El. Psy. Congroo

I am glad that I'm having time to rediscover my Otaku ways. It's not that I ever stopped liking the culture but I used to be more fanatic about it. At least, from the aspect of manga appreciation. Friends who have been to my room would probably understand, having seen how probably half of my bookshelf is filled with manga. I used to make regular pilgrimages to shop(s) in Petaling Street to buy the latest volumes of manga I was following. Malaysia also has this magazine reminiscent of Shouen Jump where a few manga titles are "serialized" so new chapters of the mangas are out each week.  There used to be a pullout in the Star called Otakuzone. I normally get news of the latest manga/anime there, the pullout's no more though. And as I turned to the internet for faster updates on manga chapters, the passion somewhat died down until my only routine was reading the weekly chapter updates online.

(Fortunately)some college mates were fans of One Piece and it made finally start on the series. Seeing that it is probably the one of the mos popular mangas of all time, really would be a shame if I never gave it chance. I initially had reservations about the somewhat eccentric artstyle but after you start following the series, you notice the great detail Oda(mangaka) puts into his art, not to mention the brilliant story-telling. After A2, I started following Katekyo Hitman Reborn, which just ended recently. (And pretty abruptly too. Though it does seem that there's nothing to cover anymore..., I think there were still some loose ends.) To mark a return to Otakudom, I even visited Animangaki. Planning to head for Comic Fiesta later this year too.

As for anime, I've started watching a few series too. Frankly, I'm not a fan of adapted anime, mainly those adapted from mainstream shounen manga. The anime rarely compares to the manga(except some rare few) and viewers constantly have to sit through fillers. I've watched 2 of 2011's most acclaimed anime and am currently following another series which just started airing October this year. I've enjoyed the two anime from 2011(very much) so I think I shall do a write-up about them.

Ano Hi Mita Hana no Namae o Bokutachi wa Mada Shiranai
The title translates into "We Still Don't Know the Name of the Flower We Saw That Day" though everyone just refers to it as Anohana for short. This tells the story of a group of childhood friends-the "Super Peace Busters" who after the death of one of their own, Meiko Honma, start to drift apart during the ten years leading up to the start of the anime. The main protagonist, Jinta, once the smart and charismatic leader of the group has stooped to the life of a "hikikomori", which is a recluse that stays holed up at home. One day, he sees the apparition of his long dead friend, claiming that her wish has not been fulfilled, resulting in her inability to pass on.

 The Super Peace Busters- Then

The anime is 11-episodes long but has managed to bring enough development for the characters. With the reappearance for Menma (Meiko's nickname), Jinta is forced to reunite with the other members of the Super Peace Busters to try and figure out her wish. Throughout the show, we see how each member comes to terms with the feelings and emotions that have been suppressed since even before Menma's death(except Poppo, who I think didn't have as much backstory). It's a story that would constantly tug at the heartstrings of those more emotional. Now every time the ending theme plays, I get all melancholic because the instrumental versions comes on at almost every emotional scene in the show. One peeve though would be the nicknames. The Peace Busters refer to each other with portmanteau of their names ie. Menma is derived from Meiko Honma, so it would be a bit confusing when you're just acquainting yourself to the characters.

And Now.

Steins;Gate
I remember seeing a friend of mine post a status last year about how he finished the series, and though I did nothing about it immediately. The name stuck and a year later, I've decided to watch it myself. Right now, I'm still suffering a withdrawal. Fortunately, there are many spin-offs to satiate my longing for more of this anime. Steins;Gate is an anime revolving around time travel and subsequently, the consequences from it. One of the many strong points of this anime is its cast of characters. The main protaganist, Okabe Rintarou, is a self-proclaimed 'mad scientist", constantly spouting delusional made-up conspiracies as well as monologues with his cellphone. Some may tire of Okabe's antics but there is of course more to him than the arrogant, flamboyant disposition he gives out.As the series progresses, we too see Okabe develop as a character as he faces the outcome of his experiments. The seiyuu contributed tremendously to the success of the anime by giving life to an array of characters with distinct personalities and backgrounds. Mamoru Miyano gives Okabe his eccentricity (Trivia: He is also the voice of Yagami Light from Death Note,Riku from Kingdom Hearts and Suoh Tamaki from Ouran). We also have Shiina Mayuri, Okabe's happy-go-lucky childhood friend who has a deeper understanding of everything going on than made out to be, Makise Kurisu, a prodigy, initially cool and level-headed, she soon warms up to Okabe and the gang.

Being 24 episodes long, Steins;Gate takes a while to build up, but viewers should be patient, the climax does come and rather shockingly too. Before that, the stories mostly revolves around the introduction of characters, most ending up as Laboratory Members of the Future Gadget Lab that Okabe founded, as well as the building up of the basis of time-travel, which might be a bit confusing if you plan to analyse it more thoroughly once the anime is over.

Though it falls mainly in the sci-fi genre, Steins;Gate has a mix of everything and balances it out perfectly: a blend of drama and comedy, a bit of action, friendship and even hints of romance. The art is clean, yet I admit, that of the visual novel which it was adapted from(Anohana is an orginal anime btw)  is much more stunning. Story was brilliantly told, and everything connects eventually. Its position as one of the great animes of 2011(or maybe even all-time) is duly justified.

P.S: Japanese seem to like their portmanteau nicknames, or maybe it just so happens in these two anime. Mayuri refers to herself by Mayushii and to Okabe as Okarin (much to his irritation).

Our 8 lab members. Okabe far right with his cellphone, Kurisu with the red hair and Mayuri with the blue summer hat. 

If you do start watching these two anime now, it'll be perfect timing to welcome their respective movies next year! Steins;Gate is scheduled to have an original movie in Spring 2013, and Anohana has one planned for Fall 2013.

Senescence

With this much liberty of being in the situation that I am now, comes too fear and sorrow that seems to lurk around every idle moment. It is during days when it seems that the only things to look forward to are whether Naruto will become Hokage or who Ted's wife will be that you feel so stagnant. You can't help logging onto Facebook/Twitter and inevitably be bogged by your friends' updates about their new lives, leaving a hollower feeling.

Sometimes, I have this selfish yearning for the world to just end in December, as 'prophecised". At least, then, there will be no grief for future sudden losses, with the knowing of when the end is near and for everyone to meet it together. There would be no need to face the fears and uncertainties of a shrouded future. No more emotions, no more assumptions, no more need for decisions.

Other times, I remember not-knowing is what makes up the excitement of life. I know that there's more that I need to discover and fulfill. I am aware of this is a means of escapism.

Like when faced with the decisions one has to decide on in life, my mind continues to oscillate

Oh Education..

It's a sad fact but I believe that I was quite possibly more brilliant as a child than I am now. It's true that children possess a natural inquisitive nature, eager to know about everything and anything about this world. An aunt of mine worked at Grolier, which was a publishing company. I used to be excited when she came bearing gifts in the form of encyclopedias and those trivia books, not to mention some disney picture storybooks. Time was spent flipping through these and if I ever had a query, I would go look it up in the encyclopedia. History used to be a favourite of mine, I had this one book which compiled biographies of famous historical figure, and I would go look up those of figures I read/heard about elsewhere. A TV show from the past, "Time Squad" (pun not intended) played a part in introducing said historical figures to me.

The Internet replaced these encyclopedias. Everything was now a search button away. Yet with all the convenience and limitless information, I'm not anymore intellectually stimulated. On the contrary, precious time has just been wiled away with all the Facebooking, Tweeting, and catching up on TV series. Not to say I don't learn other things, but it could have gone at a much more faster pace.

Pretentious as it may be, I felt that I used to have a larger advantage over my peers in our younger days, that I was already at a higher level in some academic aspects. I read up any thing that interested me so some historical or scientific facts we would learn later were mere general knowledge trivia to me, giving me chances to flaunt once in a while. Unfortunately, I never did expand this bank of knowledge. Soon enough, it was either the syllabus we were learning finally caught up or I started meeting people of equal or higher calibre. 

Our education system probably contributed to this deterioration, being so restrictive. Who knows how much untapped potential was never discovered, and will never be know as our brains age. But then, it's not only exclusive to Malaysia, we did model ourselves after the Brits.

Coincidentally, I just finished "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" today (or it was this book that prompted the post). Afterthoughts: what would I be like now, if I was handled more strictly in my youth? I know, I have my regrets, not continuing the piano or the violin, and maybe not swimming a bit more harder during classes. But then, would I have read as much or explored all the other enlightening aspects. Might I be like Amy Chua's daughter, attending college at Harvard or maybe in Oxbridge now if I was drilled harder? 

Who knows? And there's still time to learn. I might take longer than I would have in my younger days but there's still the opportunity, with the gap year and all. I can revert back to my free learning methods of the past, absorbing information from any source at my own pace. Schooling has disrupted most of my education, fortunately, not to the point of no return.

Keep it Personal

I'm gonna be cheating here. This may look like a pretty long post but most of the content won't be mine. Below is apparently from a writing competition but was submitted to some colleges for admissions too O.O, and it garnered quite a lot of attention:

"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college."

Whether it really got the author admitted into college or not, it is pretty cool >:D

Still

I would be lying if I said I'm alright with all this, that I don't feel the slightest bit left behind seeing everyone else gearing up for uni, moving on to the next phase of their lives. Having been the one who tries to get the low-down in advance, who always tries to stay in the pack, or ahead of it, I'm really not accustomed to being the one left here stagnant, while everyone is progressing. Typically Asian of me, to think that tertiary education is the only path forward. It sort of is now. But it's not the only Direct path after A-levels, I'm sure knowledge can be acquired anywhere, through any experience in life. That's what the gap year is for, isn't it? I chose this, because so many things would be missed out if I didn't take this year(or half a year) off to just do something else with my life. Yet, I am missing out on other things, even now.

Oh yes, A-Level results were released last Monday. Building up to that day, I was probably getting random anxiety attacks. Even dreamt about an F in Math :O. They turned out to good, really good. More could have been done(in terms of percentile). But it really is good enough, I am relieved.

Annui

This is gonna be another compilation of recent events I've been at since these will be more interesting than anything I can think of now.

TEDxKL 2012 (14th July)


I've forgot how I was aware of TED. I believe I knew of TEDxKL first before of TED itself. Being invited to  the previous TEDxKL events but failing to attend, I surely could not miss this year's since there was no other commitment for once! The "x" in TEDxKL means that is is an independently organised TED event, sort of a spoof of the original TED talks, which are held in Long Beach, California. Thus, TEDxKL is an independent TED event held in KL, the Temple of Fine Arts in Brickfields to be exact.

This event did not disappoint. It brought together speakers of different disciplines and backgrounds as they spoke on the theme of "Interdependence"( though sometimes I really had to decipher where actually were they coming from with this theme for certain speakers).  An album on my Facebook was already uploaded featuring pictures of each speaker with pretty lengthy captions summarising their talks.

TEDxKL stage

Had a really enlightening time. One disappointment was that they ran out of shirts before I could buy any. Hoping to volunteer for the next one in 2013(or who knows, TEDxYouth at the end of the year?:D)

On twitter, we had people commenting how so many events were going on on the 14th of July. There was TEDxKL, Malaysian Student Leaders Summit, Bon Odori and MTV World Stage at night, the Scout Campfire(this applies to CHSians only though). Earlier that week, I had won a pair tickets for World Stage, my brother took one and headed off to Sunway Lagoon by 3.30 while I decided to only head there after TEDxKL was done. 

Justin Bieber and KARA were already done by the time I got there, it was Mizz Nina's turn. I assumed she was the last act and as people were leaving after she was done, I followed suit. I assumed wrong of course, Jay Park was last instead(brother commented that it was probably a last minute rearrangement after noticing that people kept leaving after each performance, they were probably worried most of the crowd would leave  if Jay Park had gone first). However, I didn't really want to reenter and feel claustrophobic again so wait for brother in Pyramid.

MTV World Stage- Mizz Nina performance

More running!

Got up the next day (15th July) for the BHP Orange Run. Was really indecisive about this because I actually signed up for MSLS as well. In the end I did end up running, thinking I might make it back in time for MSLS. Ended up going back home to catch up on sleep instead. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, seeing the tweets from MSLS, they discussed topics I wasn't so well-versed in anyway. If you accumulate all the distances of the runs I've taken part in this year, I've already ran a full-marathon yay!

Mizuno Wave Run (Jan 2012)- 10km

Standard Chartered KL Marathon - 10km

MCS Fun Run- 5km

NTV7 Feel Good Run - 7km

BHP Orange Run - 11km

So we have a total of 43km >:D A full marathon is techinically 42km. Nevertheless, I'm still a pretty slow runner. Sigh, more training needed. There's Adidas KOTR and Penang Bridge International Marathon coming up in September and November respectively. Nike We Run KL is one to look out for, but Nike has yet to reveal anything, rumoured to be on the 14th of October with registration opening in September.

Took this at the NTV 7 Feel Good run. I do support our shuttlers! Go for Gold!

Met up with S2 classmates on the 21st. Attendance honestly wasn't that good, not even half made it. But it was still good seeing those you have not met since SPM results. Good to hear that everyone's doing fine. There are quite a few aspiring doctors among those present too. 

At Italiannies. Taken with Xue Ying's phone. Wan Jin left already though.

Singapore!

Was there for 4 days( 22nd- 25th July), mainly to visit the Harry Potter exhibition and to wJuatch Annie the Musical. I was in Singapore a few months back with the classmates too, though this time I needn't worry about lodging as I was staying with my cousin. Visited Marina Bay Sands, Orchard, Bugis and Serangoon. Ate a lot of nice food too :D

Justice League figures and Marvel Villains :O Cousin's hubby is a big fan. I rarely see anyone in my circles putting that much in the fandom. There are stacks of comics all over the living room too, read a few while I was there XD.

Flying Ford Anglia :D The prop which I could take a picture of since it was outside the exhibition.

The Marina Bay Sands hotel viewed from the Art Science Museum

 Batman lifesize model in a mall. There was Bane and Selina Kyle too.

 Doggie Style Cafe. You are allowed to bring your pet dogs in and even buy food for them. Only 1 dog was here that day though D:

 Wrap from Salad Stop. Pretty good ahhh. This one is spicy-crab flavoured. The one behind is a Japanese style salad, with soba and all.

 Chocolate Frogs and Every Flavour Beans

Annie :)

Was back at CHS on Friday (27th) for the Girl Guides AGM. Was really interested in the selection of this year's Top 4 since our Form 4s this year were pretty good. Am happy with the results and it actually was according to number of votes though there was a pretty intense discussion between teachers and the Form 5s.

The seniors who returned :D There are about 5 generations here. Once a Guide, Always a Guide ;)

I have also been teaching at the United Learning Centre for the 2 weeks already. My classes are on each Wednesday of the week :) No photos yet. For now, I can say that it can be difficult sometimes, with language barriers and all, but to seem them so eager to learn and how they rush up to me when I arrive is just heartwarming. 

3rd class is tomorrow. Should get back to brainstorming on how I can catch the attention of a group of  rowdy 7/8 year-olds.

Fragile Things

Despite what I try to tell myself otherwise, I am feeling pretty down. I know I have no right or reason to be but that feeling just wants to nag at me. Grateful I am for all the wishes yesterday but I feel a human touch lacking. I disabled posting on my timeline yesterday, so those who still intended to wish me did so through Facebook Chat, those with Twitter did so through that and a few of my older,close friends did so through SMS. (yes, seems that friends I've met friends last year resorted to social media instead,coincidental that only these certain people chose SMS, either that or using SMS establishes that our friendship is stronger and  longer lasting, as smses seem more personal and intimate). There were no phone calls, not that I felt like conversing in such a way anywho. Family faithfully celebrated with a homemade cake after dinner, brothers chose to not mention anything to me though.

Yet, yet, besides family, I didn't actually speak to anyone in person. Disabling my timeline posts did enable me to strike conversations with friends and acquaintances I have no spoken to in a while, but it was all through the internet. Basically, with the exception of dinner, the rest of my birthday was "celebrated" online, and I do find that quite miserably pathetic.

Well, it's not like people aren't busy, and my birthday was never celebrated on the actual date these past few years(not counting family), and it's not like I've done for anyone else's except my teachers, but they deserved it! I should really just do away with this mentality. There's no use comparing. Furthermore, our birthdays mark another year of us being alive, then every day we're alive should be celebrated. A very merry unbirthday to everyone.

Sherlocked

With all the runs I've been going for lately, won't be surprising that my wishlist currently comprises of running equipment. What I really need now is those armbands for you to place your iPod/Phone into, because really, it is a hassle to carry it in your hand throughout the whole route.

A pair of running shoes would be good too, preferably with Nike+ features. My current pair are too tight around the toe area D: Haha, am only shamelessly proclaiming my wants because my birthday...was around the corner. 

Also, I've just finished watching this series (by finish I mean up to its most recent season). 

I think the address above is already a giveaway if you don't recognise the characters themselves. Above are the two main characters of BBC's Sherlock, Sherlock Holmes himself( Benedict Cumberbatch) and Dr John Watson (Martin Freeman). This series has actually been out for quite a while now, Season 1 aired in 2010 while Season 2 was shown earlier this year. I have come across it through reviews in magazines and papers but only started watching now since A-Levels is over and I noticed a friend fangirling about it over Twitter. 

Note: If you intend to watch it, due make sure you have at least about 2 hours to spare, as 1 episode is about the length of a movie (1.5 hours/88 minutes).

There are currently 6 episodes in total, with Season 3 scheduled to air hopefully in 2013. Each episode holds reference to at least one of original stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself. The difference between this and other SH productions of the past is that it is set in a contemporary setting, thus you would recognise some familiar London sites in the movie. What to look out for, as with all other SH productions I guess, is the relationship between Sherlock and John. Oh yes, they call each other by their first names here, a different take books. Sherlock is arrogant and as he says "a high-functioning sociopath", while John has to constantly put up with his antics. Another character you to watch is Moriarty, (he's already mentioned in the first episode so not much of a spoiler), who is just plain psychotic as Holme's antithesis. 

Now, I'm even more excited to catch the Hobbit. Martin Freeman will be playing the lead role of Bilbo Baggins in the prequel to Lord of the Rings. Benedict Cumberbatch too will play the voice of Smaug the Dragon/The Necromancer in the movie.

Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins

Another thing is that Sherlock and John have their own websites in the movie, John's being more of a blog of their cases. You can see him updating it frequently throughout the series. It contains recounts of the cases they solved in each episode, even with comments from the characters of the show.

So, yes watch it. It has gotten this writer, as stated in the title, "sherlocked".

What's Up

I haven't had anything thought-provoking or profound(if I ever had before) to write about so I shall just update on how this one month has been, since completing A-Levels:

1. Meet-ups and Outings:

The two weeks after the last A2 paper and before Prom, I think I went out with 3 groups of people.( and 2 of these meet ups were in Sunway Pyramid). It's so good to be catching up with friends of old. One of the things A-Levels has robbed from me was all this precious bonding time(except with classmates).

From left: Le Yi, Su-Wern, Me, Shu Ling, Pei Jia and Xin Ying. This was our possy in the guides back then. Good that everyone made it. Ellie showed up later for lunch.

Later that week, I also met up with Yee Ling, CK and KX. Don't really have any pictures except of us bowling and of YL and CK <3 XD.  Basically, me and YL met up at Sunway first and did some window shopping, while the guys played pool at AC. Then, we caught up over lunch and went bowling.

On Wednesday of the next week, went on that KL trip with Xin Yan(or as my mum calls her, Backpacker Friend) as "discussed" on Twitter. We had a few stops. First, we met up at Pavillion and walked to Levain. Wasn't as far a journey as I thought, visited the Beryl's Shop halfway.

The view onlooking the back of Levain

Tried out the walkway from Pavillion to KLCC, took our time in Kinokuniya and hunted for my prom clutch.

Kinokuniya was featuring the works of Kazuo Ishiguro(pics above). There was also one of Sherlock Holmes.

Walked to Jalan Alor to find a hotel for XY to stay in. She intended to spend a few nights in KL(she's from Kajang by the way) before taking a bus down to Singapore.

Jalan Alor. Lots of food stalls here.

2. Prom:

Well, I didn't have very high hopes for this. One thing was because the number of people you meet in 1.5 years couldn't match those of 5 years. So less photo-taking and mingling. Also, the Student Council only had like, about 4 months of less to organise this so it couldn't have been as elaborate as my high school one. It was alright, in the end. Got to take photos with most of the friends I've met, saw everyone dressed up, enjoyed good(though it wasn't a lot!). Sadly, my classmate Nathalie didn't win Prom Queen, she was in the final 3! Ah yes, one peeve about this was that they handled the Prom Court selection so briefly. There was no catwalk, or any other embarrassing act the candidates had to endure. Before the agenda of the night started, the photos of the final 3 were up and we just had to vote.  That was no fun >:(.

The girls of PM4(sans Nathalie) and our mentor, Ms Tan 

All of the PM4 Prom Attendees(and mentor)

3. Class Trip:

This would be our last MAJOR class event. ( Just met up with some of them today so can't say it's ALL over). 6 were absent though of course, we would have wanted everyone to turn up. Compared to last year's Singapore trip, I guess we decide to tone down about by just heading somewhere domestic, so we chose Langkawi. The whole trip was good, fun in the sun, bonding and some chocolate shopping. Just that, we would probably have had more time if we didn't take the bus. 2 days were spent practically on the road. But all in all, was a good trip. Hope it's not the last time everyone gathers like this.

 Everyone at the beach next to our motel

At the iconic eagle statue

4. Runs

Attended the Standard Chartered KL Marathon last Sunday, the first of a few runs I will be joining for this period of time. I guess my time improved, but not a lot, and my best was still in my Form 5 days(maybe merentas desa got us all on the running bandwagon). The distance for this run was the furthest(10km), the upcoming ones will only be 7k and 5k. Though, I signed up for 16.8k for Adidas King of the Road in September.

The 10km finisher medals from my runs in the years 2010, 2011 and 2012.

So, that was most of the major events of my life for this past month since A-Levels ended. Besides that, have also been catching up on movies. Nothing too drastic yet. Let's hope I get more productive in the months ahead.

EDIT:

Forgot to mention another activity for the past month.

5.Cheer

I'm not the one doing the cheering though. My brother joined Cheer this year, thus as supportive family,we decided to attend the Cheer competitions. Two were held recently, one was Cheer 2012 on the 16th and 17th of June and the Charm Cheerleading Competition( C3) the week after. Despite my brother only joining our school's cheerleading squad this year, I was already a fan of cheerleading ever since covering Cheer 2009 as a BRAT. It really is a great sport, the passion, the sacrifices and the effort of all competitors can be seen so clearly through all their precise routines. A performance may only last for a few minutes but it would have taken months of training to perfect. Furthermore, you can feel so much energy not only through the competitors but through the audience. Some schools even send in busloads of parents and students to cheer their school teams on, schools have even formed supporter clubs where they spend their time perfecting chants and also to work on signs and banners. It is really quite inspiring.

At Cheer 2012

Never Truly Gone

I can't believe a year has passed already. Time felt like it has flowed both swiftly and slowly. I remember it was the week of holiday after the Semester 1 examinations. It wasn't a particularly good week, with today last year marking my grandmother's passing.

This year, the week was mostly going out, meeting people and preparing for Prom on Friday. It's fortunate that you've already seen me dressed up lavishly during my last prom. You may not be able to see my look tomorrow, but I'm sure you would have said I looked wonderful despite my own doubts.

Always in thought, and in memory.

Minute

I recall, during the last Raleigh meet, me and Kar Lye were talking about my probable Borneo expedition (fingers crossed!) and my gap year plans. Soon she said to me " It's good(that you'll be doing medicine)! We're always in need of medical staff. Our doctors are usually venturers who take time off their work to volunteer during expeditions."

I guess, it's these little things, that are of such significance to me. Comments that may seem so casually uttered bear more weight to me. How we'll be meeting after so long to see how everyone has fared, how my friends consulting me (best they don't get that chance) in the future. Mere words, or the simplest of actions, all forms of motivation, expectation. If you put it in a darker light, burden and pressure.

Nonetheless, this is all it takes to thrust me back on my path.

Only takes you so far

    You could say that I am sort of an amphibian. As how they are able to survive both on land and underwater, I find that I am still at least able to sustain myself by learning both the arts and the sciences. However, frogs too are able to drown and now, amidst my finals, I find that I am too, possibly suffocating under these Science-based subjects. Maybe that's why I am under-performing, the purely science and math syllabus has gradually lost its appeal, and I was soon enough forced into repetition. Yes, I have come to find that I detest routine, I tire of things easily (at least in that of a career, there is reassurance of doing the same simple daily actions). So, Medicine seemed a good choice, new cases and people everyday, also a fine balance of humanity and technology. Yet, I sometimes doubt my decision. It's not only because I may be bored of it soon or that I'm not suited to it. Unlike other careers, you deal with life in Medicine. I wonder how my peers are so confidently assured that this is their career pathway, have they ever stumbled on doubts such as mine? Can they be so sure they won't be pummeled by the pressure of the workload? Are they able to stay strong and calm when all around them is dejection and gloom? Can you tell a patient with a straight face the chances they have or to not be eaten away yourself by the sorrow? To live such an altruistic lifestyle, that a phone call from the hospital puts off any social arrangements immediately? I know, the situations may not be as bad as I said or one may choose to not be as dedicated. But what if you really had to give all that, and you couldn't, or wouldn't?

     I wish I could be like Michael Crichton, medical doctor yet also accomplished author(Jurassic Park among his works). I guess I really do enjoying learning new thing (tires of old knowledge easily too). If only I really could do a medical and art degree together.

     Quite a while back, I read a post from Louise's blog.( I would share the specific post link but there doesn't seem to be one for it, only the blog in general ), where she wrote on privilege. Yes, I too am privileged. You, reading this too, as well. I am grateful that I've always been given these opportunities, that I had a chance to test myself, to even still be as indecisive as I currently am now. Some do not have the right to make such (in)decisions, having being thrust a particular way of life they have to conform to. I still have the right to choose, to realise what truly is right for me, to be wrong, to try and to learn. I am truly grateful to my parents, for almost always giving me these chances to take that leap of faith, to venture into waters untested. There will be even more chances to really pit myself against the world later on, but whatever the decision I make, something will come out of it.

      Another thing I thought about was Passion. I am also truly blessed to have known many passionate people throughout my short lifetime, especially from CHS. By passionate, I mean they really had a cause or a talent that they were fully devoted to. You would expect these people to want to fully develop their potentials by gunning for the best possible institutions. Yet, that seems far from it. I know of a friend, who is currently pursuing Law locally(for now, twinning later on). From his tweets, his actions, his affiliations, you could really tell that he is REALLY into it, the political situation of our country, our rights, they really are of true concern to him. On the other hand, another friend has been accepted into one of the world's most prestigious to read Law, yet she has never displayed( at least not as openly, or as strongly) her passion as compared to my earlier mentioned friend. It does make me wonder, do we apply to these top institutions, because we need the reassurance of a highly-creditable certification to succeed in that field later on? Those who are truly passionate, confident enough with their talents that they would settle for a sufficiently creditable institution locally, knowing that it is their skill that will take them far? I have friends who work wonders with a brush(or other drawing materials) and a friend who has been contributing to one of the Star's pullout since high school, all having their big dreams but slowly attaining them here at home. I know, that this isn't generally true. Passionate people do get in to top institutions and there are other factors as to why you stay or go overseas. But this is an observation and it does make me wonder, am I myself not content, unsure of my skill, painstaking ambitious or do I really just seek the exposure?

A Leap of Faith(Fate)

To be honest, I was already quite fascinated with the option of taking a gap year, even before I got into the predicament I am in now. When my UCAS application results were coming out, and I got my first rejection, half of me was just hoping everything would just turn up null so I could go on the gap year. And well, they did!

So, though it still stings, I am still looking forward to the possibilities of a free year :D Shall list out my plans. So many options swimming in my head, yet am unsure whether I'll be able to accomplish them all.

1. Learn First Aid+ Life Saving
This one is quite a priority. Not just because I'll be studying Medicine(hopefully?) but because I think these skills are quite vital. In case of emergencies, at least I'll be able to help somehow, instead of standing still in wide-mouthed fear. Have found some classes, shall look more into it after A2.

2. Volunteer
This one also is a must, and unless I'm that heartless or fussy of the organisations I volunteer for, I will definitely be devoting my time to a charity/organisation. I was initially considering applying to volunteer at Pax Lodge, which was in the UK. But I only found out there was a deadline, a few days before the deadline... Furthermore, the application process is quite complicated, needing 3 references and all that. Have looked at some websites and asked a friend for any recommendations, still waiting for my answer.

3. Read and Watch!
So many unread books I have collecting dust on my bookshelves. Must get to devouring them before I buy more books and increase the pile. Will explore new series of manga too XD. For watch, it would be movies.  I never really went to the cinemas when I was younger, probably missed out on some good movies. So when I'm not out exploring the world, can still do so mentally through a good film.

4.UCAS/ Common App(?)
One reason why I considered going to Pax Lodge was because if I do reapply for UCAS. I wouldn't have to fly over to the UK for any interview, because I'll be there already!  And Common App, also still considering this. Preparing for SATs itself would just take up so much of the Gap Year, and more money would be used for the application. I do sort of rue not trying this out last year. The American Education System does seem quite appealing. It supports the moulding of all-rounded individuals, so you may not only learn things from your course. Yet, admissions(into the Ivies) are so tough. Who knows whether the risk is worth it. Oh yes, I was put off applying because Medicine is only Post-Graduate there and that the US is quite scary. Looking past that now, and just thinking about how the education system would benefit me.(Won't apply for Medicine if I do try this out).

5.Expedition!
I first saw a Raleigh article a few years back, and was keen on making a trip to Borneo to really "Get Out There". Hearing the testimonials of past-venturers, really inspires you to take this leap. One would really come back different from this, giving yourself away to nature for 10 weeks. Finally, an opportunity has appeared. Shall be participating in the Spring 2013 expedition if all goes well.

Besides that expedition, I really do want to do more travelling. Had actually planned to head to Taiwan for cycling with a friend. Unfortunately, she now has other commitments to tend too. Besides that idea, haven't really given this much thought, except maybe that I should go to the UK again.

6.Climbing Mt. Kinabalu
Read an article here . The writer was recounting his trip from when they started off at KK up until they reached the peak. As a Malaysian and self-proclaimed adventurous(only for certain cases), I must achieve this if not during my gap year than some day. After seeing Kareem's(said article's writer) photos, I was hooked. I have to get up there and see those sights for myself. The thing is, how do I train myself to be physically fit for it so I don't tumble 4000km down and who to go with.

* Mind the Gap Malaysia was started by fellow Malaysian students who are currently on their Gap Years. One of the founders, Louise is an old high school senior, thus how I came upon it.

7.Clean my room
I probably have much stowed away junk that I have forgotten about. And I lost my Form 5 photos D: Really mind-boggling how stuff just keeps piling up.

That's about it for now. A2 comes first!

Back

The blog shall be open to public again :) And as I said, blog post after uni results are out. First :

 

Ain’t that just sad? You may ignore the final choice, because the course wasn’t Medicine.  I think if I had blogged about this earlier, the post would be way more emotional than it is now. Currently, I heard that friends who are of better qualifications (at least academically) too receiving all rejections. It seems that for us Medicine applicants, the admission process and the chances of selection are just that more tedious. However, after seeing those even more deserving fail too. Doesn’t make you that sorry for yourself. It’s still unfair though, seeing how things have worked out better for some than others. Guess it’s just luck sometimes.

One thing the string of rejections has done though, is it made me question whether I was really that suitable for the course. Being one (who tries )to not settle for second best, I have this mentality that if I couldn’t achieve the best of something , the I probably am not suited for it. e.g if I couldn’t get into that (high-ranked) uni for that particular field, I may not be suited for the course after all.  I know that is just BS, but it’s quite hard to shrug off this kiasu attitude I’ve developed since..secondary school? :3

As a form of comfort:

This is from the Guardian’s University Guide for Medicine. And those circled are the unis I’ve applied to. Yeah, so in my defence, they were all elites D= though some say Dundee was the black sheep in my application. My state in the applications was like a “You’re good, but sorry you’re not good ENOUGH”.  It must have something to do with my articulation(or lack thereof). Since interviews were all used to judge me before the decision was made. Except for Edinburgh, who had no interviews.(So I guess I lack in other aspects too). 

So now, a lingering thought that has kept plaguing is : Should I have chosen Medicine? (Un)Fortunately, I get around to organising my reasons for choosing it in the first place and reassure myself. Though I wish my path would be clearer. Being a jack of all traits does this to you. I actually enjoy arguments(though I usually only speak better and make better arguments  when it is typed, oh the irony). Law? And I do write though not as extensively as before. So considered being an author, journalist? Spent long hours just thinking about how people and the world work? Hm philosophy? Used to draw manga characters while friends gave their opinions? So there was design? There doesn’t see to be any fixed and certain occupation that one is perfect for.  If only I could just be a volunteer my whole life, to travel and meet people. How enriching that would be.

On the bright side of this: Gap Year! To do all exploring I want before I head back to formal education. Hoping that a year off would give me some enlightenment.  And since trials are over and it is now the holidays, shall properly plan what I will due with that year.

野心

I believe that you can't measure and compare suffering the same way for any two people. Some people would have been granted the ability to overcome more obstacles than others. You could say that we have different thresholds for our sadness and our pain. The environment and one's upbringing would also have influenced their strengths to face adversity. People who have been through worst at earlier stages of their life would probably disregard a problem of the same gravity faced by someone else. Those in war-torn countries or those living in lands scarce of resources have faced such conditions their whole life but have gradually adapted themselves to cope. Though our problems would never outweigh theirs, the amount of pain and anguish you feel would probably amount to the same level.

The same would probably go for one's level of content. Though gifted with more skills, it may not mean they are happy. I believe I have been granted with a wee bit more talent in certain fields (and subsequently, way more ego).The achievements I've accomplished thus far may be enough to make others proud yet myself am not satisfied. The urge to do better provides one with the will to improve but it has culminate into a hunger that is never easily satiated. Sometimes I do wish I were more easily content. Though supposedly more gifted, it is not enough for success. And I still have to teach myself to settle for second best. Currently, this mentality of aiming for the top is causing myself a lot of doubt and conflict,making decisions that much more harder than they already are.

Last uni has not replied yet but wanted to blog this. And my ruler was left behind at the hotel. Sigh. Depressed.

（I would have written the english version of the blog title, which means ambition. But the chinese one has so much more aggression and emotion to it.)

Dull

Recently, Pei asked me to unprivatise my blog,as well as blog too since it has been a while, and the need to make this blog private is no more, since almost all my UCAS unis have replied,(bearing bad news though). But I'm not giving a more substantial update yet, nor making this public, until I get my reply.

For now, life is feeling very routine and empty. I need something more than the obligations I have in college. Missing the spontaneity and vibrancy life once had. And how my activities were more diverse than college matters. Decided to visit CHS on Friday with a few good friends/fellow guides. I was delayed slightly because of CALEB stuff and the line at Chatime, and the rain probably shortened the meet up but it was still good being back at the lodge. One always feels welcomed back at CHS. That day was a accumulation of simple but happy matters, like making lucky yet impressive shots at pool and hearing that your juniors wanted to meet you but had to rush to work.

After A2, I really need to return to the all the affiliations that mattered to me and to resume doing what I want to do.

Dong Dong Qiang

Slept at about 3a.m on Sunday night and woke up at about 8.40 the next morning. So you could imagine the groggy state of mind I was in. Already on Twitter and Facebook, I could see classmates rejoicing....and lamenting.

My results are alright. But I'm still boggled, and worried about the percentiles. A lot of effort is now required for A2.

And that was how the morning of Chinese New Year 2012 began.

Blackout

Back in high school when I was taking Lit for SPM, one of the poems we learnt was "A quarrel between day and night". Though it may not be as eloquent as the others( I prefer those that rhyme!), I think one part stuck with us.

“that is why I fear the night

always bringing dream thoughts

making one hungry in the chest

the next morning”

What is it about the night that seems to make it associated with more morbid matters. I tend to drift into my emotional state at night, resulting in most of my poems being written then. Coincidentally, all these poems were on a rather melancholic tone.

It must be during the quiet of the night, when you are alone in your room, facing the computer screen, that inspiration comes to you. In the silence, you let the thoughts that would never venture beyond your subconscious in the day penetrate to your line of thought.  The problems you flung to the back of your head resurface, you doubt the decisions you’ve made, you worry about the next day. Dream thoughts aren’t only nightmares, they occur in reality too. In times of great emotional stress, you let all those extreme feelings settle in the night and they subdue you. You wonder about the point of all this, you ask yourself why did you ever go this far? You feel like giving it all up and you try to escape to the temporary fortress of your dreams, to wake up with a yearning feeling.

I remember how serious conversations occur at night. I use to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, plainly chatting with a few friends. Our topics ranged from trivial daily happenings to those of our organisation’s grave political standing. Two of us were both passionate( I believe we still are now) and long nights used to be spent discussing about the organisations future,  how things have deteriorated dearly compared to the past, how we sought to revive it to it’s former glory and abilities. Certain bonds seem to be fostered from spilling your inner thoughts to like minds late at night, where you find some solace in the other soul reading your words another computer away.

I welcome the night, it brings forth what you would not dare face in the day. It means that daylight is not far away.

A thought

A long while back, around Form 2 or Form 3, a friend of mine told me that I was the type who relied more on my ability than luck to achieve success. He was actually referring specifically to how I could never score as well in those Paper 1 MCQ questions compared to the Subjective ones. But, I guess it goes beyond the four choices of A,B,C,D,( damn, now I think of AS Physics Paper 1) to how I have to choose between 31 colleges.

Ian and Jie Min always said they were lucky, after the interview, it really is down to luck. Ish.

And I seem to be going to the Five Stages of Grief.I guess I'm pass the denial phase, still pretty much angry, skipped passed bargaining to depression and probably will never come to terms with it.

Strikeout

Please don't worry. Am in stable condition. I just need to put my thoughts down in this self-depreciating/rant and very disorganised post.

You know despite how Trinity is, it is still your fault. You're not good enough. Why were you so complacent? Maybe if you had studied more and practiced more, you would have done better for BMAT. Maybe if you had stopped slacking so much and read up more, the interview would have gone much smoother. Why did you have to hesitate? The answers were in your head, yet uncertainty overruled your courage and you backed out. He probably thought you were inept, resorting to prompt and give you hints instead.

You were greedy too. You foolishly thought you stood a chance for a scholarship as lucrative yet as elusive as Jardine. You applied to Trinity, because of its reputation and standing, also as it is one of Jardine's chosen colleges. In the end, you got nothing. You already had an inkling it would end like this. You doubted whether Trinity was a wise choice, but for the scholarship, you went with it. Now,maybe someone of lower qualifications has gotten an offer because they went for a lesser college. Yet, knowing you, if you didn't try aiming for the best, your hunger would never be satisfied too. That's just how selfish you are.

Now, you would never be among those in CUMAS, never be able to experience collegiate uni life or to partake in their activities.Cambridge does have that appeal after all, besides the reputation, there's the beautiful landscapes and the quaint university town. You sought for that, and it was not yours to be.

You're a fool. You are cocky. You are never satisfied.

Now you look at people celebrating their offers on thestudentroom, each new offer a small blow, with those of medicine particularly harder. You know that you're only feeling alright now because you have yet to receive news of successful candidates from your college for medicine. You will be happy for your friends who succeed, but inside it will still hurt. You will both congratulate them and envy them. And your heart will die a little more inside.

You have failed all who believed in you. Wasted the effort of those who helped you on your path. Forced to break sad news to those who were along with you on this journey, telling them of your abrupt end. You weren't worth it, worth their support and advice. You try to sound as nonchalant as possible, maybe you really were alright with it then. It takes time for the realization to set in.

Well, now you reside in false hope, a state of self-denial. You still hope for a miracle even when it's alright set. It's alright, this is how you have always dealt with rejection. You'll come to your senses. This is a big blow, it may take longer. And you may never fully recover from it. But you'll move on soon. You hope this may be for the better, yes you do hope that, but you know you've let a big chance in life slip away.

Losing the Gamble

I already knew deep down that an offer was too much to ask. I was desperately hoping to at least be pooled. Though my imagination still wondered off to scenes of celebrations and walks around the campus. But still, too much to hope for.

With Gmail being how it is, I already saw the beginning of the email before I clicked it.

"I regret to inform you that,....."

And I could say that my heart did sink. (CHS joke here)

Just to make sure, I read it again. To make matters worst, I won't even be considered for pooling, which would have at least gave me a second lifeline.

Fortunately, I took it better than I had expected. Guess maybe the realization hasn't really hit yet. Proceeded then to tell my friends who I've shared my Cambridge applying experience with, breaking the news to them. Am grateful for their advice and consideration, telling me to not dwell on the matter, to not think it's because I'm the one unworthy, to say that it wasn't worth all that stress anyway, one friend even said he expected me to get in. Haha. After a talk with a senior who's there now, I guess I just made some wrong choices. I gambled on a college I knew was competitive because I wanted to risk a scholarship. Instead of taking the more strategic route of applying to a college with a higher admissions rate, I foolishly(or as my senior says, confidently) risked it on Trinity( which is usually the highest-performing college of Cambridge).

So, if anyone were to blame, it would be me. For not doing as well as I could have and for being so foolish.

Maybe it was just not meant to be.