Dong Dong Qiang

Slept at about 3a.m on Sunday night and woke up at about 8.40 the next morning. So you could imagine the groggy state of mind I was in. Already on Twitter and Facebook, I could see classmates rejoicing....and lamenting.

My results are alright. But I'm still boggled, and worried about the percentiles. A lot of effort is now required for A2.

And that was how the morning of Chinese New Year 2012 began.

Blackout

Back in high school when I was taking Lit for SPM, one of the poems we learnt was "A quarrel between day and night". Though it may not be as eloquent as the others( I prefer those that rhyme!), I think one part stuck with us.

“that is why I fear the night

always bringing dream thoughts

making one hungry in the chest

the next morning”

What is it about the night that seems to make it associated with more morbid matters. I tend to drift into my emotional state at night, resulting in most of my poems being written then. Coincidentally, all these poems were on a rather melancholic tone.

It must be during the quiet of the night, when you are alone in your room, facing the computer screen, that inspiration comes to you. In the silence, you let the thoughts that would never venture beyond your subconscious in the day penetrate to your line of thought.  The problems you flung to the back of your head resurface, you doubt the decisions you’ve made, you worry about the next day. Dream thoughts aren’t only nightmares, they occur in reality too. In times of great emotional stress, you let all those extreme feelings settle in the night and they subdue you. You wonder about the point of all this, you ask yourself why did you ever go this far? You feel like giving it all up and you try to escape to the temporary fortress of your dreams, to wake up with a yearning feeling.

I remember how serious conversations occur at night. I use to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, plainly chatting with a few friends. Our topics ranged from trivial daily happenings to those of our organisation’s grave political standing. Two of us were both passionate( I believe we still are now) and long nights used to be spent discussing about the organisations future,  how things have deteriorated dearly compared to the past, how we sought to revive it to it’s former glory and abilities. Certain bonds seem to be fostered from spilling your inner thoughts to like minds late at night, where you find some solace in the other soul reading your words another computer away.

I welcome the night, it brings forth what you would not dare face in the day. It means that daylight is not far away.

A thought

A long while back, around Form 2 or Form 3, a friend of mine told me that I was the type who relied more on my ability than luck to achieve success. He was actually referring specifically to how I could never score as well in those Paper 1 MCQ questions compared to the Subjective ones. But, I guess it goes beyond the four choices of A,B,C,D,( damn, now I think of AS Physics Paper 1) to how I have to choose between 31 colleges.

Ian and Jie Min always said they were lucky, after the interview, it really is down to luck. Ish.

And I seem to be going to the Five Stages of Grief.I guess I'm pass the denial phase, still pretty much angry, skipped passed bargaining to depression and probably will never come to terms with it.

Strikeout

Please don't worry. Am in stable condition. I just need to put my thoughts down in this self-depreciating/rant and very disorganised post.

You know despite how Trinity is, it is still your fault. You're not good enough. Why were you so complacent? Maybe if you had studied more and practiced more, you would have done better for BMAT. Maybe if you had stopped slacking so much and read up more, the interview would have gone much smoother. Why did you have to hesitate? The answers were in your head, yet uncertainty overruled your courage and you backed out. He probably thought you were inept, resorting to prompt and give you hints instead.

You were greedy too. You foolishly thought you stood a chance for a scholarship as lucrative yet as elusive as Jardine. You applied to Trinity, because of its reputation and standing, also as it is one of Jardine's chosen colleges. In the end, you got nothing. You already had an inkling it would end like this. You doubted whether Trinity was a wise choice, but for the scholarship, you went with it. Now,maybe someone of lower qualifications has gotten an offer because they went for a lesser college. Yet, knowing you, if you didn't try aiming for the best, your hunger would never be satisfied too. That's just how selfish you are.

Now, you would never be among those in CUMAS, never be able to experience collegiate uni life or to partake in their activities.Cambridge does have that appeal after all, besides the reputation, there's the beautiful landscapes and the quaint university town. You sought for that, and it was not yours to be.

You're a fool. You are cocky. You are never satisfied.

Now you look at people celebrating their offers on thestudentroom, each new offer a small blow, with those of medicine particularly harder. You know that you're only feeling alright now because you have yet to receive news of successful candidates from your college for medicine. You will be happy for your friends who succeed, but inside it will still hurt. You will both congratulate them and envy them. And your heart will die a little more inside.

You have failed all who believed in you. Wasted the effort of those who helped you on your path. Forced to break sad news to those who were along with you on this journey, telling them of your abrupt end. You weren't worth it, worth their support and advice. You try to sound as nonchalant as possible, maybe you really were alright with it then. It takes time for the realization to set in.

Well, now you reside in false hope, a state of self-denial. You still hope for a miracle even when it's alright set. It's alright, this is how you have always dealt with rejection. You'll come to your senses. This is a big blow, it may take longer. And you may never fully recover from it. But you'll move on soon. You hope this may be for the better, yes you do hope that, but you know you've let a big chance in life slip away.

Losing the Gamble

I already knew deep down that an offer was too much to ask. I was desperately hoping to at least be pooled. Though my imagination still wondered off to scenes of celebrations and walks around the campus. But still, too much to hope for.

With Gmail being how it is, I already saw the beginning of the email before I clicked it.

"I regret to inform you that,....."

And I could say that my heart did sink. (CHS joke here)

Just to make sure, I read it again. To make matters worst, I won't even be considered for pooling, which would have at least gave me a second lifeline.

Fortunately, I took it better than I had expected. Guess maybe the realization hasn't really hit yet. Proceeded then to tell my friends who I've shared my Cambridge applying experience with, breaking the news to them. Am grateful for their advice and consideration, telling me to not dwell on the matter, to not think it's because I'm the one unworthy, to say that it wasn't worth all that stress anyway, one friend even said he expected me to get in. Haha. After a talk with a senior who's there now, I guess I just made some wrong choices. I gambled on a college I knew was competitive because I wanted to risk a scholarship. Instead of taking the more strategic route of applying to a college with a higher admissions rate, I foolishly(or as my senior says, confidently) risked it on Trinity( which is usually the highest-performing college of Cambridge).

So, if anyone were to blame, it would be me. For not doing as well as I could have and for being so foolish.

Maybe it was just not meant to be.