Moving On

Since it's the last day of 2010, I guess I should write something short here.

Normally, for something like this, I would be doing a lot of reminiscing here. But I guess, I reminisced the whole year through anyway xD.

So I shall just say that I remember starting the year with the resolve to try to go all out in my last year at CHS. I believe I did the best I could to achieve that XD. So, not much regrets there haha. And I lost my temper a lot online, which gives me ideas for a new post else where X D. One sad part was not spending more time with different people. But, heck, what are gatherings for then? ^^

Better get prepared to kick off 2011.

Silent Night

I seem to be able to come out with some of my more better ideas in the most inappropriate moments. My mind seems to activate itself more efficiently whenever I'm lying on bed trying to get some sleep or when I'm in the shower.

Anyway, some thoughts have started constantly nagging at me while trying to go to sleep. They mostly include how I should have tried to interact more with some people, how I should have made up with some people and just maybe, I should have shown more enthusiasm in getting to know more people. Yes, it's quite a depressing thought that now, I'll probably never get to truly interact with some of these people ever again. Life after high school just won't be the same.

Yet, an even sadder thought just popped in my mind after that. It was the cold fact that after maybe just a few months later. I won't even be bothered any more. I mean, I would be initially pretty crestfallen at the idea of not being able to be in high school any more, no more seeing certain people any more. But, in the end, we all move on right? We get more accustomed to our new schools, make new friends and sooner or later, forget the old. =(

I'll just try to hold on.

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach

Nightlock

The past few days after Prom has left me some lingering thoughts. For instance:

1. Maybe I should have kept my hair that colour o.0.

2. Maybe I should have kept the curls.

3. Now I have no more excuse to not clean up my room =( .

4. What do I do for the remaining days of the holidays.

5. I'm getting very moody again=. =.

6. What book should I read next?

Now this is a shallow post. The lack of happenings in school, or more appropriately, the lack of school has left me with scare blogging inspiration. Sigh.

On another note, since Christmas is tomorrow, one should be equipped with the spirit of giving. Unfortunately, my resolve to do some volunteer work has gone none too well. Though I had the satisfaction of visiting our canine friends again yesterday ^^.

P.S. My brother finally let me read Mockingjay. Finished =) (Hence, the title)

P.P.S Merry Christmas! XD

Just that

It's over!

But there's no sense of extreme high for some reason. I guess after stretching ourselves out for so many weeks, the spring is too wound up to bounce back that quickly Haha. X D And there's always more stuff to worry about each day~

On the bright side, I can catch up on my reading! And it is, after all only one night >M<

Take Five

Only 1 more subject, 2 more papers left!!

I wouldn't say I gave my best, but I gave what I could. I fought hard. Even under stress, sickness and worry, I guess I pulled through. Just barely.

Exams have been stunning..though I can't say I won't miss this, all the sitting outside class studying== after it ends.

Though I would really not forgive myself if when disappointment laughs in my face 3 months from now. =(

Through the veil

Surprisingly, graduation ended on a happy note this year. Instead I think we were all pretty excited o.0. Maybe we were more eager to go to our respective gatherings.X D Anyway, 5 years really has gone by so fast.

People have written on the pieces of paper I gave out about how much I've changed over the past few years, and I'm glad that I have to admit to it =). And of course, that comment came from some of the more close-knit friends I have. Some still see me as quiet and reserved though! Means more work still needs to be done.

I remember coming in to CHS in Form 1 and seeing the Le Yi and Pei Jia were in the same class as me. All the drama (literally! We practiced for our lisan and oral quite diligently last time) and naive moments all now seem like a distant memory that I occasionally visit and let slip a grin.

Fast-forward to the Zhi Min of today and you would probably see a different person, at least personality-wise. CHS has brought me up well =). From a lazy, unambitious unconfident slacker, I have grown into a lazy, ambitious, somewhat confident and arrogant slacker XD. I don't think the me of yesteryears would be this raring to go get herself involved in any special causes event or volunteer to do paperwork for teachers.

And of course, I couldn't have been here today without the support of all my friends. Whether you played a part in trying to make or break me, it all helped me to grow into the individual I am today =).

And to my friend, it doesn't matter whether we met 5 years earlier or just 5 months ago, I don't think time applies as a form of measurement for our friendship. =) Yes, a regret is not getting to know you sooner but I believe this is because Fate has much more in store for us in the future! ^^ And even if I do find a group of friends who are supposedly better suited to me, I will never forget you because you helped made me a better person that could be worthy of making those new friends. Thank you =)

I believe, I left high school without much regret on any other part. I could say I was fortunate enough to be one of the kind of students who got to experience and gain a lot from this school =). So whatever I did in these past 5 years, I would happily do again and do it even better.

Fate has more in store for us.I believe this would apply to every Form 5 student now, because we still have SPM!! See you on Nov 23rd or sooner!

We will meet again.

Reflection

12

Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

(excerpt from http://www.astrology-numerology.com/num-birthdays.html)

Seemingly quite accurate oh o.0

Ecdysis

A caterpillar goes through its weakest and most vulnerable moment as a cocoon before finally completing it's transformation into a butterfly.

I always believed that things happen for a reason.

And everything that's happening right now, is also happening for a reason.

So no matter how badly I did, I just have to accept that it's like that for a reason. And well, just suck it up and move on. Though it wouldn't sting that bad if money wasn't involved ><.

Though being at a very vulnerable and devastating moment right now, at least when this metamorphosis is done, I will emerge stronger.

Ready to take flight.


For such a somber mood, I am actually talking about the most trivial thing in the world: Exams. EPIC PHAIL la me.

Head Straight Chin Up

I have nothing in particular to blog about..So I shall just ramble. =0

1)From observation, exams seem to have made the class somewhat livelier and at least there’s more interaction because of the different sitting plan. Be it because of stress, discussions or plans for post-exam activities, there’s seems to be some hype around class. Hopefully it lasts after exam because:

2) I feel very worried about the things that have to be done then =/. Shirt DIE DIE!

3) I feel nervous about tomorrow…>< DIe Die…Thousands of ringgits to gain or blow off.

4) I heard some good news about my English. Hopefully it’s true =0.

5)The dreaded exam week is done. But an even bigger terror lurks tomorrow =(

6)Ice Cream Mooncake Yum =3

7)Needs to study for interview =________=

Regurgitation

My fellow generation of teens and myself are wasting away our lives each day.  Especially now with the current examinations going on. It was bad enough as it is on a normal school day, now I see my classmates rather involuntarily and subconsciously donating the time they have to work on their studies. It was hard enough to get their attention on a regular basis, now I feel like I’m trying to talk to a wall… maybe the wall would be a better respondent…

This is a sad sad scene. This not only just puts everything on hold, it’s a bloody waste of time. It’s that time again, where a major government exam approaches, I grow weary and start having the sensation to bash the education ministry. What kind of world do we live in now? One should be possess a more liquid system, able to flow according to the drastic and stimulating changes our world goes through. It is a new era, the conventional sometimes doesn’t work out anymore, and it has to step down and make way for the future.

More often than not, I have the urge to just go google some short course or youtube something, like maybe “How to make your own homemade grenade’. But yet, I cannot do so. Because then this pops up “ You have to study” “ You have to do your homework”. It may be a case of utilizing one’s time properly but usually just the slightest thought of studies totally kills of any other mood of alternative learning. Going on to Facebook, blog and Chat is one thing, going on to study and search for information is another experience in itself.  You could just aimlessly log in to facebook and wait for the wall to update, but with studying online , you still need to think. It is ,though with the usage of ICT, still a consuming task. This is from my point of view as a student, and I guess my fellows will feel the same, one just can’t split one self to accommodate that many tasks.

My schooling is disrupting my EDUCATION.

If I had the right and power to any kind of legal information when I wanted to and where ever I wanted to, would I have turned out a better, brighter individual than I am now? Leaves much to ponder.

Anyway, what I just want to say is: Don’t let a flawed system ruin your lives, JUST GO LIVE because the world has that much more to offer you and it would surely teach you more than the mouldy old textbooks =).

Isn’t the elephant adorable =)? <3

What's wrong with my blog? o.0

One Last Lecture- Part 2

Judging from the content of my last post, my early life in Guides seems to be filled with more sorrow than happiness….Maybe so => But well, Form 4 and Form 5 will be a lot more turbulent.(With an equal amount of sadness?) Despite having ‘memorable’ events as well.

(And will try to add stuff I left out from the earlier years here)

At the end of Form 3, somewhere after the school year ended and before that year’s BAKP, there was this ..err incident la, where I guess seniors wanted an answer and people’s spirits had already started waning. So, members of that present Form 3 batch (08) were getting pep talks about the perks of QG and whatnot. Looking back, that seemed pretty much like an omen, a sign of what was to be this present. How by herding us all together to strive for this one goal, it would provide much more assurance to those fighting alone before. And if one were to ever fall, they could be more relieved knowing others would still continue. But, it didn’t actually turn out that way. It was never a ‘herd’ to begin with anyway. Moo~ XO Of course for me, it happened in MSN again, MSN played quite a role in my Form 3 social life o.0 What made me say Yes, I don’t know. And even if I did, only my heart knows why. Oh! I remember all the different responses I got. Lyn’s nonchalance, Le Yi and Pei Jia’s support ( actually I don’t quite remember how they reacted, but it should be on the lines of this la). And Wen’s “Are You Crazy?!” Of course, I guess among the shadows, there was also doubt, scepticism and prejudice. But anyway, look where I am now... Not any better from last time Haha.

Is that it for Form 3? Memory block==

Form 4 Guiding Life started off….Well I don’t remember how it started off.=. = For one thing, I was getting involved in more things. But so were most of the Form 4s la. And at some projects I kept getting Treasurer post, which aroused the suspicion already that I would receive it. And ….well, you know how it turned out.

At the beginning of the year, the main focus on Guiding that time was the Permit Camp. I remember the preparations for it. *shudders* =/ Way back at Form 3 year end was Camper’s Test. That I really sat for this time==. o.0 Actually not much memory on this, just many days of coming to practice tent pitching, then gadget tying and cooking. Then a camera was lost so we had to redo the whole thing==.

Anyway, back to Permit Camp. Sigh. Just reminiscing about that experiences brings up pangs of guilt and shame. =( I did badly, I admit. And I probably just made someone’s life difficult for them ><. Thinking back, I don’t even know why I would make myself so hostile then. And I’m really sorry if my actions had , consequently, affected your decision later on. And I’m so thankful for the HOPE gang. =) We made fools of ourselves but it was worth it. Now everyone present at AGM knows about the climbing-over-canteen-table incident *erhem* =S And how I remember the rain that day. And raining around school barefooted. Memorable X). And Jia, Drama FTW!

Life in Form 4 continued with QG paperwork-catching up ><. And I remember the then Form 4 batch was waging in constant battle against the Form 5s. And actually, sometimes, I don’t get it =. = Maybe it was because I wasn’t a COH then, so I wouldn’t know a lot. But then, Lyn’s feelings towards them are pretty much neutral too. Hmm. I remember a certain blog and certain incidents. And also a certain “stain” left forever on the lodge. On the matter of how the Form 5 were strict towards us, I don’t think they were particularly wound-up or anything.I remember Jie Min and …Jia Xin (? Or another senior) playing on the bouncing castle during the Carnival Bazaar, with Jie Min looking especially tired then. >< Hmm, ok, I wouldn’t call it being strict, more like being distant. Cause not much interaction was done between them and the other forms.

And then the in-between events like the COH Training Camp. Nothing much to say about that, except that it was a breathe of fresh air. =) Then NG. >< This isn’t what I did, but more on what I said. What I did = Practically nothing useful. And what I said= Were daggers aimed at point blanc range to the vitals. I managed to get Tristan to come. But well, Tristan being Tristan, wasn’t actually all praises. Ouch, worse still, he blogged about it. ><Even worse, my birthday was on the next day and I made the stupidest decision by ditching Wen and Seng Yew to go spend it with Guides. *Face Pam* After how many times of disappointment, I still never learnt the lesson of never going out with these people. =. =” Ish.

As August approached, so did the AGM. And I dunno why I started having ambitious yet unrealistic goals. As blog posts have proved. No Lyn, you never gave me false hope, just strength =). And also for Jmin’s er..consolation and “explanation”. I don’t think you read my blog anymore but ah well. No matter what, I think my interview went quite well, though you must credit there was only two people there. This was all thanks to the two Li (s) and the JIa in my class X D. They coached me so much on the interview and how they accompanied me down before the teacher came to see the results. And how they comforted me when they saw the (I suppose) disappointed look on my face =). Awesome people my friends are ^^.

The week before AGM was all on the very cacat-ed campaign souvenir thing I did. =. = And I wrote little messages for the Form 4s. I forgot what I said though lol X D. Well, that year’s was a bit more sentimental since those were the seniors we spent the longest time with. Some even came in the same year as us ><. And then it was like the moment of finality, it was really our turn to take over.

Soon after, it was back to focusing on QG paperwork. Things weren’t going too well. The passion could only grow dimmer. People were painstaking trying to move on by putting on a show of nonchalance. But of course, letting go was the better option. No regrets right? =']Believe me, that journey was the end result of many regrets and lost chances.

For Form 5, or more specifically, my term as part of the COH, was.. … torture. Not physically but mentally. It was an inner conflict between what’s best for me and what’s best for the orgnisation. I would like to believe I’m a person of principles. And my principle says that instead of being a little lap dog trying to squeeze its way into the crowd it will never belong to, I might as well be my own individual. Aren’t we supposed to be individuals of our own anyway? So the outcome was many moments of solitude and deep thought.

Back to some events first. AS the new batch of COH stepped on, we were filled with a new passion to change Guides for the better. At least, some were. The Patrol Leader Course organised at the end of the year was a milestone for what might have been greater things to come. And to think, we could do all that in a week. =. = Then, it was BAKP. Again, thanks to the members of the original HOPE gang who though said they would never camp again, returned, whether for personal reasons or to assist me =). And quite a pity we never did our drama. Me, Le Yi and Jia were discussing so animatedly on the bus ==.

Besides COH duties (or the lack of for me =/), was all the QG work lo. I had to do my khidmat and sometimes I really feel like smacking myself in the face for ever going along to agree to do that. But well, it wasn’t for nothing la. I got to meet all those interesting guiders =). Hah, I spent a lot of time worrying about our progress, even though I usually was slacking all the time. What to do, I think I work better under stress ==. My classmates must think I’m crazy when they see me bring those folios in every day last time. All in all, everything soon came to an end for that. And just at the time when I was so close to it, I felt an epiphany, of loss. I had probably wasted so much on that. This, what could this do? After how I had made this resolution to do something for the organisation, I failed. I know blaming the award for that, is just shoving responsibility, but…I could only focus on so much. I ended a term with nothing to give or show for =(. I’m so sorry young ones, your senior failed you. Hue Ching, Germaine, Sabrina…== were probably wondering what was wrong with me then…

I felt very torn apart. I was probably like the opposition party resisting the grasps of the government. Was this just a difference in mentality? I could never get them and I will never try to. Some things they do, I never agreed with. Just because I said I would support you, doesn’t mean I have to agree with you? i spent a long term, sighing and face palming at the incredulity of some things. Don’t get me wrong, some things were a pleasant improvement. Well, others. … To put it simply, I never favoured my batch, not the cliques anyway.

And this brings us to the AGM, I was really lost in messed-up thought that day. I had so many scramble thoughts but nothing to pinpoint on. Then, I thought this doesn’t have to be a sad occasion, not at all. For why are AGMs held, it’s because we need change, to let new better, brighter individuals to take the lead. And that’s why I saw in you Form 4s. I meant it when I said you made me proud. From the little bunch of simple, naive, and actually hopeless (paiseh) little kids we knew when you guys were in F1/2, you guys have grown to be individuals of your own calibre. And I seriously hope you guys will bring the organisation back to glory, I know you can do better than us. =) And just to say:

Form 4s:

1)I know you guys are a team. But remember never to leave out the rest. Work together ok, leave no one behind. Make the first step. Have Initiative.

2)Don’t be afraid to spit out your opinions. I’m sure this would probably be no problem for you guys. But just a reminder, respect each and every member of your Court. No matter what post one has, there is no such thing as a bad idea. Everyone has a say.

3)No more conflicts I hope.I remember some incidents last year. But like I said, respect everyone. Everyone has their own skills, everyone can make a difference.

4)You may think, you are in this situation because you chose not to move on. But that isn’t true ok. So don’t ever think it is so. And don’t even think it’s because you are inferior. Everyone has their own specialty and we just want everyone to find one they are comfortable with. I hope you do to with yours. =)

5)Don’t leave this place with a heavy heart of regret. Do what you can and what you will for this place.

6)If you are still pondering about whether to move on, don’t let the voices of others influence you. You will only be doing this for yourself. So it all comes down to you. No one will judge you for letting go. I, honestly, have missed out on some things which I will never regain because of that and have regretted heavily. So I hope you never feel the same.

Girl Guides has given me many fond memories. I remember all the camp fires I attended. There was the my first one in Form 1. Almost Perfect by the CHS Scouts It was only me, Le Yi, Jia, Lyn and Hooi Zhong there. I remember See Mun praising us for bringing flashlights. The Guides cheering for Yin Wen as she went up to get her souvenir. There was our campfire the next year, where we experienced for the first time as the organising body. The scouts 50th anniversary campfire where it rained ><. The poor guys got complained a lot. Our campfire again the following year, with the phoenix slowly making its way to the top. The theme name I never liked.== The lack of an audience due to the H1N1 epidemic. Then, there was the Chan Wa campfire this year. The first time out of school, out of state even. Then getting high just a few days before a certain major event. Trying to stay up, and looking up at the sky while lying on benches.

I remember trying to follow the steps as we dance to a Jolin song in junior camp and winning Best Performance X D.How me and Lyn “innocently” dumped our noodles onto the field. How we found shelter in the “lorong” while our seniors went to attend to the tents. How I got ask to camp but couldn’t attend because of family affairs><

I remember the disappointed and aggravated look on a senior’s face when I made a impossible request or screwed up. How I was so down because no one “wanted' me. How we cooked near the drain for the jurumasak test and how the few of us would always joke and have fun during a test in the early days.

I remember how in Form 3, you startled me by actually trying to have a conversation with me and later for commenting her to give encouragement. How me, Lyn and HC spent late nights talking crap. How we tried to settle the pekhemah thing online and everyone’s concern. I remember all the human chains we had to do and coming back to school to prepare for the carnival. I remember how a few people looked on while their seniors worked under the hot sun.

In Form 4, we practiced drama at the lorong again. Lyn saying I looked awful and Shu Ling trying to make me eat. How I had to work as I the game progressed. How we tried to cheat when no one was looking. How my HOPE gang very comically treaded over the canteen tables. I remember the look on Juosie and Hong JIn’s face when we found Juosie’s glasses after a long search. How everyone on the ground looked while dangling from the cord. I remember trying to capture the stars with Hue Ching at school while the juniors made “tang yuan”. How I waited for wishes on that day but was disappointed.How we tried to transfer grass from one end of the field to another. The school looks so serene at night, how cold the classrooms were when we got up every early morning. I remember the stories of otherworldly incidents in camps. I remember frantically finding people to go to camp with us. More fooling around in BAKP. I remember two of us nodding off while meeting was in prgoress and Jmin passing the note. How we went to the hot springs and rode n times on the slide.==

I remember rushing for guide folios. Having talks with juniors on certain things. Sleeping and waking up at certain hours to do work. How we marched in the night. How we celebrated after. How we spent our times in the lodge. How we surprised teacher for her birthday. How we stayed back long hours for meetings. How when I always looked, I always saw two sides. How I kept quiet every time. I remember tentatively making phone calls. I remember all the trips to the HQ and back. I remember we got lost for who knows how many HOURS trying to find Taman Megah ==. How I snuck to the Lake Gardens and back. How we dutied every event. I remember promises, and never seeing them fulfilled. I remember seeing them worked so hard to see us off smoothly that day. And whatever I still remember, it will still be here with me.

So, I finally made myself finish this post. Finishing this brings a sense of finality to all this. I guess it should come to an end now. I’ve watched this organisation since Form 1 till now. I think, it’s time to move on and let the young ones worry about it too. The withdrawal syndrome has to cease. Putting off this blog post, constant lodge visits, pestering juniors…You guys are grown up liao,you don't need us anymore Haha. Time to let you all lead le

I really love Guides. Yes I said it, I do ><. And I will miss CHS Guides. But as they say, to love is to let go. So, I guess, this is Au Revoir.

Zhi Min,

Will no longer be OFFICIALLY affiliated with CHS Guides.

Good Bye.

Boiling Point

I'm sorry for the lack of updates as I didn't want to cut off my "One Last Lecture" post by having others in between the two parts. BUT Ugh, I get so pissed sometimes with some people in class. And this has been a consistent feeling these days. =( My limit is just so much. Don't you think the quiets are normally the scariest? And you haven't seen me when I'm angry.

You say things you don't mean when you get emotional. But I think it's either the heat hasn't cooled off or I'm stable but still unhappy. Screw them.

One Last Lecture – Part 1

I used to really look forward to Saturdays.

Because I could get to meet all those familiar faces that I usually really get to meet only once a week(Saturday) and also to do the things I loved.

Yeah, I used to.

I stumbled upon CHS Guides by the recommendation of two friends: Le Yi and Pei Jia, who both had sisters in the society. So on Gerko Day, I signed myself up without much qualm. I remember during the welcoming party I was “caught” to stand up and had to introduce myself. I don’t remember why, but it was a game.

Then, there was Junior Camp. My patrol was Kai Yi and I remember being in awe with her, because well, she was so good. One memorable scene was where she told us to stay put in the shelter while she fought the rain herself to fix up our tents. And it was raining VERY heavily. I really owe Kai Yi a lot for what she taught us. Our patrol won the best performance and if I didn’t remember wrong, overall best patrol too. =’) If only you had stayed on longer, you would have helped changed this place a lot.

I know Form 1 was a really quiet year for me. I never really was active. I probably wanted to, but there was no one to do it with me. My closest friends weren’t that active themselves so I was restricted. We weren’t taken much notice of but we didn’t mind much. Fun was all we knew. And with that AGM arrived, I remember how emotional the seniors were. But as young as we were, we could feel not much sadness =(.

Form Two came and the batch of Form 5 that were elected had quite a bond with us as Le Yi knew some through her sister. But things didn’t change that much. I remember being a lousy member in a certain someone’s test camp and I am forever sorry. I still wonder whether it was my fault she gave up halfway. Also, during Form 2, we were exposed to tests, though being late bloomers, it was enough to get us interested. Even so, this was a year where I seem to be isolated from a lot of activities. Maybe because I was declared as incompetent. It was also the year where my peers got elected into office and there a barrier was formed.

To tell the truth, I was pretty (okay, awfully) disappointed without getting a post. Me and my friend, we were in quite a state of denial. We spent long hours discussing in the library. How were they any better from us? Some obviously stood out since day 1, but the rest fared no better than us, they might have been worse. Jia gave an explanation about them being more recognisable. But still, some damage was done there and to this day, I still have no answer.

At the end of Form 2, they had a camp. That we were no part of. And I can’t say that I felt no pang of jealousy at that. Moving on, it was also the time I met Hue Ching and also the time where she was facing one of her most crucial decisions. I guess it was because of that event that we actually became friends. I don’t remember how we started talking, just that it was from MSN. Me and Le Yi used to come early quite a lot for fun and we met her through that. Somehow, Le Yi asked for her email and I copied it down. So, to meet someone and advise them at such a turning point in their life. It is fate, don’t you think? =)

Also during the end of that year, there was the BAKP. That I myself had no part of somehow o.0. I remember being such an emo, even jotting down the reasons I sucked as a Guide in this VERY blog ( oh wait, was that another event?!) I remember writing emo personal messages on my blog and ranting to people, Hue Ching in particular =/ And I believed she tried to help me. Not to much avail. This was a particularly dark time for me. The end of Form 2 and possibly the start of Form 3. But anyway, somehow or another I did end up in that camp. And it was quite memorable, wrote about it in this very blog too. First out-of-school camp for me.

Oh yes, this AGM went by without much memory too. But I remember Le Yi exclaiming loudly with surprise when she found out who became the new UL.

Oh yeah, there was one day in Form 2 year end where me and Le Yi came to school to complete Kelas Dua folio. How semangat-ed we were then! And coincidentally, we met Marissa and Hue Ching too, who were gonna visit the old folk’s home XD

You could see that I probably never looked forward to Saturdays much then.

Form 3 year, I guess I could feel a bit of rebellion building. The disappointment was still there from not getting a post, and I thought, honestly that it separated us. I didn’t know this batch of Form 5s well at all and had this biased ill-fated opinion of them. I guess this was also a year I felt pretty isolated. (It was either this or last year) ==. Also, during this year, some small strides were taken. I actually stepped out to do a test without my usual posse of friends. Was it a certain someone’s influence? *shrugs* I know they were a lot of doubts of my capability, and in the end it never happened. But I remember all the encouragement I got. A pat on the back while we sat at the corridor after Sports Day raptai and I was feeling sorry for my sick self. A rather long comment of encouragement from a person i still look up to till today. Thanks a lot = ).

But also, things weren’t always going that well. I remember being told to wait outside a room while a gang discussed their own “private” affairs inside even though we were supposed to be working together on something else. I also remember being told not to follow some people and to walk my own way. So, how could I feel that I actually belonged? Devastated, really. There were probably lots of rants to different people on different matters but all is faded memory.

Of course, Form 3 was a time when I expanded my measly social circle somewhat. I remember walks with Lyn everyday after school and long talks with Marissa on Msn. So, slowly I was feeling some acceptance. Also I guess people were coming together, yeah the COH of my batch. And there was also the time we celebrated Shu Ling’s birthday in Dominoes’ and we played Spin The Bottle = =. I know.

Hm, this year I also got closer to my some form 4 seniors. From random occasions. One had asked me to prove myself and show myself too. But I guess I might have disappointed her when I never went for the interview, thinking it was of no hope. Also, that day was my birthday and I was taking the fire-lighting. I received a lot of help =) (you know who you are) Later, we also watched the HnG concert. Hehe X D

I hope I never crushed any senior’s hopes again during the camps I ‘helped’ out in. I know the Permit I went to was way better than the previous but still =(. But the BAKP one went on fine and JiaX was an awesome leader XD.

This AGM also went on pretty calmly. Just that some controversy about presents occured. And it was held in a ..classroom instead of the usual Lecture Theatre. Ah yes, I even remember how the results were announced. That day it was the Independence Day Launching and there was the Traditional Costume Competition. Me and Lyn were spending recess talking at our classroom blocks. Soon, we received news that the results were out and some quite shocking too. (HC!) And we both went “Aiyah! Should have gone down, now we missed all the drama XD”

Wah, so long.== Part 2 later lar.

17 Candles

I lived my life full with expectation. And all this while I had my hopes crushed and scattered before me. Thus, I had resorted to placing no to exceptionally low expectations on events in my life. The thing is, this method seems to work. Never mind about that now, the main thing here is, I am happy =DD.

12th July which was yesterday, was my birthday. Compared to that rather emotional affair last year, this beats it by a long shot. Though, for last year I only had myself to blame. A wrong decision and some false hope was the cause. =( Anyway,onto pictures and brief reminiscence  of the past two days.

Someone once pointed out the puzzling thought of why a person like me (what kind of person I dunno) could have such good friends. And yes, she was right. I do have awesome awesum awezum friends :)

First off, Hui Wen, Le Yi and Pei Jia spent the eve with me at my home. Lyn was supposed to be present too..but stuff came up =S.

Jia and Le Yi cycling on my brother’s bikes haha =D

 

The oreo cheesecake Le Yi made. Yum =)

Cutting cake

Then, on the day itself. Yee Ling wished me through SMS like3 minutes earlier lol. She had to purposely set alarm to remind herself to send=. = And Hue Ching wished me on MSN. Facebook wishes started piling up at around 12.30 o.0. In school, I saw a bunch of people gathered round already before assembly and suspected something le.

It was also Wan Siang’s birthday. So class sang for us =D. By the way, class photos were out and ours looked AWESOME!! Recess, more wishes and my suspicions were right! Pei Jia gave me a card, so adorable =D

Pei, Yu Li and Rach also gave me a book—The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. Too bad I had it already….And they took it back =. =. But let me mention here, good pick because out of all 4 of his books, I enjoyed this the most =)

At night,went to dinner at Umai-Ya, IOI Boulevard with Hui Wen. Only the two of us. Again >=( Kena sorta ffk. Grr.

 

Adorable Tea Cup

Udon Yum =P

Tora Yaki Yum Yum =D

=D

After window shopping at IOI, I had to get home to cut the cake. Alexis Tiramisu,  Yum Yum. Too bad the meringue one wouldn’t last.

What  I got :

                             

The book from Pei, Li and Rach. My own copy as a replacement =)

A….er…craft house from Wen, Lyn, Jia , Le Yi, Hue Ching and Seng Yew

 

   Pei Jia’s handmade card.

 

A card from Xin Ying

 

3 songs. 2 cakes. And one pretty awesome birthday. Though there were moments of minor dissatisfaction and still the urge to pummel someone, yes, I am happy. And so grateful =)) Thank you, everyone.

As If

A friend once said that the lack of updates was a good thing, at least the lack of my more sentimental (emo) updates is.

But, that's not true.

I haven been feeling down on multiple random occasions, for reasons known to myself.

But the main emotion here is not one of sadness, but of anger.

This is hatred coursing through my veins now.

You've crossed a line, two times too fast.

And if I hadn't slept earlier, I would still have murderous intent. But never mind, I don't care anymore.

And I doubt that you would to.

Though concerning different matters.

My Dream Story of Success

All my life I’ve been questioned on my ambition. And throughout the years I’ve given different answers. True, the mind of one does develop and mature as they grow but there is one thing that I have always place as an ambition just yearning for me to attain., one that I can truly call my success. I need to learn the courage to accept and to change. The earth shifts, the stars die, people come and go. You can say that change is the only constant cycle in life. Yet., many are feared by it. I wish for not only the power to accept change but also the gift to administer it.

Have you listened to the “Earth Song” by Michael Jackson? I do not quite recall it now but I remember part of the lyrics to b like “What about sunrise? What about rain?” Yes. What about them? Or is it more like what has happened to them? The sun rises into a sky filled with toxic fumes and smog. The rain we children used to play under now has the destructive power of acid corrosion. What has happened to the world? Yes, it is change. We are slowly entering the area of metal and technology, where soon parks and ball games will only be seen through and experienced through virtual simulation. Is that what we really want? I hope for the power to do change the world back to it roots, where one ran barefooted in the grassy fields and drank out of fresh spring water. From signing petitions to regular lake clean-ups, that is only so little I can do. But once, with the authority and power, I hope to be able to do more.

I used to have different ideas on what career to pursue in. Now, I am quite keen on majoring in the field of medicine. Once, when asked why I wanted to be a doctor, I (quite so)innocently replied that it was in order to help people. Only to have my mum snort in disbelief, claiming that medical practitioners nowadays only have eyes on their own financial needs. Is that so? I wouldn’t believe that there is no one left in the world who would take up a job with the sincere interest of making a difference in this world. So many wars have broken out through the years, and over nonsensical reasons were they fought. The high-ranking officials responsible sit smugly at home, while the citizens of those war-torn lands, the TRUE victims, are tortured, maimed and mentally destroyed each day the white flag is not raised. If I would ever get the chance and the courage to do so, I would volunteer myself to these lands to give medical aid. It is not out any act of sympathy, but as a duty of every man to care for their fellow.

Besides all that talk, one thing that I wish the power to change most is---myself. I am really a rotten person sometimes. I have been on the verge on neglecting what’s most important to me—my family and friends. When was the last time I had a nice laugh over the phone with a best buddy or the last time I talked to my grandmother, who watches on each day as I rush up the stairs upon reaching home from school, leaving her alone on the sofa…I, not only me, but this world needs a bit more love. A little act of kindness can go so far. You could help a teacher carry her books or buy lunch for a friend. These small things, though just miniscule compared to the accomplishments of missionaries and politicians, are just ways of showing we care for this world. Even though it may not be much to the world, but it may be the world to someone.

I may be alone now with only hope to cling on in achieving my dream. But I know, together with hope I can soar. This world deserves to be in the hands of better people and I know my generation is making the first step into brightening our futures. We will have a land of peace, harmony and integral understanding. One day, I will see all this in front of me, and I can say, I have succeeded.

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one”

“Maybe someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one”

http://www.sunway.edu.my/mysuccess

Any way the wind blows...

Well, the time had finally come. I don't know what spurred you to say that but thank you for your honesty. And yes, as how you've put me, a part of me still remains sceptical about your sincerity but why put my mind through so much doubt and torture? I will just and can only accept it and let it be. Also, this is a part of me that will take some time to change. You built your defences, why can't I?

I know I was pretty demanding, and I admit, annoying. Still am and will be. X D. I was biting more than I could chew, I wanted more when I already had so much. I always thought you could give me more, and as a dealer of false hope, I gambled on. I should have learnt my lesson long ago and here I'm pretty grateful to you for not abandoning me, because I know you could have. Easily. I wanted more freedom with this, but it only ended up restricting us more. I don't know but things felt so awkward sometimes. It was just a struggle to hold myself together, an inner struggle which I kept losing.

Yes, things will be better now. They have to be. We are happy the way we are, no point straining this friendship. It's true, I decide on my happiness. And hopefully, I get to share it with you. I am a stubborn person ( and rather impulsive too), so getting my moods in check is going to be really challenging. Sorry.

"Life had just begun"- Bohemian Rhapsody. And I'm sure there's still a long way to go for us. We've faced so much before, but life's only just beginning. Oh, one more thing, I was a jerk that day. You know, I know, what I mean. But this means, I lose to you once again. FML ><

Not that I can't get over it. I just think I should mark this down =)Nothing has changed. Except maybe for a cleared mind. We're still close, good friends. =D

I've restricted the use of emoticons to not spoil the mood X).

Glee's version of Bohemian Rhapsody and Over the Rainbow is <3.

And of course, this post is only for the said person. And it still sucks because I haven't hung out with you yet ><" Grrr....

Undeserving

Why is all that's left an empty feeling?

I just feel very bad now.

No wonder my brother says that I have two sides of me. Bipolar disorder?

I probably typed and said things I wouldn't have under a cool mind.

Yet, a part of me doesn't regret all this.

Which part is the true me? @.@

And I screwed up. Because things could have turned out better.

Why do I still believe?

After this exam, during the holidays I am going to:

1) Get a hair cut
2) Attend a ceremony for an award which I feel indifference to
3)Catch up with people
4) Hang out with buddies
5) Do more volunteer work
6) More social visits
7) Clean my room=.=
8) Watch my movies
9) Play more games
10) Read more books
11)Give more
12) Smile more
13) Make a difference =)

And anything to enrich myself ~

Charged for Thoughtcrime

Edit: Photos Placed

This is the post I wrote but never posted some few days ago. I gave up waiting for my connection to get better. The weird empty spaces and captions are for photos I will post later. Blogger photo uploader takes forever!

I actually survived more than a week of being without Internet. But it is really bad for my productivity, as it seems that without the Internet,I go into a state of slack, then up to bed and I fall asleep, discarding work for the last minute ><. And it was the worst course of time for the Internet to be out, with all these events happening continuously.

First , was the epitome of my QG journey- BSS. Well, you could say that it was not as what I would have expected. In a good way or bad way, that I don't know. One sad bit was that it was held in familiar land, which is just right here in KL, so there was no extraordinary spectacle to awe at, nor any place that required us S'gor and KL-ites to act like foreign tourists. (Though there was a lot of camwhoring X D).

After so long a time of cold sweat, sleepless nights and nervous jittering, it has come down to this. And truth be told, it was pretty numbing, in the end. Had I expected too much? Hmm...But I should be grateful that it wasn’t too hard on me, no?

My Pink Group in Central Market. One of our (pretty random) assignments was to take a picture with an artist and get their autograph. (Why am I at the back? >=(!)

I wonder if it’s because it’s in their territory, or whether they’re always like that, or because of their number but the KL candidates were very hyper. Hui Xia, Carolyn and Chaw Hui provided the group with much entertainment. Which makes me wonder whether any of the candidates have blogs..and whether they will stumble upon mine hahaha..

The Selangor batch trying to act..”cute”.I’m sure there are other more silly photos of us, in the other cameras =D Most of the candidates were so inclined to their own states sometimes, at every chance they could they would flock together==. So we didn’t have much of a chance but to do the same.

Oh yeah, one thing was that this was the “singing” BSS and there was Don’t Stop Believing o.0. Pn Tek watches Glee? LIke whoa haha.

Then, after that week of BSS-Prep, it was Sports Day prep, meaning staying back after school till 6 almost every day and staying overnight on Friday itself. As people may know, Kuning’s theme was Transformers:Bumblebee, which though cool is actually quite hard to portay, as you can see from the random array of objects we had at our khemah.

I actually felt pretty fed up upon Sports Day approaching. The toil of preparation had spread out too long a period of time and in other words, it was getting sien. Plus, stuff I did was not used =.=. Zadou, at least I still have my gloves~~

The mascot gear. You would probably have not seen those in the last two pictures because they weren’t used in the end. Too movement restricting==.

In the end, Kuning got 2nd for Marching and last for khemah.

M2D5. And O3?

Staying up the whole night, then marching then walking/sitting/standing under the hot sun, this Sports Day really never gave us time for a breather(as of the time during prep at night). And to think I was imagining a scene where people could just sit on the field in the middle of the night and talk==. But it was work all the way for Kuning, even up till the very last minute. In the end, we were so tired that we never went out and I could have just fallen asleep by placing my head on the table==

Two things strike at me about these two events. First, it all brings back memories of BRATS. And with the approach of the 2nd BRATS workshop 2010, some reminiscence is in tow. Like what Pei said, how is it that it seems that we could make more friends in those 4 days compared to that year in a class. OK, I shall be honest. I came to BSS thinking that everyone would be eager to show themselves out, to prove themselves and to willing mix around. But, it was not ..exactly like that. Everyone, except the Kl guides,mostly kept to themselves and conversation was mostly among their own states.

Working with Kuning didn’t actually turn us into comrades in arms as well. Sometimes it felt more like a constant contest to outdo each other. Not to say that I’ve never made a few friends along the way. =) UNGU does have a point about their semangat, you can say that.But never mind, hopefully the next batch does better. And Mr Chan is getting scarier and scarier=. = Already preparing for next year???

I guess in BRATS, everyone gave all out to socialise, since our main goal was to have fun. No need for competition. We just all worked hard together to produce our articles/photos/videos.

I miss these people.=( When’s our next gathering? =) And I won't FFK already la =( I never did also...

Next,I don’t think I did very well at all. I couldn’t perform with my best. =( I screwed up so much during BSS, getting further away from my target. It was so disappointing for me and for whoever who thought better of me. Staying up till 4 to complete folios, doing my report 2 days before, the cause of procrastination and utter laziness.

Sports Day prep was worse. After BSS, you could say that all the passion and motivation just snuffed out of me. I just wasn’t that driven anymore. It became more like a task for me to finish then a crusade for Kuning’s victory. I never planned anything properly, I did everything half-heartedly and I just walked out. I feel really bad, because, I know I could give more than that. But, I didn’t.

The sense of lethargy is still all over me. Which, sucks because I’m failing at trying to do what I can for what I care about.Not to mention emotions seem to be going haywire here and there.

Exams are coming and I all I want is to lie on bed and read.

I have to get to work on late gifts and due presents.

1984 was so good, maybe I will start liking classics after all. =D

And I’m sorry. To anyone who should deserve this.

A numbness in my heart

I actually had a blog post drafted out in Windows Live Writer but due to Internet complications, it can't be posted. =( So sorry to whoever that reads this place.

Now even my whole PC is down. This is my mum's laptop I'm using now.

And I should get back to studying.

Finally

Does it end here?

Keep holding on

These two days have been pretty awesome. =D

I must have a promising future as a waiter in the future as serving teachers was actually a very enjoyable task. WTH haha. And got to see seniors return X D

Jie Min.. The only one of her batch who looked at the camera==

Wei Lin, receiving her Academic Achievement award

Later on, me, Hue Ching, Marissa, Kai Xiang and Kian Mun took the LRT to Pasar Seni to look for the stock for their civic project sales. I only found out yesterday that Pasar Seni is where Petaling Street is =__= And it has made me realised how long it has been since I last visited the place. How I miss the food, the comic store and the cheap Chinese bookstore T. T

Anyway, we practically walked all four sides of the place to search for stock. And we entered one place again by accident.

(Oh no! I just lost one important piece of info, and it's most likely in school T.T)

Today was full of some uncomfortable moments =/. And the both of us took more than a hour to find our destination, which was so near. Fail==. Though it was pretty worthwhile, I wanna see those kids again X D

And, omg, will we appear on tv? o.0

Your company is always great X D. Though it seems to indicate a shift in your behaviour. Anyway, good luck tomorrow. ^^

Would you believe me, would you agree?

I must not be destined to succeed in Sports event. ><

First Cross Country, now Sukan Tara.

Well, Peluru was gotten over and done with (Point!) X D

100m was epic FAIL.

Long jump, I had no idea what happened==.

And 600m was major disappointment. I shouldn't have sprinted so fast at the start (I was actually first ,wth, for that moment==). Then I think I got so surprised I slowed down. HUE CHING overtook me and I started getting more and more behind till I...failed...SIGH

But but...at least I was there =) (?)

And and truth be told, it pains me the most that I lost to YOU. Damnit, this better not turn into another SY/DW dilemma. Though, there are times where I really empathize with him, though I find it very ridiculous myself.

Shyte.

And since when did YOU learn to swear? o.0

Sorry, I screwed. Even when I tried, it was not enough, I didn't give enough and I know it. Yet again. I LAIF

Not we, only you and me

The more I ponder about these things said, the more I feel that it is a whole bunch of BS==.

Am I in fault? Should I be a little more grateful, a bit more appreciative of this so-called consideration they are showing? I am, I believe, to some extent. But not to trust them fully. Because there are still things that point them in the wrong. I actually still doubt the sincerity in their words. Cause well, actions do speak louder than words


It's hard to believe what people say when they don't seem to give a damn in reality. A different mentality, a social catastrophe or as usual, an unread side of the story?

But, no matter, what was never meant to be shall never be. I shall just follow option 2 in my 2 sided story theory and walk away.

Time Well Wasted

Remember how last year, you spent worrying about what ifs and what nots, also on what to comes. How you used to fret over obstacles that with just the right amount of determination and effort, you could handle. Then, you would stop and wonder to yourself, why did you have the need to worry in the first place.

Remember how things usually fall into place (though not so perfectly but they ended up well in the end anyway) despite all your horrifying premonitions and plagued thoughts.

Despite everything, you made it through. =D

And you will again, Soh Zhi Min, so work hard, believe strongly and let fate handle the rest. ;)

btw, PERKUB was fun, exceeded expectations X D. The wonders of setting low hopes.

And it's funny how at the same place with different people, you could be in totally different moods. Time wasted well with the F4s yesterday. Don't screw up on Saturday ah you TWO!

When the world's crashing down. When I fall and hit the ground

Judging from the dates of previous blog posts, the weekends always seem to be where I get more emotionally..eh...unstable compared to weekdays. Or maybe I just don't have time to blog then. ==

Anyway, as today is a weekend. And a Friday to boot. Time for a more thoughtful post! And more of a ranting one too .X)

One thing.

One thought in my head that stops me from going all out to verbally assault and belittle someone.

To prevent me from releasing the bottled anger accumulating inside.

To stop me from being the psychopath, hostile, aggressive, cruel, spiteful (etc..) person that I am. ( Yes, I truly am like that X)

Is the constant reminding that there are two sides to every story.

Every person would have their own perspective of things. Why they do this. Why they say this. It would all come down to the way they think of things. So this would be why I seem to have the urge to analyse how people act. Though not to very good results. I need more practice haha.

Anyway, you wouldn't know how another person is thinking. The reasons for their actions have a tale behind themselves.You may get angry, you may dislike someone, you may get fed up with somethings and some people. But you may not know their stories, their background, their reasons. So, could you just blindly judge something based one side of the facts?

Well apparently you can. Because that's how most of the world works.

So when you get pissed off at someone/something, calm down, suck it up and try to think for a while about all the things they might have gone through. Try to empathise and walk away. Even if they serve no reason for your empathy, screw it and still walk away. You are better than that.

In conclusion, I should just keep my opinions to myself.

And I'm so happy for seniors who did well for SPM, especially the one who apparently screwed up studies in school and got 12 As in the end o.0.

P.S If you taste freedom, why do I feel impending DOOM?

P.P.S IWTBA T.T!

Rain On My Parade

Now that first term exams are over, meaning March hols are here.

And what do the March hols bring along?

A bit of this:




A chunk of this:


And a lot of this:


Yay? T.T

Smile, though your heart is aching

Damn, I am in trouble now =/

And exam's are coming. Double damn.

Should I risk the weekends....><

Things don't always go the way you want. I guess everything was just going into place too nicely till I forgot how cruel the world could be.

This must be a message. To tell me not to expect the easy way >< And to goddamn punish me for procrastinating.

It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be OK.

T_T I screwed.

It's not you, it's me.

I predict that this will be a very messy and unorganised post. SINCE. I lost all the fired up emotion from just now and my thoughts seem pretty jumbled up to actually focus on a specific post ><

All this conundrum and chaos has gotten to me. The first thing teacher said when she saw me was " Why do you look so sleepy/ like you didn't sleep" Or something on the lines of expressing that I look fatigued =. = Really now, do I look that tired? I don't sleep that late and I still consider myself as slacking off. All this must be affecting my physical outlook as well as the mental one. @.@ Is this contributing to the lashing out, the constant silence and mood swings ? Not that I lash out at everyone, actually I don't really lash out at people at all Haha.

And it seems I have lost myself. Is being on the other side causing this? Why has anticipation been replaced by resentment? What happened to visions to rebuild a crumbling organisation? Innocence was lost so long ago. And now, here I am worrying about such trivial matters. I may not be able to fix this but at the least I can ignore and do what I can. I probably work best alone anyway. Thus, the affinity towards writing maybe? A solo and more personal activity. I need my passion back. I need to start over.

I think something has gone terribly wrong. You may or may not feel the same way but I would believe it's mutual. Something has caused a big ugly dent in this friendship and the cause? Things said, things done, my somewhat rebelling. =S Whatever. But I won't do anything about this. Not until we've been stripped down and returned back to the basics. And I cannot promise. Because I take promises very seriously and the hurt of having one broken to you is...shattering. I'm sorry.

I've been very selfish. Maybe that's why I would not work alongside people, maybe people working for me but not operating under the same purpose. Because it gets so tiring. So aggravating. To have a target you have to catch up with while you limp behind. To worry about their progress. About mine. I was a paranoid person by nature yet laziness prevails at most times. What is this doing to me? Tell me I'm not in this alone.

This has been a very jumbled up post. Not too straightforward, not too vague.

Remember you don't want any regrets from high school.

P.S Defying Gravity~~ X D

Release your wings

I had no urge to blog =( Inspiration has been zero lately.

Chinese New Year went by smoothly. Nice to see all my family members again. Though the rate of visiting per day has dropped subsequently this year haha.

I actually find that I'm taking all this family togetherness we have now for granted. Every time we go to a house, I had shown more interest in the little kids or even the dog than the adults themselves. Visiting is more of a time for the adults to catch up on times than us kids.

It could also be due to the generation between me and my cousins. The youngest one on my mum's direct side is 6 years older than me =. = And I suspect that he hates me. Haha Well, no la, he seems to be hostile on the outside to everyone that came to visit at grandma's o.0.

I feel so alien around all the adults talking, especially during that visit at my house ><

Ah well, maybe I'll come to appreciate it more when it's me next time treating those guess. 0.0 *shudders* No one visits ME =(

And the new year has been spent without much peace. The thought of unfinished work and studies hang around me like a dark cloud. And the worse part is that I still continue being this complacent. Yay me!

On a side note, Glee Episode 2 is done downloading. Off to VLC M.P!

Please Take Me Away From Here

Today was a day I probably made worst for myself. But I won't talk about that. Instead I'll rewind to the day in class.

God, I might as well not have brought anything to school today= = The day started with PJK in class. Me trying to rush people's new year cards while trying to listen to Pn Shanti talk about rugby and cricket o.o. Chemistry was relief, MORE time to continue writing cards, rushing my essay and decorating the class board. Lovely erm..plum blossoms? Haha

The 对联 shan en wrote for our class. Wah, I hope the rest of the school doesn't tear it apart from aggravation X D.

Wen couldn't accompany me to deliver the cookies. So I had to do it myself, while delivering my own cards as well. Damn, then I left my permission slip at S7.=. = And I was so paranoid after recess I had to checked whether I didn't get the cards mixed up. After all that trouble, Low Jun Lyn (!) tells me she almost left it in class for the afternoon session! Grr..

Class today was easy carefree. Had to leave physics early though ish. And the rest.. Who cares.

Ack! I'm actually throwing stuff out of anger in school. This is no good. I'm slowly losing my self-tolerance.... and insanity. o.0 At least now I have a consultant Hehe

And they found Hope.

I've been lost too long a time,
Wondering whether this road is mine,
For sins too much have been done,
Now dread as forgiveness is for no one.

Journey tedious, hard, all in vain,
Stressing when you don't know what is to gain,
But keep a smile, just to stay strong,
Eventhough things are going terribly wrong.

Thoughts in my head are mixed up,
As you can see,
So I bring up first my apology,
If this piece confuses thee.=)

Gave up glory for duty,
That I thought would give fruitful bounty,
Now lie in loss me and the army,
Regret, Despair, just plain unhappy.

Flipped a coin, both show heads,
It's certain only one path lies ahead,
Yet time has worn me down,
And loneliness creeps abound.

Picks up the revolver,
Rolls the barrel,
Pulls the trigger,
After this, will it all be over?

Foolish actions have no end,
To please is my heart's content,
And with scars and wounds to tend,
Will forever serve to my extent.

Working with false hope,
Awaiting the day you come through,
Till now I silently cope,
All I can do is wish the best for you.

Threads were cut, strings were pulled,
People go distant, I am a fool,
I gave scorn and showed contempt,
Now all's left is a lonesome regret.

Chasing after wild dreams,
Walking on broken strings,
Hear an unstrung melody,
As life I continue living faithfully.

Thankfully, I can still write these =)

First Blood

My last merentas desa/cross country/road run in CHS.

And I screwed it ><

I feel so much guilt now. I should have ran.

And if people have said is true then I have totally contributed nothing to Yellow House T.T

Now this part of high school life is incomplete, filled with "what if"s and "if only"s Sighs...

I wouldn't have felt this bad if we hadn't gotten FOURTH. Unacceptable, unbelievable, ludicrous yet it's truth.

This sucks.

I have to make this up.

On the otherhand, congratulations to all other houses and everyone that earned something. Still, it is so unfair that you get no recognition after all that hard work. And special congrats to Ye Shan and Hui Li, you guys make a great team XD And you have great spirit, Hui Li!!

After that, was the S2 CNY party at Bar.B.Q plaza, Sunway Pyramid. Too bad not everyone showed up though. But it was a great time =) Will await new activities.

Photos not uploaded yet~

P.S: I'm happy you like it =) Though it wasn't perfect since I had to get some sleep before merentas desa ><. And. You didn't have to thank me so many times =. =

P.P.S Not such an epic fail after all =)

When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along

Today is crap.

Because yesterday was even lousier crap.

And I don't care if it is your day.

It's significance to me has been overshadowed by my ever fluctuating emotions.

And I have no role to play here anyway.

On another note, running releases stress quite effectively, too bad it doesn't last after the run.

Throw up your arms, into the sky ~

I actually managed to do all the things on my mental list today X D:

1)Go for the 2 interviews

2)Sat for and entrance exam

3)And played frisbee

All before 4pm. Nice~

And I had fun.

Though I still need running kakis =. ="

P.S: Yu Li, if you see this before I tell you in school tomorrow anyway, you were right. I wrote 1 XD.

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

And so, Gerko Day or as it is now called, Hari Pendaftaran Gerko (ugh? not catchy) has come to an end yesterday.

Like what others have mentioned or written in their blogs, it's the last Gerko day for us F5s. >< And it was fun or at least not a total waste of time X D. And I get to ponteng. Though I went back for physics. Lol, better scrape up the oppurtunity to learn while I can still understand Bro John Teehee~

This year ah, the overall atmosphere seemed pretty toned down this year. At least it got much better in the afternoon. KRS,Scout, BSMM did a parade around the hall. Me and Ming Jean acted like fools, blowing whistles and shouting(to no avail=.=) And many other shiok sendiri moments, one involving a halo. Join Girl Guides and you go to heaven? X D

This year, I got quite ample time to view all the stalls because I needn't duty Yay! Didn't hang around GG booth earlier that day. So potong only. =.= Went to photography and learned some basics of the DSLR~ Chun Yeen's poison has affected a bit after all haha X D Went to Ed Board booth to resign up lol? And the envelope is very original Yay edboard~ Went over to olahraga to admire my stickman haha. And mostly just made many many rounds around the dewan.

Cleaned up, hanged around lodge. Got Han Lin creeped out with the book "Feeders and eaters" from Neil Gaiman's Fragile things. She didn't finish, I told her the rest of the story=.=. Made a phone call that ended up with my two juniors laughing.

Oh man will I miss it =(.

Today was like the results of the gerko team's hardwork. Me and Le Yi spent the morning trying to memorise our new recruits' names =. = Had the usual games, and total SS. Played a few rather boring rounds of Mafia and Killer. Not enough people LAR. Ish. When S2 plays more exciting. Hm Hm.

Are we satisfied?

Today was better X)

Didn't get to hike though.

And the only job I got was restorer of print-and-paper?=. =

Anyway,

Happy 17th Birthday, LYN!!

X D You are so lucky la.

You're in ruins....

Today was supposed to be a relatively good day.

I got myself a locker and things were just going fine.

Then, my locker got taken back =. ="

There was this highly conceited email ( Like WTH?)

And a dose of the reality I had been ignoring came back to remind me.

Should I feel =. = or upset?

Well, the latter feeling is apparently more dominant.

We Are Golden X )

Pre-exam trauma must have gotten to the heads of my fellow S2 classmates... Or maybe it's just the back-to-school hype.

Let's see why:

1) Class cleaning duties started like immediately on the 2nd day after school reopened.(Shan En as KK FTW =0=)

2) A few of us are racing to the labs to get the good seats up front o.0.

3) Me, E-Jia, Hui Li and Yu Li decided to run to the Physic Lab today to get seats.

4) We didn't run in the end but asked Pei to save seats for us ;).

5)Hui Li actually tried to block Pei She from going to the lab =. =

6) I bought a small container of cookies for Rm 17 to have during meeting just now. T-T

7) Zhong Wei and Ye Shan suddenly broke out into the chorus of Two is Better than One during Math lesson. (Was is Math?==)

8) Ding Wei sneaked past Pn Shan before she came into class and she didn't notice!Well, she doesn't recognise us yet la.

9) Ding Wei turned himself in to Pn Shan. o.0 Cuz well, she knew someone was out already==.

10) We spent our free time in class copying ming ju!

11) E-Jia challenged Jia Jun to a ming ju copying contest==.

12) We never slept during Brother J's period, can understand summore!

13)Ye Shan attempted an assault on Bro. just now lol!

14)People already planned out a study timetable o.0

15)People stayed behind late(a bit lar)during recess to rush a karangan

16) 4S2 bagus but 5S2 no OOMPH!

17) People everywhere are carrying diaries/planners and notebooks.

18) Me, EJ, HL and YL named our diaries and/or notebooks. My diary is called Meryl(or Mary) and the notebook Fiona =) YL has David Jr, the offspring of her David from last year X).

19)We're thinking of a SPM countdown ....thing already...And it's like what? The first week of school?

Edit:
20) A lot of classmates are carrying Success-type reference books to school already!

Walao, so lame XD. And it's only the first week back.

And yeap, that's a Mika song there as the title. Should be our theme song this year RAWR.

Eyes on the Prize

The first day back was nice =).

Missed good ol' S2.

Everything seems the same, even our 4 main AJK remained. Though a few minor changes in teachers.

Time to kickstart the school year!