Turning my back away

Why is it that you don't choose someone just because they don't let themselves shine so often. You know, you might just lose some hidden talent because of this. That's why you should approach people individually sometimes and observe(?) them more. Ish!

Oh God. What I've been dreading the most came true. >< Why Why Why? And no, this is not about myself. Sighs, there better be good reason behind this decision. This concerns the future of the whole......board.

And about myself, I have no idea ==" what to think.

Now I know why you said that, Wen. Fui...

Injustice.

What's left unsaid...

I am confused. Really doubtful and still worrying.

What was it I wanted again?

I know the main priority is always the good of the place. It always will be.

If so, then is my decision correct? Am I really suited for this position? Do I fit the criteria? Am I ready? Aren't there people better than me?Yes, my stand has been wavering long since. But I still aimed for the moon, I still let that arrow fly..

I guess I should feel now what it's like when no one around you is giving their support. When the whole world shuns you, when they ignore you, what should you do? I mean, no one believes in me. So should I believe in myself?

Believing in myself would just make me seem like I'm overestimating myself, believing in the worse just shows how pessimistic I am. Then should I just stop believing?

All the odds really are against me in this battle, yet I still go on. I may be fighting a losing battle but I shouldwill persist.

Why am I doing this?

A quote I found on Louise's blog=D:

Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?'

Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?'

Vanity asks the question, 'Is it popular?'

But, conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?'

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but one must take it because one's conscience tells one that it is right.”

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Because I care.

Still, I will expect the worse.

Another thing, I can't wear a mask at all. I never will be able to win this game called "Life" if I just continue being this naive. But well, I don't want to join this masquerade. I still believe in sincerity.

* I should have more things to say, cannot think of this at the moment.

It's still confidential

I am..left in doubt.

I don't know what to think now.

Aikz...

But what's most important is the good of the place.Period. No matter what.

That is what I think, right?

I feel like skipping August ><.


* AEOM was really...mesmerizing? =D Music is so soothing.

I didn't get interviewed yet!

So I have to be worried for another day.

But then, I'll probably be worried all the way to AGM anyway==.

Soar to Greater Heights

Well, this is it.

The interview's tomorrow(and Saturday).

And, I feel. extremely. worried.

I had all those dreams, fantasies about what it would be like if I took over. But, that's all they are, fantasies. Reality had to smack me in the face and remind how out of the league I was. ><
Is it hopeless?

You would probably be upset over me being fui ba?AS you always did reprimand me about my low self esteem.

Actually this post is about You. Curious? ;)

What you say always did had an influence on me, ever since you left that comment in April last year. I'm sorry I never saw it earlier but only after the event happened == but it helped. Really.I felt so moved and surprised lol to find out that someone actually cared about my predicament. When I want to revisit the past of last year or just get my morale boosted, I would reread it. I just did. Not too long ago. I remember you said to relish the sense of satisfaction you get after completing a heavy burden, knowing your hardwork paid off. And with that folio(!)
>< I have to face now, that phrase seems like a very good motivator. ^^"

And, after rereading that comment, I felt so disappointed with myself. What you had expected of me last year did not come true.

Show my confidence? I don't think so

Unleash my potential? Uh-uh

Do things without being told? Nope

Conclusion: == Sighs, I have failed. And what happened April THIS year would prove that.

Anyway, I guess some time later after realising it was you who wrote the comment, I held you in high regard.

I mean, I would want to inspire people too. I wished you did have been like that while you were in office (well, there's still some time). Maybe you did touch lives but subtley and individually. I can't say I totally agree with how you did things this year but some things never change I guess. If I ever had the chance, I would do things differently. I just wonder, if you had been like the way you were when giving comments in handling situations, would the outcome be different?

Just hang in there, it's almost over. Not all daggers are pointed at you. But I guess, I may never understand your situation.

Despite your round being full of ups and downs, I still respect you. Cheers to you. *Salutes*

The true intention of this post: Thank You.
Whether it was sympathy, your duty or true consideration that made you do it, thank you. =)

I guess I have to face the music tomorrow. I honestly cannot say I will still continue serving whole-heartedly despite not getting what I want, as I too, am human. Humans have some degree of greed in them always. But I know where my commitment lies and I shall not betray it.

I pray for calm in this stormy weather.

P.S I have no idea whether you'll see it because I do not know how frequently you visit this place. But still, I write.=)

Stop, Look, Laugh out Loud

Overdue post about Bon Odori here.

First off, we shall start off from the morning of last Saturday, which was guide activity lo.

o.O we actually jog RAN 2 times around the school that day. That was.... surprising.

Then, we broke off into patrols to discuss mini gadgets for the competition. There was supposed to be that wetland trip...but due to some circumstances, it got scrapped. So, stay in school. And my adorable twin, who probably hadn't gotten over the euphoria of becoming LKT president (nah, actually they couldn't contact her), came to school for only one frigging hour==to attend the NG post-mortem then left her 2 form 1 members to fend for themselves=.=".

Me and Marissa, who got placed in that patrol discussed about the mini-gadgets and what to do for the outdoor cooking. With spare time to kill, I taught Gurpreet and Bo Fang(though I have a feeling my effors will have been fruitless X/)

Last, marching, which did not turn out so good ==

Now, Bon Odori =D

Skipped tuition and reached school about 4.45. Saw Yong JIa and talked with her a while. Then, there was the dilemma about whether to wear school shirts or casual.

After a very long wait, we departed.

Let's jsut summarize the things I want to say:
1)the organizes were really punctual! Everything went pretty much according to schedule, though the only events were dance perforamances==

2)you will spend a lot there>< I spent Rm 15 on a piece of cloth

The stage

The sushi king conveyer belt

Drum performance

People dancing along with the performers

Dancers with kimonos

Taken among the crowd while doing the dance



Me and Rachael's yo yo balloons==

Unagi,which Rachael commented was slimy==

=D

Guess who? =D

Fast forward to today-(wed)

Received gift from Shan En( I still owe her and Le Yi ><)

Bought books!! Finally found book 4 of the percy jackson series! =D

Ordered a little something at the PBM booth

And the rest~ Forgotten

Said silly things and probably disappointed someone by not handing in a certain massive folio XD

Still awaiting my gifts from 2 people who both told me not to expect too much =="

Also waiting for Redbox IOI to open already!! My birthday re-celebration><

I've got my rock moves and I don't need YOU!!

Wow, my 2 blog posts recently have all been pretty frank.

Just say what you feel right?

But of course, not everything was let out in the open =D

By the way, the last post was the 200th one. XD

And I need to recompose myself. Can't let what happened on the 12th bring me down. Though I want a re-celebration with Wen and Seng Yew. Even Seng Yew was like" Zhi Min's birthday went by like this only ah?"

I will not take blame for the screw-up on Sunday though. I blame YOU.

Picking up the pieces of a broken heart

I guess now I finally why there's this saying:

Failure is in trying to please everyone.

And what a whole helluva failure yesterday turned out to be. =( Fine, next time, it will just the 3 of us. I'm so sorry, Wen. =X

Lessons I have learnt from this experience:
1)Never expect too much. Don't know why I did in the first place as I always was the pessimistic one.
2)Wen is my voice of reason, I should have listened to her when she repeated that question so many times :" Who do you really want to spend your birthday with?"

I was so disappointed with someone yesterday.....and still am.

I keep telling myself not to only think from my perspective and to look wider. So, I should also thank all of you who wished me^^

4S2(FIRST!!^^") -sang birthday song for me on the 6th LOL,long story
Chong Sheng- who I found out wished me through Facebook on the 10th lol
Jing Wen -about 11pm on the 11th, after NG
Shan En -thru sms at 11.21 cuz she couldn't tahan till 12==
Le Yi-sms at 12.03am
Xin Ying-sms 12.04am
Kairou-at the foyer before she left for home
Jie Min- in class 5P1 at a time I forgot==
Keng Yong- right after Jmin ^^
Pei Jia-at the red bridge in the early morning
Rachael- 8.16am thru sms
Girl Guides-sang Birthday Song,randomly, too bad, my mood was down already then
Pei Jia and Li Lin-sang Canton version and Pei Jia sang 祝我生日快乐==
Vi-Vian- found out after Pei Jia told her lol
Teng Yi-thru sms 10.09 am
Jia Jue-in the lodge while waiting to get to Lake View, ah, that time I was even more pissed==
See Mun, Li Yi, and Jia Yi- outside the lodge before setting off for hi-tea
Pei She-who took the trouble to come over to KampungKu because of my birthday. Thanks Pei! =) Hope you weren't too bored
Ms Margaret- at the buffet line, who didn't know 2 people had birthdays yesterday
My Mum-while picking me up from Lake View
Dad-at home, he had to leave for Brunei yesterday too =(
Wen- wished me at my house. Fedora!^^ <3 it so much
Seng Yew- just before he was about to go home lol. Kitty picture =)
Natalie C- who took the trouble to get my number from Pei to sms me=) 7.27 pm Cest Le'Vie
Ley Kuan- sms the last one to wish me on the day itself^^11.57 pm

Then, there were more facebook wishes:
Mang Ning-1256am
Qian Ying(who I actually don't really know==)-1052am
Tze Ni-2.28pm
Prathiba-5.29pm
Sarah-5.07pm
Kristy Choy-6.16pm
Li Yi again-6.18pm
Foong Ling-6.30pm
Jo Fan-7.02pm
Edward(Tan)-8.25pm
Marissa(Mahfar)-9.06pm
Charmaine-10.03pm
Jia Yi-10.22pm
Ye Shan-1051pm
Xin Ying again-10.58pm

MSN wishes:
Chun Yeen-7.26pm
Nick-7.11pm =)
Wenkai-7.04pm
My Uncle-lol 4.27pm
Yong Jia-4.49pm
Yin Suan-6.15pm
Hong Jie-about 1pm
Xi Zhi -today at night

And wishes through my blog chatbox:
Marissa
Charmain again lol
Kimberley (dunno which Kim though=S) (belated today)

Had belated wishes in class today:
E-Jia, Hui Li and Yu Li who remembered it was on a Sunday but forgot which one -just before recess ;)
Shu Fen-during recess

Hm, that should be about it?

Why was I emo again that day?

Ah, yes, because despite all the wishes, the hitea bla bla, I still felt like I spent it with the wrong people =S Never mind, the Hi-Tea was good, just that morning........

And I still am disappointed with that someone.
Sighs, at least if you get fui with someone you won't expect too much of them anymore.

I guess it was a sorrowful sweet sixteen after all, because I would be mourning..

the death of my Trust that died along with my mood yesterday.

I heart the Fedora =)

Crash down and Burn

My back, joints and muscles are aching all over. Why?

Night Gathering >< (11th July 2009)

Hm, what should I say about it? What can I say about it?

That the whole planning process and decisions were..weird(in my opinion)

Hm, first thing, define successful for me.
If successful is getting it done and over with smoothly, then yeah, I would say it was successful. But if successful is pleasing the crowd and imposing an unforgettable memory...maybe not.

And Tristan is a really harsh critic.== Could it really be that bad that your juniors wouldn't want to go to anymore more campfires?==

Many unforeseen circumstances happened. But suan leh, managed to sail through it all.

By the way, Tristan, I didn't think the dance was badly choreographed. But about not being well practiced.......

I would probably have said harsher things here myself, but who I am to rant about this, no?

So now, let's think of the good things.

Talked to some St John guys who I ushered to school. Met Wymann, who is the current St John YE's MD.

Those crapping sessions with people.

Getting to know juniors better.

...................

Why can't I think of anything already?==

And I'm pretty sure the phoenix on the programme book was plagiarized. It looks so familiar. =S

Hm, overall, I wouldn't say the effort was in vain. But TOO much effort was put in and not as much was gained. ><

Gambar-gambar:

Pei Li and Pei Jia

Take 2

Yen Theng and Le Yi

Building the entrance

The place were me, Lyn and Shu Ling dugged up mud. Looks like a grave lol. (Something wrong with the photo==)


Part of the audience

The little phoenix soaring halfway

Kai Sein, Hong Jin, Juosie, Khai Xing, Lee Heng and Keng Yong performing their dance movement

The band performing

Me and Prasanth from St John's==

Me and Yean Ting

They were dancing== Took this after they cooled down

Singing~

Yi Shiuan of our school's scout troop receiving the souvenir

Dancing Queen!

Cheer 2009 totally exceeded my expectations.

When I first got into the stadium...WOW.

The crowd, the legion of supporters that were willing to give up their weekends to support their home team, that passion, that spirit, was truly moving.

Hearing them scream every chance they could get, cheering their teams on when they performed (even when they don't), was 0.0. (and loud).

Working as a BRAT on the set was awesome. Like all how BRATs activities are.=)

The only downside was,

I had to leave early for TUITION.

And I don't have anything as a souvenir, only photos ><.

I so so so regretted leaving early.

Well, I did till Wen and Seng Yew came ^^. That cheered things up.

Calyx got 3rd. WOOOO!

Will definitely go to Cheer next time, be it as a BRAT or as a Calyx Supporter =).

Reclaiming my self-dignity

Initially wanted to let Ms Leela read this><. but ah well. This is a different story line than the one I wrote for the exam. I thought of a better one on the day I received my essay back ==. Do comment la, my blog doesn't have any comments T_T.

Challenge

18^th June 2009

Jacob refused to eat again. It’s been the third time this month. Yet, he shows no sign of appetite and pushes the dish towards me. I even tried cooking his favourite dish—steamed fish curry with vegetables. Or at least, I thought it was his favourite. He barely touched the food. After much cajoling and persuading, the only result I got was screaming and a smashed plate of curry on the floor. Jacob escaped to the confines of his room and locked the door. I tried knocking, shouting, begging but he still wouldn’t come out. I sat outside his door that night and cried. This was not the first time.

Why can’t I ever understand what goes on in his head? He never says anything to me. He never speaks. He hardly smiles. It’s as if he exists in a world of his own. Maybe he does.

Why did this happen to my son?

20^th June 2009

I took Jacob to the doctor’s today.

I don’t see the point sometimes though. Jacob comes out of the office just as quiet as before and maybe even more distant. False hope is a powerful driving force I guess.

I wonder if Jacob gets scared of going to the doctor’s. Or has the routine of it all numbed him? Every time he visits, he has to go through the usual ritual: the registration. Check ups, the doctor’s questions and those mundane physical exercises. Jacob enters the office alone, he starts wailing every time I go in with him. As much as it hurts, I let him go on his own now. He is still after all, a thirteen year old boy.

At least, during these moments of solitude, I have some time to think about myself for once. No wondering about where Jacob will run off to, no worrying about what he’ll do to himself, no frantic visions of his murky future, none of these, for half an hour. Instead, I start to drift back to the past. The still atmosphere, the soothing silence, the anticipating looks on the patients, the smell of medicine and steriles around the air, all remind me of the day Jacob was born. The hospital was exactly the same that day and as I stared at the new young life sleeping in my arms, I swore to myself I would always make him happy.

The doctor was showing Jacob out now and as our eyes meet, he gave me a reassuring smile. Jacob returned back to the seat next to me with a sullen look on his face.

If only I could.

30^th June 2009

Another tantrum was thrown in the shopping mall today. Jacob had been roaming the toy shop while I handled the groceries. I know those toys fascinate him, especially puzzles. Jacob likes puzzles, he adores numbers. Every time he hears calculations, he finds the answer almost immediately. That was also the only time Jacob ever spoke.

I arrived back at the toy store to find Jacob transfixed with a Rubik’s cube. His hands move swiftly in tune with the clicking of the cube’s mechanics. Jacob solves it, mixes the colours up again then solves it once more. This goes on as I watch him from the door. Jacob may not get tired of it but he has to go home.

Tentatively, I headed over to Jacob and slowly laid my hands on the cube.

“Jacob, we have to go home now.”

The grip stayed firm.

“Why not I buy this for you, so you can play with it at HOME?”

Still not a budge. He clearly wanted to stay here.

“Please, Jacob, please!! We have to go home!”

The last thing I saw was shattered glass flying everywhere as the Rubik’s cube came in contact with the display cabinet. Jacob ran out of the shop. After a hasty apology to the shop attendant, I resisted the flow of tears as I hurried to catch up to Jacob.

I found Jacob staring at the fountain. I initially wanted to reprimand him, no matter how futile it was. However, as I turned him around, I saw more than tears from those cold eyes. I saw emotion. I saw apology. I couldn’t make myself do it, I stooped down and hugged him instead.

“It’s ok, Jacob. It’s ok. Let’s go home now.”

4^th July 2009

We went to visit Jacob’s father today. My gaze wanders around the cemetery as Jacob stares at the tombstone in front of him.

Jacob used to be so happy when his father was still alive. He used to be normal. Some say Jacob’s life ended with his father’s. I look at Jacob. He had one hand on David’s tombstone now. Jacob was always closer to David. Was Jacob trying to make a connection with the tombstone? What was Jacob thinking when he saw his father’s pictures but never in person? Did Jacob show any emotion while I was away? Did he grieve over his dead father in my absence?

I may never know.

12^th July 2009

A lot of people always asked how I survived as a single mother raising an autistic child. It was a challenge not many could handle, more of a burden you could say. But Jacob is my son, I would never leave him, no matter what. He is special as he is and I love him for that.

We visited David again today. The weather seemed brighter and sunnier today, not one to be visiting a cemetery, but you never know. Jacob went to stare at David’s tomb again, absorbed in his own thoughts. I stare warily.

Just then, I saw Jacob get up and walk away. Quickly, I ran up to him, only to find him approaching a handsome Labrador. What was a dog doing here? Jacob kneeled down and laid his palm out towards the Labrador. Unexpectedly, the Labrador laid his paw on Jacob’s palm, yipping happily at his new found friend. I was surprised at the dog’s gesture but what I saw on Jacob’s face shook me more. A smile.

I have always believed in angels and how we should continue hoping. I believe David sent an angel down to us as his replacement, as he watched over us from above.

From that day on, David the Labrador became my son’s guardian angel and hope. He became family.

And Jacob’s smile couldn’t have been a bigger blessing.

* Inspiration from a Yasmin Ahmad production^^.