Challenge
18th June 2009
Jacob refused to eat again. It’s been the third time this month. Yet, he shows no sign of appetite and pushes the dish towards me. I even tried cooking his favourite dish—steamed fish curry with vegetables. Or at least, I thought it was his favourite. He barely touched the food. After much cajoling and persuading, the only result I got was screaming and a smashed plate of curry on the floor. Jacob escaped to the confines of his room and locked the door. I tried knocking, shouting, begging but he still wouldn’t come out. I sat outside his door that night and cried. This was not the first time.
Why can’t I ever understand what goes on in his head? He never says anything to me. He never speaks. He hardly smiles. It’s as if he exists in a world of his own. Maybe he does.
Why did this happen to my son?
20th June 2009
I took Jacob to the doctor’s today.
I don’t see the point sometimes though. Jacob comes out of the office just as quiet as before and maybe even more distant. False hope is a powerful driving force I guess.
I wonder if Jacob gets scared of going to the doctor’s. Or has the routine of it all numbed him? Every time he visits, he has to go through the usual ritual: the registration. Check ups, the doctor’s questions and those mundane physical exercises. Jacob enters the office alone, he starts wailing every time I go in with him. As much as it hurts, I let him go on his own now. He is still after all, a thirteen year old boy.
At least, during these moments of solitude, I have some time to think about myself for once. No wondering about where Jacob will run off to, no worrying about what he’ll do to himself, no frantic visions of his murky future, none of these, for half an hour. Instead, I start to drift back to the past. The still atmosphere, the soothing silence, the anticipating looks on the patients, the smell of medicine and steriles around the air, all remind me of the day Jacob was born. The hospital was exactly the same that day and as I stared at the new young life sleeping in my arms, I swore to myself I would always make him happy.
The doctor was showing Jacob out now and as our eyes meet, he gave me a reassuring smile. Jacob returned back to the seat next to me with a sullen look on his face.
If only I could.
30th June 2009
Another tantrum was thrown in the shopping mall today. Jacob had been roaming the toy shop while I handled the groceries. I know those toys fascinate him, especially puzzles. Jacob likes puzzles, he adores numbers. Every time he hears calculations, he finds the answer almost immediately. That was also the only time Jacob ever spoke.
I arrived back at the toy store to find Jacob transfixed with a Rubik’s cube. His hands move swiftly in tune with the clicking of the cube’s mechanics. Jacob solves it, mixes the colours up again then solves it once more. This goes on as I watch him from the door. Jacob may not get tired of it but he has to go home.
Tentatively, I headed over to Jacob and slowly laid my hands on the cube.
“Jacob, we have to go home now.”
The grip stayed firm.
“Why not I buy this for you, so you can play with it at HOME?”
Still not a budge. He clearly wanted to stay here.
“Please, Jacob, please!! We have to go home!”
The last thing I saw was shattered glass flying everywhere as the Rubik’s cube came in contact with the display cabinet. Jacob ran out of the shop. After a hasty apology to the shop attendant, I resisted the flow of tears as I hurried to catch up to Jacob.
I found Jacob staring at the fountain. I initially wanted to reprimand him, no matter how futile it was. However, as I turned him around, I saw more than tears from those cold eyes. I saw emotion. I saw apology. I couldn’t make myself do it, I stooped down and hugged him instead.
“It’s ok, Jacob. It’s ok. Let’s go home now.”
4th July 2009
We went to visit Jacob’s father today. My gaze wanders around the cemetery as Jacob stares at the tombstone in front of him.
Jacob used to be so happy when his father was still alive. He used to be normal. Some say Jacob’s life ended with his father’s. I look at Jacob. He had one hand on David’s tombstone now. Jacob was always closer to David. Was Jacob trying to make a connection with the tombstone? What was Jacob thinking when he saw his father’s pictures but never in person? Did Jacob show any emotion while I was away? Did he grieve over his dead father in my absence?
I may never know.
12th July 2009
A lot of people always asked how I survived as a single mother raising an autistic child. It was a challenge not many could handle, more of a burden you could say. But Jacob is my son, I would never leave him, no matter what. He is special as he is and I love him for that.
We visited David again today. The weather seemed brighter and sunnier today, not one to be visiting a cemetery, but you never know. Jacob went to stare at David’s tomb again, absorbed in his own thoughts. I stare warily.
Just then, I saw Jacob get up and walk away. Quickly, I ran up to him, only to find him approaching a handsome
I have always believed in angels and how we should continue hoping. I believe David sent an angel down to us as his replacement, as he watched over us from above.
From that day on, David the
And Jacob’s smile couldn’t have been a bigger blessing.
* Inspiration from a Yasmin Ahmad production^^.
No comments:
Post a Comment