Saturday, August 28, 2010

What's wrong with my blog? o.0

Sunday, August 15, 2010

One Last Lecture- Part 2

Judging from the content of my last post, my early life in Guides seems to be filled with more sorrow than happiness….Maybe so => But well, Form 4 and Form 5 will be a lot more turbulent.(With an equal amount of sadness?) Despite having ‘memorable’ events as well.

(And will try to add stuff I left out from the earlier years here)

At the end of Form 3, somewhere after the school year ended and before that year’s BAKP, there was this ..err incident la, where I guess seniors wanted an answer and people’s spirits had already started waning. So, members of that present Form 3 batch (08) were getting pep talks about the perks of QG and whatnot. Looking back, that seemed pretty much like an omen, a sign of what was to be this present. How by herding us all together to strive for this one goal, it would provide much more assurance to those fighting alone before. And if one were to ever fall, they could be more relieved knowing others would still continue. But, it didn’t actually turn out that way. It was never a ‘herd’ to begin with anyway. Moo~ XO Of course for me, it happened in MSN again, MSN played quite a role in my Form 3 social life o.0 What made me say Yes, I don’t know. And even if I did, only my heart knows why. Oh! I remember all the different responses I got. Lyn’s nonchalance, Le Yi and Pei Jia’s support ( actually I don’t quite remember how they reacted, but it should be on the lines of this la). And Wen’s “Are You Crazy?!” Of course, I guess among the shadows, there was also doubt, scepticism and prejudice. But anyway, look where I am now... Not any better from last time Haha.

Is that it for Form 3? Memory block==

Form 4 Guiding Life started off….Well I don’t remember how it started off.=. = For one thing, I was getting involved in more things. But so were most of the Form 4s la. And at some projects I kept getting Treasurer post, which aroused the suspicion already that I would receive it. And ….well, you know how it turned out.

At the beginning of the year, the main focus on Guiding that time was the Permit Camp. I remember the preparations for it. *shudders* =/ Way back at Form 3 year end was Camper’s Test. That I really sat for this time==. o.0 Actually not much memory on this, just many days of coming to practice tent pitching, then gadget tying and cooking. Then a camera was lost so we had to redo the whole thing==.

Anyway, back to Permit Camp. Sigh. Just reminiscing about that experiences brings up pangs of guilt and shame. =( I did badly, I admit. And I probably just made someone’s life difficult for them ><. Thinking back, I don’t even know why I would make myself so hostile then. And I’m really sorry if my actions had , consequently, affected your decision later on. And I’m so thankful for the HOPE gang. =) We made fools of ourselves but it was worth it. Now everyone present at AGM knows about the climbing-over-canteen-table incident *erhem* =S And how I remember the rain that day. And raining around school barefooted. Memorable X). And Jia, Drama FTW!

Life in Form 4 continued with QG paperwork-catching up ><. And I remember the then Form 4 batch was waging in constant battle against the Form 5s. And actually, sometimes, I don’t get it =. = Maybe it was because I wasn’t a COH then, so I wouldn’t know a lot. But then, Lyn’s feelings towards them are pretty much neutral too. Hmm. I remember a certain blog and certain incidents. And also a certain “stain” left forever on the lodge. On the matter of how the Form 5 were strict towards us, I don’t think they were particularly wound-up or anything.I remember Jie Min and …Jia Xin (? Or another senior) playing on the bouncing castle during the Carnival Bazaar, with Jie Min looking especially tired then. >< Hmm, ok, I wouldn’t call it being strict, more like being distant. Cause not much interaction was done between them and the other forms.

And then the in-between events like the COH Training Camp. Nothing much to say about that, except that it was a breathe of fresh air. =) Then NG. >< This isn’t what I did, but more on what I said. What I did = Practically nothing useful. And what I said= Were daggers aimed at point blanc range to the vitals. I managed to get Tristan to come. But well, Tristan being Tristan, wasn’t actually all praises. Ouch, worse still, he blogged about it. ><Even worse, my birthday was on the next day and I made the stupidest decision by ditching Wen and Seng Yew to go spend it with Guides. *Face Pam* After how many times of disappointment, I still never learnt the lesson of never going out with these people. =. =” Ish.

As August approached, so did the AGM. And I dunno why I started having ambitious yet unrealistic goals. As blog posts have proved. No Lyn, you never gave me false hope, just strength =). And also for Jmin’s er..consolation and “explanation”. I don’t think you read my blog anymore but ah well. No matter what, I think my interview went quite well, though you must credit there was only two people there. This was all thanks to the two Li (s) and the JIa in my class X D. They coached me so much on the interview and how they accompanied me down before the teacher came to see the results. And how they comforted me when they saw the (I suppose) disappointed look on my face =). Awesome people my friends are ^^.

The week before AGM was all on the very cacat-ed campaign souvenir thing I did. =. = And I wrote little messages for the Form 4s. I forgot what I said though lol X D. Well, that year’s was a bit more sentimental since those were the seniors we spent the longest time with. Some even came in the same year as us ><. And then it was like the moment of finality, it was really our turn to take over.

Soon after, it was back to focusing on QG paperwork. Things weren’t going too well. The passion could only grow dimmer. People were painstaking trying to move on by putting on a show of nonchalance. But of course, letting go was the better option. No regrets right? =']Believe me, that journey was the end result of many regrets and lost chances.

For Form 5, or more specifically, my term as part of the COH, was.. … torture. Not physically but mentally. It was an inner conflict between what’s best for me and what’s best for the orgnisation. I would like to believe I’m a person of principles. And my principle says that instead of being a little lap dog trying to squeeze its way into the crowd it will never belong to, I might as well be my own individual. Aren’t we supposed to be individuals of our own anyway? So the outcome was many moments of solitude and deep thought.

Back to some events first. AS the new batch of COH stepped on, we were filled with a new passion to change Guides for the better. At least, some were. The Patrol Leader Course organised at the end of the year was a milestone for what might have been greater things to come. And to think, we could do all that in a week. =. = Then, it was BAKP. Again, thanks to the members of the original HOPE gang who though said they would never camp again, returned, whether for personal reasons or to assist me =). And quite a pity we never did our drama. Me, Le Yi and Jia were discussing so animatedly on the bus ==.

Besides COH duties (or the lack of for me =/), was all the QG work lo. I had to do my khidmat and sometimes I really feel like smacking myself in the face for ever going along to agree to do that. But well, it wasn’t for nothing la. I got to meet all those interesting guiders =). Hah, I spent a lot of time worrying about our progress, even though I usually was slacking all the time. What to do, I think I work better under stress ==. My classmates must think I’m crazy when they see me bring those folios in every day last time. All in all, everything soon came to an end for that. And just at the time when I was so close to it, I felt an epiphany, of loss. I had probably wasted so much on that. This, what could this do? After how I had made this resolution to do something for the organisation, I failed. I know blaming the award for that, is just shoving responsibility, but…I could only focus on so much. I ended a term with nothing to give or show for =(. I’m so sorry young ones, your senior failed you. Hue Ching, Germaine, Sabrina…== were probably wondering what was wrong with me then…

I felt very torn apart. I was probably like the opposition party resisting the grasps of the government. Was this just a difference in mentality? I could never get them and I will never try to. Some things they do, I never agreed with. Just because I said I would support you, doesn’t mean I have to agree with you? i spent a long term, sighing and face palming at the incredulity of some things. Don’t get me wrong, some things were a pleasant improvement. Well, others. … To put it simply, I never favoured my batch, not the cliques anyway.

And this brings us to the AGM, I was really lost in messed-up thought that day. I had so many scramble thoughts but nothing to pinpoint on. Then, I thought this doesn’t have to be a sad occasion, not at all. For why are AGMs held, it’s because we need change, to let new better, brighter individuals to take the lead. And that’s why I saw in you Form 4s. I meant it when I said you made me proud. From the little bunch of simple, naive, and actually hopeless (paiseh) little kids we knew when you guys were in F1/2, you guys have grown to be individuals of your own calibre. And I seriously hope you guys will bring the organisation back to glory, I know you can do better than us. =) And just to say:

Form 4s:

1)I know you guys are a team. But remember never to leave out the rest. Work together ok, leave no one behind. Make the first step. Have Initiative.

2)Don’t be afraid to spit out your opinions. I’m sure this would probably be no problem for you guys. But just a reminder, respect each and every member of your Court. No matter what post one has, there is no such thing as a bad idea. Everyone has a say.

3)No more conflicts I hope.I remember some incidents last year. But like I said, respect everyone. Everyone has their own skills, everyone can make a difference.

4)You may think, you are in this situation because you chose not to move on. But that isn’t true ok. So don’t ever think it is so. And don’t even think it’s because you are inferior. Everyone has their own specialty and we just want everyone to find one they are comfortable with. I hope you do to with yours. =)

5)Don’t leave this place with a heavy heart of regret. Do what you can and what you will for this place.

6)If you are still pondering about whether to move on, don’t let the voices of others influence you. You will only be doing this for yourself. So it all comes down to you. No one will judge you for letting go. I, honestly, have missed out on some things which I will never regain because of that and have regretted heavily. So I hope you never feel the same.

Girl Guides has given me many fond memories. I remember all the camp fires I attended. There was the my first one in Form 1. Almost Perfect by the CHS Scouts It was only me, Le Yi, Jia, Lyn and Hooi Zhong there. I remember See Mun praising us for bringing flashlights. The Guides cheering for Yin Wen as she went up to get her souvenir. There was our campfire the next year, where we experienced for the first time as the organising body. The scouts 50th anniversary campfire where it rained ><. The poor guys got complained a lot. Our campfire again the following year, with the phoenix slowly making its way to the top. The theme name I never liked.== The lack of an audience due to the H1N1 epidemic. Then, there was the Chan Wa campfire this year. The first time out of school, out of state even. Then getting high just a few days before a certain major event. Trying to stay up, and looking up at the sky while lying on benches.

I remember trying to follow the steps as we dance to a Jolin song in junior camp and winning Best Performance X D.How me and Lyn “innocently” dumped our noodles onto the field. How we found shelter in the “lorong” while our seniors went to attend to the tents. How I got ask to camp but couldn’t attend because of family affairs><

I remember the disappointed and aggravated look on a senior’s face when I made a impossible request or screwed up. How I was so down because no one “wanted' me. How we cooked near the drain for the jurumasak test and how the few of us would always joke and have fun during a test in the early days.

I remember how in Form 3, you startled me by actually trying to have a conversation with me and later for commenting her to give encouragement. How me, Lyn and HC spent late nights talking crap. How we tried to settle the pekhemah thing online and everyone’s concern. I remember all the human chains we had to do and coming back to school to prepare for the carnival. I remember how a few people looked on while their seniors worked under the hot sun.

In Form 4, we practiced drama at the lorong again. Lyn saying I looked awful and Shu Ling trying to make me eat. How I had to work as I the game progressed. How we tried to cheat when no one was looking. How my HOPE gang very comically treaded over the canteen tables. I remember the look on Juosie and Hong JIn’s face when we found Juosie’s glasses after a long search. How everyone on the ground looked while dangling from the cord. I remember trying to capture the stars with Hue Ching at school while the juniors made “tang yuan”. How I waited for wishes on that day but was disappointed.How we tried to transfer grass from one end of the field to another. The school looks so serene at night, how cold the classrooms were when we got up every early morning. I remember the stories of otherworldly incidents in camps. I remember frantically finding people to go to camp with us. More fooling around in BAKP. I remember two of us nodding off while meeting was in prgoress and Jmin passing the note. How we went to the hot springs and rode n times on the slide.==

I remember rushing for guide folios. Having talks with juniors on certain things. Sleeping and waking up at certain hours to do work. How we marched in the night. How we celebrated after. How we spent our times in the lodge. How we surprised teacher for her birthday. How we stayed back long hours for meetings. How when I always looked, I always saw two sides. How I kept quiet every time. I remember tentatively making phone calls. I remember all the trips to the HQ and back. I remember we got lost for who knows how many HOURS trying to find Taman Megah ==. How I snuck to the Lake Gardens and back. How we dutied every event. I remember promises, and never seeing them fulfilled. I remember seeing them worked so hard to see us off smoothly that day. And whatever I still remember, it will still be here with me.

So, I finally made myself finish this post. Finishing this brings a sense of finality to all this. I guess it should come to an end now. I’ve watched this organisation since Form 1 till now. I think, it’s time to move on and let the young ones worry about it too. The withdrawal syndrome has to cease. Putting off this blog post, constant lodge visits, pestering juniors…You guys are grown up liao,you don't need us anymore Haha. Time to let you all lead le

I really love Guides. Yes I said it, I do ><. And I will miss CHS Guides. But as they say, to love is to let go. So, I guess, this is Au Revoir.


Zhi Min,

Will no longer be OFFICIALLY affiliated with CHS Guides.

Good Bye.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Boiling Point

I'm sorry for the lack of updates as I didn't want to cut off my "One Last Lecture" post by having others in between the two parts. BUT Ugh, I get so pissed sometimes with some people in class. And this has been a consistent feeling these days. =( My limit is just so much. Don't you think the quiets are normally the scariest? And you haven't seen me when I'm angry.

You say things you don't mean when you get emotional. But I think it's either the heat hasn't cooled off or I'm stable but still unhappy. Screw them.