You could say that I am sort of an amphibian. As how they are able to survive both on land and underwater, I find that I am still at least able to sustain myself by learning both the arts and the sciences. However, frogs too are able to drown and now, amidst my finals, I find that I am too, possibly suffocating under these Science-based subjects. Maybe that's why I am under-performing, the purely science and math syllabus has gradually lost its appeal, and I was soon enough forced into repetition. Yes, I have come to find that I detest routine, I tire of things easily (at least in that of a career, there is reassurance of doing the same simple daily actions). So, Medicine seemed a good choice, new cases and people everyday, also a fine balance of humanity and technology. Yet, I sometimes doubt my decision. It's not only because I may be bored of it soon or that I'm not suited to it. Unlike other careers, you deal with life in Medicine. I wonder how my peers are so confidently assured that this is their career pathway, have they ever stumbled on doubts such as mine? Can they be so sure they won't be pummeled by the pressure of the workload? Are they able to stay strong and calm when all around them is dejection and gloom? Can you tell a patient with a straight face the chances they have or to not be eaten away yourself by the sorrow? To live such an altruistic lifestyle, that a phone call from the hospital puts off any social arrangements immediately? I know, the situations may not be as bad as I said or one may choose to not be as dedicated. But what if you really had to give all that, and you couldn't, or wouldn't?
I wish I could be like Michael Crichton, medical doctor yet also accomplished author(Jurassic Park among his works). I guess I really do enjoying learning new thing (tires of old knowledge easily too). If only I really could do a medical and art degree together.
Quite a while back, I read a post from Louise's blog.( I would share the specific post link but there doesn't seem to be one for it, only the blog in general ), where she wrote on privilege. Yes, I too am privileged. You, reading this too, as well. I am grateful that I've always been given these opportunities, that I had a chance to test myself, to even still be as indecisive as I currently am now. Some do not have the right to make such (in)decisions, having being thrust a particular way of life they have to conform to. I still have the right to choose, to realise what truly is right for me, to be wrong, to try and to learn. I am truly grateful to my parents, for almost always giving me these chances to take that leap of faith, to venture into waters untested. There will be even more chances to really pit myself against the world later on, but whatever the decision I make, something will come out of it.
Another thing I thought about was Passion. I am also truly blessed to have known many passionate people throughout my short lifetime, especially from CHS. By passionate, I mean they really had a cause or a talent that they were fully devoted to. You would expect these people to want to fully develop their potentials by gunning for the best possible institutions. Yet, that seems far from it. I know of a friend, who is currently pursuing Law locally(for now, twinning later on). From his tweets, his actions, his affiliations, you could really tell that he is REALLY into it, the political situation of our country, our rights, they really are of true concern to him. On the other hand, another friend has been accepted into one of the world's most prestigious to read Law, yet she has never displayed( at least not as openly, or as strongly) her passion as compared to my earlier mentioned friend. It does make me wonder, do we apply to these top institutions, because we need the reassurance of a highly-creditable certification to succeed in that field later on? Those who are truly passionate, confident enough with their talents that they would settle for a sufficiently creditable institution locally, knowing that it is their skill that will take them far? I have friends who work wonders with a brush(or other drawing materials) and a friend who has been contributing to one of the Star's pullout since high school, all having their big dreams but slowly attaining them here at home. I know, that this isn't generally true. Passionate people do get in to top institutions and there are other factors as to why you stay or go overseas. But this is an observation and it does make me wonder, am I myself not content, unsure of my skill, painstaking ambitious or do I really just seek the exposure?