Strikeout

Please don't worry. Am in stable condition. I just need to put my thoughts down in this self-depreciating/rant and very disorganised post.

You know despite how Trinity is, it is still your fault. You're not good enough. Why were you so complacent? Maybe if you had studied more and practiced more, you would have done better for BMAT. Maybe if you had stopped slacking so much and read up more, the interview would have gone much smoother. Why did you have to hesitate? The answers were in your head, yet uncertainty overruled your courage and you backed out. He probably thought you were inept, resorting to prompt and give you hints instead.

You were greedy too. You foolishly thought you stood a chance for a scholarship as lucrative yet as elusive as Jardine. You applied to Trinity, because of its reputation and standing, also as it is one of Jardine's chosen colleges. In the end, you got nothing. You already had an inkling it would end like this. You doubted whether Trinity was a wise choice, but for the scholarship, you went with it. Now,maybe someone of lower qualifications has gotten an offer because they went for a lesser college. Yet, knowing you, if you didn't try aiming for the best, your hunger would never be satisfied too. That's just how selfish you are.

Now, you would never be among those in CUMAS, never be able to experience collegiate uni life or to partake in their activities.Cambridge does have that appeal after all, besides the reputation, there's the beautiful landscapes and the quaint university town. You sought for that, and it was not yours to be.

You're a fool. You are cocky. You are never satisfied.

Now you look at people celebrating their offers on thestudentroom, each new offer a small blow, with those of medicine particularly harder. You know that you're only feeling alright now because you have yet to receive news of successful candidates from your college for medicine. You will be happy for your friends who succeed, but inside it will still hurt. You will both congratulate them and envy them. And your heart will die a little more inside.

You have failed all who believed in you. Wasted the effort of those who helped you on your path. Forced to break sad news to those who were along with you on this journey, telling them of your abrupt end. You weren't worth it, worth their support and advice. You try to sound as nonchalant as possible, maybe you really were alright with it then. It takes time for the realization to set in.

Well, now you reside in false hope, a state of self-denial. You still hope for a miracle even when it's alright set. It's alright, this is how you have always dealt with rejection. You'll come to your senses. This is a big blow, it may take longer. And you may never fully recover from it. But you'll move on soon. You hope this may be for the better, yes you do hope that, but you know you've let a big chance in life slip away.