When will the world start being honest with me?

My insolence annoys even me.

Not only that. Looking back, I am still the same stubborn, obnoxious, defiant introvert I was a year ago.

I cannot live up to my own thoughts and opinions.

I swore to do some Add Math every day during the PMR break. That didn't go well. I procrastinate everything, resulting in rushing, ending with nothing. I have my own opinions on the way things should have gone or should be. But I never do anything about it, not because I can't but because I won't. I would give myself reason after reason, demoralising my own self-worth. I am only talk but no action. Wait, no, I don't even talk. I think. Most ideas start off with short-lived enthusiasm and die out with a fizzle.

I've brought myself up against a task that's a few levels above me.

I wonder. Are there the snickers behind my backs? Are there the disapproving stares coming at my way? Is there the disbelief in my capability. There should be when I myself sometimes regard myself as not worthy. But that on the otherhand will cause the backfire effect urging me to prove myself more.

I am arrogant, obnoxious, insolent, whatever.

I would doubt the ability of others, roll my eyes at their incompetence. Yet, I myself am not any better, or maybe lesser than them. I believe respect is only given where respect is due. True there are only some I've held in my highest regards. I take seniority or authority as an excuse for people to demand respect. I judge on capability and personality.

I am so naive

I suspect a lot of people around me. Unless they have truly gained my trust. Their motives, I predict. Their actions, speech, I analyse. I just treat people honestly by how I feel about them. I don't want to wear a mask, it's so tiring. I don't want to waste time on friendships that won't last. I want people to approach me, but I don't make the first move. As I see the silhoulettes leaving, I ask whether people are just socialising but never truly befriending. I don't know how the world works, I do not want to. I would want to be an individual, standing on my own in any situation but I seem more like a helpless failure, a social outcast.

I've betrayed.

I put false hope on things I will never get.

The dream, will always stay a dream. My imagination keeps me in this rewinding scene, where I achieve what I want. It helps me stay sane. I still foster blind hopes but in truth, I know it is futile. I see a someone, going away and I don't know what to say. The more I chase, the more you faster escape. The further I get, you still stay away.

I've made a lot of wrong choices.

I cannot break out from my bubble

I cannot release myself from this psychological cage I've seemed to placed myself in. I fear any wrongdoings I may cause, or worry over any shame. I doubt my capability. I've shadowed myself below that of giants. I don't trust myself. I hesitate with every decision, not trusting myself. I only find solace and real freedom of expression in a few people. And thank god for them =).

I am on this emotional rollercoaster.

In short, yes, I emo frequently and at random moments. Beware.

I do not give myself enough credit? But there is no credit to give.

I fail. So much.