and to be played out like how I wanted it. Sure for more trivial matters, like whether I should go out tomorrow or when I do my work, I leave to chance. But for those major ones, I would like to have the decision made in advance. So, I had already set in mind that I wanted to apply to UCAS and to at least, get an offer from a UK uni, probably the moment I decided on A-Levels. So, when the scholarship offer arrived, I knew I would not relent so easily. In the end, a compromise was worked out( Eternal Gratitude to my mum for all her effort in making this work) and I'm still in Taylor's,the scholarship is sort of suspended until I go to IMU and I'm nervously awaiting the results of my university applications. Would things have been different if I has gone to INTEC(which was the Pre-U institution I got offered), who knows, but I don't regret not leaving TCSJ and even if I am to take a Gap Year, it would be way more beneficial than studying A-Levels again for two years.
Now this is the most shattering event of the year, which was my grandmother's passing in June. She was with me us our whole lives as she stayed nearby and come over every day and after she got very ill, stayed at our home. I really did wish there was more of her time here to be with us, to see me and brothers grow up but it would only be selfish upon that. We could see that she was already in a lot of suffering during those final months and at least now, she is finally at ease.
That's all of the more significant events of 2011. I would say this is more of a record than it is a reflection. I don't know what next year has in store for me, but I'm sure it will be one full of stress(A2!) and maybe heartbreak(Uni apps!)
The one major component of this year was college, and more specifically, the people of PM4. It was a new environment for us all as we fresh out of high school. I remember the first day of class where we had our "orientation", everything seemed so awkward still. I think the one who really spurred the craziness of our class was John, the weirdest assistant class rep you could ever get. A guy who leans in so close to your face during random times it's claustrophobic, who can do splits, wakes you up by going "HARK!" when you least expect it and who likes almost every comment and post on our class group page. According to him,the class was so quiet initially, he figured he had to do something crazy to lighten things up. And thank god he did! We've gone through so much together now, there was our epic oreo prank on Ms Lim during April Fool's day, class parties, farewells, sleepovers, badminton sessions,movie and karaoke sessions and the class trip to Singapore!Ok, I shall stop going into detailed on the class as I think PM4 deserves a post on its own when we graduate next year. So, it's been a year of ups and downs with the Pre-MAD people but I'm looking forward to another 6 months of mayhem!
Another big chunk of college was CALEB. Ok I know most of my readers would fall under this group (Hi Yunny! Hi Shufy! =3) so I shal try to keep this short too haha. Well, joining CALEB has introduced to people who I think have clicked better with me than some classmates. Maybe we share more common interests( like the love of manga/anime XD) or somehow it's just much more easier talking to them. Things never got off to a great start and are still pretty rough now. Conflicts seem to keep arising from certain parties but what organisation doesn't have it's share of politics? Just that sometimes I really feel like bitch-slapping someone and telling them to quit living in their own delusional bubble or to acquire some sense of self-respect. Geez. Well, our tenure has yet to end to, so I stop here. Let's hope the yearbook doesn't turn out a disaster. *shuffles feet and moves on*
From this year onwards, I won't be directly involved with the Girl Guides of CHS anymore, only a senior who visits occasionally to dish out advice(whether it helps is another thing) or just to observe. After going through so much with an organisation that taught you so much, and possibly changed you for the better, it is hard to fully detach yourself from it. I've managed to return for most of the major events- Junior Camp, Night Gathering, and most recently, the Permit Camp (and it was during AS!). Nevertheless,it isn't the same when you're not the one building gadgets under the hot sun all the long, fretting over the goings of your camp, or losing sleep to finish more gadgets and rush logbooks. Haha it doesn't sound as bad as it does, seriously. All these activities are what bring you and your groupmates together.Camping really does bring out the best and worst of you. When I returned for Permit, Ms Margaret even asked me to help her be the tester by checking on their campsite. Sigh. Glad to still be part of all this. Looking forward for more events in the future.
I guess, as a result of not fully being part of the girl guides anymore, I joined Raleigh. It was actually something I knew of for quite a long time. I read articles on it in the paper years ago, about how they traveled rural areas to help the communities there. So, I finally got the chance to join one of their Introduction Weekends(IW) March this year. I think,besides the activities they do, one of the factors that make you stick to Raleigh would be their people. Never have seen such dedicated and passionate youths. These are really people with hopes of bringing change for our community. They come from all walks of life, but have all gathered under Raleigh( and for some, other youth organisation of their own) to channel their beliefs and knowledge to future eager young participants. Unfortunately, I couldn't be as active as I would like to be. Due to other events clashing or exams looming, I missed out on most of the Monthly Meets and couldn't be a facilitator for the other two IWs held after mine. Hopefully, next year allows me more time to be involved with more simpler pleasures such as this.
Now for some more possibly life-changing events. One was how I had gotten a scholarship from JPA, which entails a chosen Pre-U course and then a degree course in medicine in IMU. Let me digress a bit here, I recently finish that Steve Jobs' Biography by Walter Isaacson. One thing I can relate with Steve is how he has this urge to control every aspect of his company. For me, I would say it's more of an urge to want to have control of my choices in life,to have everything pre-planned in my head and to be played out like how I wanted it. Sure for more trivial matters, like whether I should go out tomorrow or when I do my work, I leave to chance. But for those major ones, I would like to have the decision made in advance. So, I had already set in mind that I wanted to apply to UCAS and to at least, get an offer from a UK uni, probably the moment I decided on A-Levels. So, when the scholarship offer arrived, I knew I would not relent so easily. In the end, a compromise was worked out( Eternal Gratitude to my mum for all her effort in making this work) and I'm still in Taylor's,the scholarship is sort of suspended until I go to IMU and I'm nervously awaiting the results of my university applications. Would things have been different if I has gone to INTEC(which was the Pre-U institution I got offered), who knows, but I don't regret not leaving TCSJ and even if I am to take a Gap Year, it would be way more beneficial than studying A-Levels again for two years.
Now this is the most shattering event of the year, which was my grandmother's passing in June. She was with me us our whole lives as she stayed nearby and come over every day and after she got very ill, stayed at our home. I really did wish there was more of her time here to be with us, to see me and brothers grow up but it would only be selfish upon that. We could see that she was already in a lot of suffering during those final months and at least now, she is finally at ease.
That's all of the more significant events of 2011. I would say this is more of a record than it is a reflection. I don't know what next year has in store for me, but I'm sure it will be one full of stress(A2!) and maybe heartbreak(Uni apps!)
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