Smile, though your heart is aching

Damn, I am in trouble now =/

And exam's are coming. Double damn.

Should I risk the weekends....><

Things don't always go the way you want. I guess everything was just going into place too nicely till I forgot how cruel the world could be.

This must be a message. To tell me not to expect the easy way >< And to goddamn punish me for procrastinating.

It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be OK.

T_T I screwed.

It's not you, it's me.

I predict that this will be a very messy and unorganised post. SINCE. I lost all the fired up emotion from just now and my thoughts seem pretty jumbled up to actually focus on a specific post ><

All this conundrum and chaos has gotten to me. The first thing teacher said when she saw me was " Why do you look so sleepy/ like you didn't sleep" Or something on the lines of expressing that I look fatigued =. = Really now, do I look that tired? I don't sleep that late and I still consider myself as slacking off. All this must be affecting my physical outlook as well as the mental one. @.@ Is this contributing to the lashing out, the constant silence and mood swings ? Not that I lash out at everyone, actually I don't really lash out at people at all Haha.

And it seems I have lost myself. Is being on the other side causing this? Why has anticipation been replaced by resentment? What happened to visions to rebuild a crumbling organisation? Innocence was lost so long ago. And now, here I am worrying about such trivial matters. I may not be able to fix this but at the least I can ignore and do what I can. I probably work best alone anyway. Thus, the affinity towards writing maybe? A solo and more personal activity. I need my passion back. I need to start over.

I think something has gone terribly wrong. You may or may not feel the same way but I would believe it's mutual. Something has caused a big ugly dent in this friendship and the cause? Things said, things done, my somewhat rebelling. =S Whatever. But I won't do anything about this. Not until we've been stripped down and returned back to the basics. And I cannot promise. Because I take promises very seriously and the hurt of having one broken to you is...shattering. I'm sorry.

I've been very selfish. Maybe that's why I would not work alongside people, maybe people working for me but not operating under the same purpose. Because it gets so tiring. So aggravating. To have a target you have to catch up with while you limp behind. To worry about their progress. About mine. I was a paranoid person by nature yet laziness prevails at most times. What is this doing to me? Tell me I'm not in this alone.

This has been a very jumbled up post. Not too straightforward, not too vague.

Remember you don't want any regrets from high school.

P.S Defying Gravity~~ X D

Release your wings

I had no urge to blog =( Inspiration has been zero lately.

Chinese New Year went by smoothly. Nice to see all my family members again. Though the rate of visiting per day has dropped subsequently this year haha.

I actually find that I'm taking all this family togetherness we have now for granted. Every time we go to a house, I had shown more interest in the little kids or even the dog than the adults themselves. Visiting is more of a time for the adults to catch up on times than us kids.

It could also be due to the generation between me and my cousins. The youngest one on my mum's direct side is 6 years older than me =. = And I suspect that he hates me. Haha Well, no la, he seems to be hostile on the outside to everyone that came to visit at grandma's o.0.

I feel so alien around all the adults talking, especially during that visit at my house ><

Ah well, maybe I'll come to appreciate it more when it's me next time treating those guess. 0.0 *shudders* No one visits ME =(

And the new year has been spent without much peace. The thought of unfinished work and studies hang around me like a dark cloud. And the worse part is that I still continue being this complacent. Yay me!

On a side note, Glee Episode 2 is done downloading. Off to VLC M.P!

Please Take Me Away From Here

Today was a day I probably made worst for myself. But I won't talk about that. Instead I'll rewind to the day in class.

God, I might as well not have brought anything to school today= = The day started with PJK in class. Me trying to rush people's new year cards while trying to listen to Pn Shanti talk about rugby and cricket o.o. Chemistry was relief, MORE time to continue writing cards, rushing my essay and decorating the class board. Lovely erm..plum blossoms? Haha

The 对联 shan en wrote for our class. Wah, I hope the rest of the school doesn't tear it apart from aggravation X D.

Wen couldn't accompany me to deliver the cookies. So I had to do it myself, while delivering my own cards as well. Damn, then I left my permission slip at S7.=. = And I was so paranoid after recess I had to checked whether I didn't get the cards mixed up. After all that trouble, Low Jun Lyn (!) tells me she almost left it in class for the afternoon session! Grr..

Class today was easy carefree. Had to leave physics early though ish. And the rest.. Who cares.

Ack! I'm actually throwing stuff out of anger in school. This is no good. I'm slowly losing my self-tolerance.... and insanity. o.0 At least now I have a consultant Hehe

And they found Hope.

I've been lost too long a time,
Wondering whether this road is mine,
For sins too much have been done,
Now dread as forgiveness is for no one.

Journey tedious, hard, all in vain,
Stressing when you don't know what is to gain,
But keep a smile, just to stay strong,
Eventhough things are going terribly wrong.

Thoughts in my head are mixed up,
As you can see,
So I bring up first my apology,
If this piece confuses thee.=)

Gave up glory for duty,
That I thought would give fruitful bounty,
Now lie in loss me and the army,
Regret, Despair, just plain unhappy.

Flipped a coin, both show heads,
It's certain only one path lies ahead,
Yet time has worn me down,
And loneliness creeps abound.

Picks up the revolver,
Rolls the barrel,
Pulls the trigger,
After this, will it all be over?

Foolish actions have no end,
To please is my heart's content,
And with scars and wounds to tend,
Will forever serve to my extent.

Working with false hope,
Awaiting the day you come through,
Till now I silently cope,
All I can do is wish the best for you.

Threads were cut, strings were pulled,
People go distant, I am a fool,
I gave scorn and showed contempt,
Now all's left is a lonesome regret.

Chasing after wild dreams,
Walking on broken strings,
Hear an unstrung melody,
As life I continue living faithfully.

Thankfully, I can still write these =)

First Blood

My last merentas desa/cross country/road run in CHS.

And I screwed it ><

I feel so much guilt now. I should have ran.

And if people have said is true then I have totally contributed nothing to Yellow House T.T

Now this part of high school life is incomplete, filled with "what if"s and "if only"s Sighs...

I wouldn't have felt this bad if we hadn't gotten FOURTH. Unacceptable, unbelievable, ludicrous yet it's truth.

This sucks.

I have to make this up.

On the otherhand, congratulations to all other houses and everyone that earned something. Still, it is so unfair that you get no recognition after all that hard work. And special congrats to Ye Shan and Hui Li, you guys make a great team XD And you have great spirit, Hui Li!!

After that, was the S2 CNY party at Bar.B.Q plaza, Sunway Pyramid. Too bad not everyone showed up though. But it was a great time =) Will await new activities.

Photos not uploaded yet~

P.S: I'm happy you like it =) Though it wasn't perfect since I had to get some sleep before merentas desa ><. And. You didn't have to thank me so many times =. =

P.P.S Not such an epic fail after all =)